Real Talk

Sara Bareilles. My home girl. Super talented, and while this song may seem super random in regards to what I am about to talk about, don't worry, I'm going to tie it in at the end.

It's been awhile since I've posted. That's because, one, I'm working full-time right now, and all of my free time is spent either sleeping or actually being social. And two, I'm working on another blog post, but it's taking  a lot of time, effort, and thought.

The idea for this blog post has been rolling around in my head for a little while. I've been a little bit hesitant to actually do it for a couple of reasons. One, when I shared with you all about my same-sex attraction I never intended to then use my blog as a venue to continue to talk about it. Two, some of the things that I'm about to write get way real. It forces me to be real with myself, to lay bear my fears and my weaknesses.

The reason why I AM writing and sharing this is because someone recently asked me some advice pertaining to one of their loved ones who has the same struggle. After the short communication, I thought that it might be beneficial to share with people a little glimpse of what it is like to have this struggle.

Now, remember, my experience is not like everyone else's. But, this might help you understand a little bit of my life, as well as others with similar struggles.

As I said in my original post, I am also attracted to guys, but the attraction is different. The difference is that I'm attracted to girls physically. As in, their body. As in all the things the natural man in me wants, craves, and is tempted with are physical. When I am attracted to a guy, I have to put effort into it. Yes, I'll find a guy cute, but I have to take into consideration of his personality, his talents, his goals, and then he becomes legitimately attractive to me. As in, I want to spend time with him, know him better, be a part of his life, AND have that physical relationship with him.

So, that's kinda a brief explanation of my dealio.

Here's my life:

• I'm often afraid of physical contact with girls. One, because I'm not a touchy-feely person to begin with. Two, because I'm afraid of that contact giving me thoughts and feelings I don't want.
• Although I'm afraid of physical contact, I hate people having to change their own natural behaviors, and so I don't know what to do and I just feel awkward and uncomfortable.
• I'm afraid of forming friendships with girls. I'm afraid of what others who know of my struggle might think. I'm afraid of what that friend will think of my intentions. It becomes difficult for me to actually outreach.
• I get really discouraged when  I try to put forth effort in showing interest in a boy that I'm attracted to and nothing seems to come of it, because, heck, I put forth a LOT of effort to like a boy!
• I'm afraid of what might happen if I start dating a boy who doesn't know of my struggle and then I have to tell him. What will he do?
• I'm afraid that I won't get married and have a family, when, freak, I want to be a mom so bad!
• I'm afraid of losing friends when they find out about my struggle, because they feel uncomfortable - even though I've never yet experienced that.
• I'm afraid that guys won't ask me on dates because they know of my struggle.
• I hate some of the dreams I get at night.
• I get frustrated by comments made at church or by church members that, though are said innocently, can be discouraging and hurtful to those with this struggle.
• I live my life normally and do all the things I would have done without this struggle, but it is always in the back of my mind because I'm afraid of letting my guard down. 
• I'm afraid of getting to comfortable with a friend and not keeping my feelings/impulses in check.
• I constantly feel like I have to be careful how I act, or the pictures I post on Facebook because I don't want people to think I am acting on the temptation.
• Sometimes my stress and irritability is simply because I'm dealing with life and all of these fears in the back of my head.
• Sometimes I second guess my behavior with my friends, because I'm so worried about giving into temptation.

I have gained strength, though. I've learned about who I am. This struggle, it's rough sometimes. Sometimes the fears get the best of me. Some days are just rough. But, as Sara Bareilles sang about in the song at the beginning of the post, I have become an island. 

That does not mean I stand alone. That is not what Sara intended to be taken away from her song. In an interview she said, "It's not about shutting people out, it's about figuring out who you are at your core." I am not my fear. I am not my struggle or temptation. I am Beth Ann Root. Awkward, yes. But, also a friend. Loyal. Determined (or stubborn). I don't wear make-up and I rock the short hair. I love fancy watches and button-up shirts. These are the things that make me up. Not my fears, and not my temptations.

At my very core, I am a daughter of God who is doing her best to reach her fullest potential. I'm living my life, loving my friends, my family, and my life. If I concentrate on that, many of the fears slip away. And, if people focus on my core and who I am, the rest of the fears slip away - and if people don't look at my core, then, well, I shouldn't waste the time caring what they think.

Real talk: done. Now, go watch some Studio C to lighten up the mood I just created.

I wanna see you be brave!

A little over a month ago, I shared my story - well, one of my stories. A piece of my story that makes up who I am. With that experience, and as I've continued to ponder my own life and my own struggles, as well as discuss with people their own life and struggles, I've come to the conclusion that our stories are not meant to be kept to ourselves.

Why are we given weaknesses? Is it simply for us to to become better individuals ourselves? I don't believe so. I believe we are given weaknesses, trials, and experiences, not only to help us become, but to help others become. As I shared my story, I was overwhelmed by the feedback I received. People acted on my request to share my story, as I hoped it would reach people who were in a similar situation or who were seeking understanding. And then I began to receive comments and messages from people who had loved ones struggling with the same thing or who were the ones struggling.

Our experiences give us the ability to have empathy. I think that is a huge reason why we experience some of the struggles we have. We can look at others experiencing something similar, and we can, to a small degree, experience the kind of empathy and care that the Savior has. We can minister to them strengthen them, and encourage them. We can show them that it is possible to overcome, and allow the experiences to help them become.

Our experiences give us the ability to help other people understand other people's struggles.

I believe that if we take the time and effort to articulate our stories, we can change the world. We can be a force of good, of light, and of strength. We can share our failure and our triumphs, and how we have used both to become who we are today.

We can share our moments of darkness to show that it is always possible to find the light.

We can share our fears and our weaknesses to show that one can always turn to Christ.

My story is not unique; that is not why I shared it. It's simply...a story from my life. A story about my path to become the individual I am destined to be. Everyone has these stories.

My goal? My hope? My dream? To help you share your stories. Big stories, little stories. Just...your stories. Because all stories are significant. Some of you will have big weighty secrets, difficult traumas, or simple struggles. No matter the experience, your story will not be less powerful or less meaningful. The smallest of experiences can teach the greatest of lessons.

My sister, when I shared with her my plan to share my story, made a Sara Bareilles reference. She said, "Thank you for showing how big your brave is."

Sara wrote a song I'm sure you are familiar with. It's about opening up your mouth and speaking. We shouldn't be afraid to speak our heart. Stop holding your tongues, my friends. Share your story.

I would love to use my blog as a venue of sharing your stories. If you have a story to share - really, it can be big or little. I just want your stories shared - let me know. You can write it, if you like, and I'll post it here. Or, if you feel you aren't an accomplished writer, I can write it for you. I'll speak with you, interview you, and write it. Everything will be according to your approval. I won't post something that you don't like.

And then, my friends and readers, I would hope you would share the stories posted, just as you shared mine.

So, please. Ponder and pray on what you might have to share. And then show me - and the world - how big your brave is!

Never Alone

***I apologize for the visual cheesiness of this video. It's just...old...***

Today in sacrament meeting, I was reflecting on a few things. Most of my thoughts revolved around a quote I've shared before. My roommate said it to me when I was trying to make the decision of whether or not to be open about my same-sex attraction. (You can read that post here if that sentence was a shocker for you.) She said, "It's ok to be completely alone if you are standing with Christ."

My thoughts revolved around that as I thought about last weekend. Last weekend was a really difficult one for me, for multiple reasons. One of them, though, was that, for just a little bit, I allowed the adversary to convince me that I was isolated. Simple instances where, I am positive none of my friends intended to make me feel that way, I felt left out, unwanted, and alone. (In fact, I am 100% positive they had no idea and that  it had everything to do with me letting Satan put thoughts in my head.

Today, a week later and with a clearer perspective, I reflected back on what my roommate had told me. What I have learned from that statement and from my experiences with my friends and especially my roommates is that I really am never alone. Christ is always standing by me. And, the best part is, He often stands by me in the form of other people. For example, when I shared my story about my struggle, I did not get one single negative word in response. Instead, I felt love. I felt support. People shared my story. Strangers sent me messages on Facebook. Friends and roommates rallied to my side, ready to be furious if anybody did anything to hurt my feelings.

As I sat there, pondering my experiences, pondering my roommate's statement, and pondering my rough weekend, I came to the conclusion, that I'm sure we have all heard before, we are never alone. 99% of the time, someone will be sent our way. And, if not, Christ will be right there, ready to support us through the Spirit and through His love. I have been overwhelmed this past semester, as I've opened my eyes to the love that surrounds me. I frequently thank my Heavenly Father with all my heart for the people I am currently surrounded by.

You, reading this, who might feel alone, isolated, like you are rejected, I can testify to you that is a lie planted in your mind by Satan. I promise you that there is someone in your life who loves you, who cares about you, who wants what best for you. If you can't find them, it's because Christ is standing there, trying to convince you that He's there, loving you, wanting you with Him.

You are never alone. He won't allow it. He suffered so we wouldn't have to be alone.

When have you felt the Lord send you someone or send you love when you were feeling alone? Please, share your experiences and, if you know someone who can benefit from my message, share my thoughts.

To my friends

I've started multiple posts lately, but I just haven't gotten around to finishing them. The idea of this post, though, was birthed while I was at work prepping for a phone call. I had just talked to a student about her classes this semester. She's been struggling, and she was just really discouraged. Because of the nature of my job, I had the opportunity to bear my testimony and encourage her to get through it. I just gave her the gentle reminder that she would get through it, and it would be worth it. Then, while I was prepping, this song came on my Pandora station. Alright, by Walk Off the Earth (no, I'm not even sorry.) Thinking about this student - and then other students I talked to today who were having trouble making decisions or who were discouraged - made me want to share a message that reminds people that it's alright. Things will be alright.

It's not just Pathway students that I've been talking to that I feel like are in need of this message. I have friends who are discouraged, stressed, who are making tough decisions, whose lives aren't going the way they anticipated. All I want to do is scoop these people up and with as much warmth and kindness as I can muster, tell them that it's going to be alright.

Sometimes in the moment, that's not what one wants to hear. In the moment, you want to feel and you want someone else to feel, as well. But, once you have that moment of feeling and acknowledging the hardship you are experiencing, it is important to remember and hold onto the idea that you're going to be alright. Yes, you may still feel discouraged or overwhelmed while holding fast to that knowledge. But, if you hold fast, that will turn into hope, which will turn into faith, which will turn into miracles.

Don't forget to look forward. Don't forget to chase your dreams. Don't forget to remember your divine nature and divine power. Don't forget that you have the power to change the world, so the adversary is going to oppose you in any way he can, because he doesn't want to yo wield your great power and influence on the world.

So, to you who is feeling a little discouraged...did you know that you're alright? You're burning bright. To you who is having trouble making a decision, did you know that you're alright? Just chase your dreams and move forward. To you whose life feels like it's spinning out of control, did you know that you're alright? Don't regret what happened, instead use that experience to help you be strengthened and to help you strengthen others.

Just remember that you're alright, now. And if you don't feel that, you'll get there.

My story

“It’s ok to be completely alone if you are standing with Christ.”

The other day at the temple, I was pondering an impression I had received. It was an impression to do something that would be incredibly difficult for me and scared me more than I care to admit. I began praying fervently and desperately for a confirmation, so I could be certain that it was the right thing to do. I received that confirmation, and then I prayed for another one – and then another one. Heavenly Father patiently responded to each plea, until He finally was like, “Beth. You’re fine!”

He did this through my roommate, who, when I asked her a question, told me, “It’s ok to be completely alone if you are standing with Christ.”

Those words pierced my heart as I realized that this was the reason why I was so hesitant and fearful to act upon this prompting: because I was scared of losing people in my life and being alone.

You see, I have a secret. I don’t have very many of them, because I don’t like secrets. I’m pretty open about my life. But there’s this one that very few people in my life already know about. And the Spirit whispered to me to no longer keep my secret.

So…here it is. My secret? I struggle with same-sex attraction.

Whew.

It actually is relieving to say it. The few times I’ve shared it with people, it’s been like this weight was lifted off my shoulders. It’s always terrifying as I’m doing it and as I’m waiting for people’s reactions, but once it’s said and done, and I look into the faces of my friends and loved ones, I’m just like, “Wait, what was the big deal? They love me. They support me.” And I feel like I can conquer the world.

When I first admitted to myself that this was, indeed, a real struggle of mine, I couldn’t imagine that being the case at all. I couldn’t imagine feeling relief. All I felt was confusion, dread, anxiety, and frustration. I was in a bad place – not because I faced a moral dilemma, but because, here I was, experiencing feelings, impulses, thoughts, and desires that were completely contrary to what I firmly believed in. It didn’t shake my faith in the Gospel; it shook my faith in me. I knew that I wasn’t going to abandon what I knew to be true about the Plan of Salvation and the purpose of life. But, I didn’t know what I was going to do.

Now, I suppose I should clarify, here, that although I deal with same-sex attraction, I do still also like guys. The attraction is different though. Maybe I’ll explain the difference at a later date.

Thus, my situation is not like others who are attracted to only their own gender, or those who might actually associate themselves as gay or lesbian. That’s something I feel like I can’t label myself as, because I don’t act upon those feelings or impulses. Instead, I choose to be defined by my actual choices.

As I came to terms with this weakness – temptation, struggle, I still don’t know what to call it – I came to the conclusion that if I kept up my spirituality, with scripture study, regular prayers, temple attendance, etc. then those feelings would be kept at bay. I felt like it worked for a while; in reality, I wasn’t social at all, so I didn’t really associate with anyone outside of my family. Those feelings wouldn’t have been a problem in those circumstances.

Then, my social scene changed; I moved up to Rexburg to attend school at BYU-Idaho. This meant that I was rooming with 5 girls. Many of the friends that I was making were girls. And the attraction began to be something that I had to deal with again. I really struggled with this, because I was diligently reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, attending the temple, and fulfilling my new calling. Shouldn’t that have meant that I wasn’t feeling this way? I felt like the Lord abandoned me, 

because He wasn’t preventing this. He wasn’t protecting me from it.

News flash: The Lord doesn’t work that way! He wasn’t going to take away this challenge from me. Yes, He was definitely going to bless me for my diligence and efforts to upkeep my spirituality. He strengthened me, He uplifted me, and He enabled me to continue living the principles of the Gospel as I know and believe them.

This help that He gives me doesn’t mean that I understand my situation completely. I don’t. I don’t know if I ever will. I also can’t pretend to understand the exact situations that others who experience same-sex attraction are in. Each is slightly different. All I know is that my purpose here on Earth is to become like my Heavenly Father. That’s why we were sent here; that is our greatest potential. And who is Heavenly Father? In the words of a wise man I know, God is a family man. The Gospel teaches that we each are destined to have an eternal family, that exaltation with the Father is impossible without Celestial marriage and a celestial family. Does this mean that every righteous, Gospel-living individual is going to get married in this life? No. But, if eternal life is your goal, family should be your goal. If you are fairly certain marriage is not in the cards for you in this life because of same-sex attraction or whatnot, family should still be something you yearn for and hope for in the eternities. Parenthood is our divine nature; we know we are not complete without someone of the opposite gender. Family is an eternal principle and should be treated as such. Everyone should look towards it, whether in this life or the next.

Along with a strengthened testimony of the family, this challenge in my life has taught me many things.

I’ve learned a lot about friendship. Did you know that the scriptures actually teach about friendships? About brotherly love? I may not have much experience in romantic love, but I have learned a lot about brotherly love. I’ve learned the value and importance of friendships. I’ve learned that they’re absolutely necessary for me to progress in this life. I’ve learned how to be a better friend, and how to let people be good friends to me, as I’ve trusted them and opened up to them – and not just about my same-sex attraction. My fear of being alone is slowly diminishing.

I have also learned that when the burden gets to a point where it seems too heavy to bear, that’s when it’s time to lift someone else’s burden. Somehow, in doing so, yours gets lighter. Through my struggles, I’ve learned to look at other people’s needs. I strive to help people. I now find incredible joy in being able to help people in any aspect of their lives. Lifting up another person lifts me, as well.

Most of all, I have learned about my Savior, Jesus Christ. There have been dark times when I have felt utterly alone, lost, and confused. In those times, He was there. I have learned that it is ok to be completely alone if I am standing with Christ. He will always stand with me.

I’m trying my best to make sense of this crazy, confusing life of mine. All I know is that I’m not going to let this weakness of mine define me. Instead, I’m going to make sure it becomes a strength. A strength in the sense that I’m learning and growing from it; in the sense that other people who are going through similar struggles can be strengthened and persevere through their own trials; in the sense that those who don’t understand what it’s like to have same-sex attraction can learn to be sympathetic, understanding, and non-judgmental about something that’s just…a thing.

My name is Beth Root. I’m attracted to girls. I also like boys. My life can be pretty confusing at times, but…I’m betting yours is too. We’re not that different, you and me. We’re just on this road to life. I’m writing my story to help others through their confusing times. Your story can probably help others, too.

Do me a couple of favors, will you? Share my story with your friends - through Facebook or whatever. I’m doing my best to be bold so I can help others. Help me with my goal? Also, write your own story. We each a have a story - some have more than one - to tell. Tell one that can change the world! You have one, waiting for you to share it.

I'll Be Waiting

Yes, this is Walk Off the Earth, again. Get over it. They inspire me.

Yesterday was a rough day in my apartment. There was stress, disappointments, hormones, all the things. And then there was me, looking at it all, thinking about how relatively easy my life has been lately. I mean, it's definitely not without trials. But it was one of those moments where I realized that I didn't have anything to complain about it, and I just wanted to reach out and help lift the burdens of my friends.

Sometimes when we are on out path of Becoming, we come across people meant to help us reach further and beyond what we might be able to do without them. But, sometimes it might appear that we are going at different paces, and we might have to slow down - or even stop.

This might seem counterproductive, but in reality, if we are so focused on ourselves and our own progress, causing us to fail to see those around us, maybe when they are in need or struggling, we cannot progress. We might be moving, but not upward. Instead, we get stuck. Thus, it is sometimes necessary to slow down and stop - or, wait.

I think Christ is the perfect example of that. If He ever saw someone in need, He would stop and help them. I don't think there ever would have been a moment when He was trying to get somewhere and someone cried out, "Lord!" that He would have been like, "Oh, man, sorry dude, but I've gotta get to my next thing. Next time, thought, I'll for sure stop and help." No. In fact, When no one cried out, He still would recognize a need and stop what He was doing to meet those needs. The woman with the issue of blood; she had touched His clothes and was healed. Yet, He stopped in the middle of a crowd, turned around, went to her and let her know that she was healed because of her faith. He didn't have to do that! She was already healed! But I bet she needed those kind, encouraging words. She needed Him to stop.

I learned that principle on my mission. Sometimes I'd be on my way to an appointment, but then my companion and I would stop and talk with someone - because that was what was necessary. It made us late for the appointment, but we slowed down and stopped. Sometimes, a companion was having a rough time. All I would want to do is just plug along, work super hard, just drag her with me. What I would need to do at that time, though, is slow down. Sure, maybe it wouldn't let me progress or participate in God's work in the way that I wanted, but by stopping and giving some  TLC, I still was on my way to Becoming.

Sometimes life gets really hard for others. We must always be willing to slow down and stop, and then wait with that person. Think of your friends. Wouldn't you wait for them? I'm not talking about waiting on essential things for your salvation. You don't want to wait to do things that are required of you. But, don't be in such a rush that you miss the needs of the ones you love.

Be that friend that will wait.

"I'll be waiting here for you, till the sun comes up and the stars fall, I'll be waiting here for you!"

You're life will be hard, sometimes. It can get discouraging, confusing, stressful, overwhelming. But, there are people waiting for you, too. So, listen to the words of Gianni: Never let them see you break in the middle, let your heart get to little, or get lost in riddle." Because there will be someone waiting for you.

And, to my peeps, you know I'll be waiting.

California Trees

Clearly I'm obsessed with Walk off the Earth. This isn't the first time I've posted one of their songs. And I do it on Facebook all the time. I just find their music not only pleasing to my inner music-nerd, but also their lyrics inspiring.

Anyone who has been a previous reader of my blog knows that I believe in chasing dreams. I believe Heavenly Father gives us dreams as a means for us to become who we are meant to be. It's when we take hold of our dreams and actively chase after them that we witness miracles and we grow.

One of the reasons why I love this song is that, currently, one of my dreams is to go to grad school in California - there are several universities in California who are highly ranked in the programs I'm considering. Plus, there's the beach. And the Kellogg family. (Literally half of my roommates are Kelloggs right now. I feel like I should just be made an honorary Kellogg already. They're like my favorite people ever.) So, using California (well, California trees, but, you know, California) as a metaphor for chasing after something makes me pretty happy.

If we are chasing a dream - if we are wanting to become something, reach our potential, and do something incredible to improve mankind - we can't just stay put. We have to do something. We have to go somewhere. That somewhere doesn't need to be a completely different state. It simply needs to be outside of your comfort zone.

We all have a journey to go on. Heavenly Father has an incredible destination intended for each of us. It's going to require discovery. It's going to require some growth. We might have to shed some of our old leaves and put one new ones. But, we should always be growing. Growing higher. And as you go up, be sure that your convictions in your dream that you're chasing get's louder and louder.

Chase your dreams. If you haven't found one yet, go out and search for that California tree. There's one meant for you. Go become who you are meant to be. Change the world in the way your Heavenly Father knows you can.

If you are absolutely uncertain what you're supposed to be doing, I invite you to pray. Heavenly Father will give you direction. Maybe slowly and gradually, but you will realize your dreams as you draw near to Him. In the mean time, don't stop doing, don't stop trying, and always love what you do.

What's your California tree?