Just gonna keep chasing - 2017

This song was my theme song 2015. It managed to pump me up and help to get me out of my funks after coming home from my mission. I loved the idea of chasing the sun - of living life to the fullest and striving to chase my dreams. As I was making the long drive from Rexburg to Mesa, "Chasing the Sun" came up on my playlist, and it made me think again of how much I love this song and what it has come to mean, and I decided that I want to make it the theme again, for 2017.

2017 is going to bring some pretty neat things for me, and is going to be a time where I will need to prep for some changes and big choices. By the end of 2017, I will only have one semester left of school, which means I need to be prepared for the next steps of life. Military? Grad school? Full-time job? Where will I live? So many things to think about?

In the meantime, I'm going to be doing research, which Nerd-Beth gets SUPER excited for. All of my classes for the rest of my time in Rexburg will pertain to my degree - no more still foundation classes that make me want to stab my eyes out. Again, Nerd-Beth is very happy. I'll hopefully be making TWO California trips, which makes me happy, because, well, California. One of my best friends will be getting home from her mission. And that's only the things I know are happening. There are adventures to be had and unplanned events that will happen. I'm pretty stoked for this new year. I'm even more excited for what these things mean for my dreams. I'm chasing them pretty hardcore this year.

I did pretty well chasing dreams in 2016. I was a research assistant; I got straight A's this last semester; I went on an adventure to Wyoming, camping with my best friend and her boyfriend (literally my first time camping in over 5 years) which involved going to Yellowstone for the first time; I became open about my same-sex attraction, which has been such a blessing to my life. Probably my favorite thing from this year is how comfortable I have become with who I am and in being able to express myself. I am Beth Root. Hear me roar. My other favorite thing is that I feel like my capacity to love has deepened. Life is not easy. This year has been a roller-coaster. Instead of isolating myself in self-pity, I have reached out, loved deeply, and not only survived my trials, but conquered them, because I looked outward, rather than inward.

I might not have rocked some of my goals - pizza and fast food is always a weakness of mine. Writing in my journal was pretty much nonexistent. But, I started running! I even ran a 5K! I changed my eating habits slightly - salads are a little bit more regular and I ate real food, like chicken or fish, instead of ramen and mac and cheese all the time. I really enjoyed this past semester, and looked forward to most of my classes (probably the reason why I earned A's. Funny how well you do when you're interested and invested in a class). My ultimate goal for 2016 was to increase my happiness. I think that was a win, because, well, I'm pretty dang happy!

I'm really bad at long term goals - and I consider a year long term. This year, I've found semester goals have been a little bit more effective, but there are a few things I want to conquer in 2017.

#1: I want to keep running. It's not my favorite, but I love the feeling afterwards. The feeling of accomplishment and knowing that I'm doing something good to take care of my body. I want to run a 5K in under 30 minutes.

#2: I want to actively work on improving my Spanish. Once upon a time, I actually was pretty decent at it. Now I can only talk about comida. Porque comida es vida. I want to start working on the Book of Mormon in Spanish. I wish I could say something like read the whole thing in Spanish, but I don't think that's realistic, so I'm gonna shoot for reaching Alma.

#3: I want to road trip. I want to go somewhere other than Utah, Arizona, or California. I feel like it is important to have adventures. They cause one to stretch and adventures usually involve spending time with loved ones or finding new people to love.

#4: The ultimate goal of 2017: Rather than making is about myself, I want to make it about others. Rather than making is about increasing my happiness, I want it to be about increasing others' happiness. This might not exactly be measurable, so my actual goal is to express my love for others. I regularly will let people know that I love them.

I feel pretty satisfied about what I've been able to do this year. I've been able to get closer to my dreams. At some points, it has felt like I've been flying.

So, here's to the end of a great (though hard) year and to the beginning of 2017. Let's all work at making it a year where we just try, where we live life to the fullest, where we chase the sun!

So fill up your lungs and just run!
But always be chasing the sun!
All we can do is try
And live like we're still alive.

Jumping out of the boat

Fun fact about myself: I LOVE the water! I think any body of water is just the prettiest thing ever. I could stare at a lake, river, even a creek for hours. It's my life's dream to one day live close enough to the ocean that I can go there any time that I want. I absolutely love the beach. I could just stand out on the shore with the water coming in and out hitting my feet for forever. I don't know what it is about water, but I feel a special connection with God when I am near water.

Interestingly enough, the very first nightmare I remember having involved drowning. Some of my most intense dreams that I remember dealt with water.

Throughout the scriptures, there is great symbolism with water. Christ is the Living Water. In parts of the Old Testament, flowing water symbolized the temple and the knowledge found within. In the Book of Mormon, multiple groups of people had to cross the sea in order to reach the promised land, and this journey across the ocean is often compared to our sojourn here on earth.

Some of my favorite New Testament stories deal with water. One of them we discussed in FHE tonight: the story of Peter going out to walk on water to meet Christ. As we discussed this familiar story, I began to think about my life. I love the water. I think it's so pretty - to look at. Save the ocean, I rarely will just volunteer to jump into the water. Even in the ocean, I have never gone out very deep. I have to have a very good reason to submerge myself. Water is cold! And unpredictable. Maybe a little bit frightening. This makes Peter's act of faith even more incredible.

It was night, and it was storming. He sees Christ, and after confirming that it truly is Him, Peter jumps out of the boat. He just hops on out! He is so confident that whatever needs to happen, will. He knows He will be able to meet up with his Friend and Master.

Now, his faith does waver a little bit. He realizes just how stormy it is around him and gets a little bit freaked. Yet, even as he is sinking, he turns to the Savior, knowing He will help, and cries out to Him.

I began to think about my life. I've had to plunge into a few things this semester, acting in a lot of faith. I've had to sacrifice time - time to go to the temple, time to take care of my physical health, time to be with people instead of homework. I've had to sacrifice things that I love - I had to give up being a research assistant this semester! I've had to trust Heavenly Father with things that I have little or no control over. Things going on with my family back home. My desires to have my own family, but my situation making that a little bit difficult and making me uncertain about the reality of that happening. My grades - I'm working my butt off, but I can only do so much and can't stress myself out too much just for a scholarship. My future of graduate school - or other possibilities!

I've worked really hard this semester to just act. To jump out of the boat into the scary waters and walk towards Christ. I haven't always been successful, though. There have been times where I got distracted, where I started worrying, fearing, stressing out. I have always been lifted up, though, before I was submerged. Hands have lifted me every time, gently pointing me back to Christ, reminding me what my focus needs to be on.

 

Moral of the story: Just jump out of the boat! You will find your way to Christ if you do.

Angels on Earth

Sorry for the lack of blogposts, friends. This semester is insane, and really the only reason why this post is happening is because the Spirit made a pretty good effort to convince me to make time for it. Plus, all the help I've had to survive today makes it difficult to say no to this idea.

You see, last week was a bit of a rough one. I honestly don't think I did a single social thing outside of my apartment until Sunday. I spent a total of 6 hours in the plasma center. That is an incredibly long time for having donated twice. Other than going to the temple on Thursday, that was the extent of leaving my apartment for things other than work and school related things. Now, I know I'm not exactly the most social individual, but zero social interaction made for a hard, long week. It's definitely not fun to be choosing to be responsible all the time. Adulting is hard, yo!

Now, you're probably thinking, "Beth, you're being awfully dramatic. Just stop complaining." And, you would be right. I probably was pretty dramatic, but that doesn't stop the feelings of frustration, exhaustion, discouragement, and loneliness for being any less real. And it wasn't just how busy I was that getting me down. It was just these random little things that would happen that just made things even worse. Let me give you an example from today:

I was supposed to wake up at 5:00 to get an assignment done. I wake up at 5:45. I write that response paper in half and hour and make it out of the apartment just a couple minutes later than normal. Even with the accidentally sleeping in, I'm still running on just 5 hours of sleep. Then, while I'm in the library, stapling the paper I just wrote, I punch myself in the face. Because automatic staplers are frightening when you don't realize they're automatic and when you have your face really close to the stapler and your hand, because you're trying to figure out how the weird looking stapler works. While I was running (which I did not have as good of a run as I've been having) a blister that was healing reopened, making running/walking painful in my tennis shoes. At work, the heater pretty much explodes, filling the room with an awful smell, which made me nauseous for a good hour.

All the little things just making for wonderful opposition. So, maybe a little bit dramatic, but all very real for me. The incredible thing is, though, Heavenly Father did not leave me alone. I would be severely in remiss if I did not express my gratitude for all He did to help a crazy, emotional, discouraged college girl.

You see, if I was having a hard time, He sent me angels. Sometimes it required me to reach out to them, but they, without fail, would do exactly what I needed to lift my spirits. I value friendships greatly, even if I'm a little bit awful at upkeeping them. They are, I consider, some of the greatest gifts I could be given. The past few days, I have been overwhelmed by the kindness shown to me by friends.

I texted one friend on a particularly rough day, complaining a bit. She didn't blow me off, and she didn't try to make it better. She let me vent, helped me to see positive things, and then reminded that sometimes life is just rough, and that it's ok. She ended up letting my visiting teacher know that I was having a bad day, and so she encouraged me a bit. The best part? The day wasn't fixed, but by their kindness, I knew I was loved, and so I could move forward without being bogged down by the negative. That was the best thing that anybody could have done.

Another day, I was sitting doing homework for what felt like hours. I was over it. I wanted to be done but still had several hours left. A friend walked by, saw me, and came into my apartment literally to just give me a hug, and then kept on walking. I literally did not have words to express what that small gesture meant, because I was just so done with everything that day. That display of love boosted my spirits and then I was fine for the next little bit.

Today, with the day that it's been, I was a little frazzled and unfocused at work, so my coworker gave me pizza in an effort to make me feel better. Again, such a small gesture, but one that means the world to me (I say that quality time is my love language, but in reality, it's food. Especially pizza.

While this does not do my friends justice, I just had to express my love and gratitude of the friends I have in my life. They literally are angels placed on Earth, doing God's work. They are angels, because they make manifest the Lord's love for His children. From old high school friends that I never talk to anymore, to roommates I only get to see on my rare Arizona trips, to mission friends, current roommates, and old and new Rexburg friends. You are Godsent. You are angels. I do not often express my love for people, though I am trying to get better at it. But, really, I want you all to understand just how grateful I am for you. You are special. You are inspired. You are servants of God. Any time to act in love, you are acting as one of His angels. Thank you for being my angels.

Ok. Sappy post: done.

Real Talk

Sara Bareilles. My home girl. Super talented, and while this song may seem super random in regards to what I am about to talk about, don't worry, I'm going to tie it in at the end.

It's been awhile since I've posted. That's because, one, I'm working full-time right now, and all of my free time is spent either sleeping or actually being social. And two, I'm working on another blog post, but it's taking  a lot of time, effort, and thought.

The idea for this blog post has been rolling around in my head for a little while. I've been a little bit hesitant to actually do it for a couple of reasons. One, when I shared with you all about my same-sex attraction I never intended to then use my blog as a venue to continue to talk about it. Two, some of the things that I'm about to write get way real. It forces me to be real with myself, to lay bear my fears and my weaknesses.

The reason why I AM writing and sharing this is because someone recently asked me some advice pertaining to one of their loved ones who has the same struggle. After the short communication, I thought that it might be beneficial to share with people a little glimpse of what it is like to have this struggle.

Now, remember, my experience is not like everyone else's. But, this might help you understand a little bit of my life, as well as others with similar struggles.

As I said in my original post, I am also attracted to guys, but the attraction is different. The difference is that I'm attracted to girls physically. As in, their body. As in all the things the natural man in me wants, craves, and is tempted with are physical. When I am attracted to a guy, I have to put effort into it. Yes, I'll find a guy cute, but I have to take into consideration of his personality, his talents, his goals, and then he becomes legitimately attractive to me. As in, I want to spend time with him, know him better, be a part of his life, AND have that physical relationship with him.

So, that's kinda a brief explanation of my dealio.

Here's my life:

• I'm often afraid of physical contact with girls. One, because I'm not a touchy-feely person to begin with. Two, because I'm afraid of that contact giving me thoughts and feelings I don't want.
• Although I'm afraid of physical contact, I hate people having to change their own natural behaviors, and so I don't know what to do and I just feel awkward and uncomfortable.
• I'm afraid of forming friendships with girls. I'm afraid of what others who know of my struggle might think. I'm afraid of what that friend will think of my intentions. It becomes difficult for me to actually outreach.
• I get really discouraged when  I try to put forth effort in showing interest in a boy that I'm attracted to and nothing seems to come of it, because, heck, I put forth a LOT of effort to like a boy!
• I'm afraid of what might happen if I start dating a boy who doesn't know of my struggle and then I have to tell him. What will he do?
• I'm afraid that I won't get married and have a family, when, freak, I want to be a mom so bad!
• I'm afraid of losing friends when they find out about my struggle, because they feel uncomfortable - even though I've never yet experienced that.
• I'm afraid that guys won't ask me on dates because they know of my struggle.
• I hate some of the dreams I get at night.
• I get frustrated by comments made at church or by church members that, though are said innocently, can be discouraging and hurtful to those with this struggle.
• I live my life normally and do all the things I would have done without this struggle, but it is always in the back of my mind because I'm afraid of letting my guard down. 
• I'm afraid of getting to comfortable with a friend and not keeping my feelings/impulses in check.
• I constantly feel like I have to be careful how I act, or the pictures I post on Facebook because I don't want people to think I am acting on the temptation.
• Sometimes my stress and irritability is simply because I'm dealing with life and all of these fears in the back of my head.
• Sometimes I second guess my behavior with my friends, because I'm so worried about giving into temptation.

I have gained strength, though. I've learned about who I am. This struggle, it's rough sometimes. Sometimes the fears get the best of me. Some days are just rough. But, as Sara Bareilles sang about in the song at the beginning of the post, I have become an island. 

That does not mean I stand alone. That is not what Sara intended to be taken away from her song. In an interview she said, "It's not about shutting people out, it's about figuring out who you are at your core." I am not my fear. I am not my struggle or temptation. I am Beth Ann Root. Awkward, yes. But, also a friend. Loyal. Determined (or stubborn). I don't wear make-up and I rock the short hair. I love fancy watches and button-up shirts. These are the things that make me up. Not my fears, and not my temptations.

At my very core, I am a daughter of God who is doing her best to reach her fullest potential. I'm living my life, loving my friends, my family, and my life. If I concentrate on that, many of the fears slip away. And, if people focus on my core and who I am, the rest of the fears slip away - and if people don't look at my core, then, well, I shouldn't waste the time caring what they think.

Real talk: done. Now, go watch some Studio C to lighten up the mood I just created.

I wanna see you be brave!

A little over a month ago, I shared my story - well, one of my stories. A piece of my story that makes up who I am. With that experience, and as I've continued to ponder my own life and my own struggles, as well as discuss with people their own life and struggles, I've come to the conclusion that our stories are not meant to be kept to ourselves.

Why are we given weaknesses? Is it simply for us to to become better individuals ourselves? I don't believe so. I believe we are given weaknesses, trials, and experiences, not only to help us become, but to help others become. As I shared my story, I was overwhelmed by the feedback I received. People acted on my request to share my story, as I hoped it would reach people who were in a similar situation or who were seeking understanding. And then I began to receive comments and messages from people who had loved ones struggling with the same thing or who were the ones struggling.

Our experiences give us the ability to have empathy. I think that is a huge reason why we experience some of the struggles we have. We can look at others experiencing something similar, and we can, to a small degree, experience the kind of empathy and care that the Savior has. We can minister to them strengthen them, and encourage them. We can show them that it is possible to overcome, and allow the experiences to help them become.

Our experiences give us the ability to help other people understand other people's struggles.

I believe that if we take the time and effort to articulate our stories, we can change the world. We can be a force of good, of light, and of strength. We can share our failure and our triumphs, and how we have used both to become who we are today.

We can share our moments of darkness to show that it is always possible to find the light.

We can share our fears and our weaknesses to show that one can always turn to Christ.

My story is not unique; that is not why I shared it. It's simply...a story from my life. A story about my path to become the individual I am destined to be. Everyone has these stories.

My goal? My hope? My dream? To help you share your stories. Big stories, little stories. Just...your stories. Because all stories are significant. Some of you will have big weighty secrets, difficult traumas, or simple struggles. No matter the experience, your story will not be less powerful or less meaningful. The smallest of experiences can teach the greatest of lessons.

My sister, when I shared with her my plan to share my story, made a Sara Bareilles reference. She said, "Thank you for showing how big your brave is."

Sara wrote a song I'm sure you are familiar with. It's about opening up your mouth and speaking. We shouldn't be afraid to speak our heart. Stop holding your tongues, my friends. Share your story.

I would love to use my blog as a venue of sharing your stories. If you have a story to share - really, it can be big or little. I just want your stories shared - let me know. You can write it, if you like, and I'll post it here. Or, if you feel you aren't an accomplished writer, I can write it for you. I'll speak with you, interview you, and write it. Everything will be according to your approval. I won't post something that you don't like.

And then, my friends and readers, I would hope you would share the stories posted, just as you shared mine.

So, please. Ponder and pray on what you might have to share. And then show me - and the world - how big your brave is!

Never Alone

***I apologize for the visual cheesiness of this video. It's just...old...***

Today in sacrament meeting, I was reflecting on a few things. Most of my thoughts revolved around a quote I've shared before. My roommate said it to me when I was trying to make the decision of whether or not to be open about my same-sex attraction. (You can read that post here if that sentence was a shocker for you.) She said, "It's ok to be completely alone if you are standing with Christ."

My thoughts revolved around that as I thought about last weekend. Last weekend was a really difficult one for me, for multiple reasons. One of them, though, was that, for just a little bit, I allowed the adversary to convince me that I was isolated. Simple instances where, I am positive none of my friends intended to make me feel that way, I felt left out, unwanted, and alone. (In fact, I am 100% positive they had no idea and that  it had everything to do with me letting Satan put thoughts in my head.

Today, a week later and with a clearer perspective, I reflected back on what my roommate had told me. What I have learned from that statement and from my experiences with my friends and especially my roommates is that I really am never alone. Christ is always standing by me. And, the best part is, He often stands by me in the form of other people. For example, when I shared my story about my struggle, I did not get one single negative word in response. Instead, I felt love. I felt support. People shared my story. Strangers sent me messages on Facebook. Friends and roommates rallied to my side, ready to be furious if anybody did anything to hurt my feelings.

As I sat there, pondering my experiences, pondering my roommate's statement, and pondering my rough weekend, I came to the conclusion, that I'm sure we have all heard before, we are never alone. 99% of the time, someone will be sent our way. And, if not, Christ will be right there, ready to support us through the Spirit and through His love. I have been overwhelmed this past semester, as I've opened my eyes to the love that surrounds me. I frequently thank my Heavenly Father with all my heart for the people I am currently surrounded by.

You, reading this, who might feel alone, isolated, like you are rejected, I can testify to you that is a lie planted in your mind by Satan. I promise you that there is someone in your life who loves you, who cares about you, who wants what best for you. If you can't find them, it's because Christ is standing there, trying to convince you that He's there, loving you, wanting you with Him.

You are never alone. He won't allow it. He suffered so we wouldn't have to be alone.

When have you felt the Lord send you someone or send you love when you were feeling alone? Please, share your experiences and, if you know someone who can benefit from my message, share my thoughts.

To my friends

I've started multiple posts lately, but I just haven't gotten around to finishing them. The idea of this post, though, was birthed while I was at work prepping for a phone call. I had just talked to a student about her classes this semester. She's been struggling, and she was just really discouraged. Because of the nature of my job, I had the opportunity to bear my testimony and encourage her to get through it. I just gave her the gentle reminder that she would get through it, and it would be worth it. Then, while I was prepping, this song came on my Pandora station. Alright, by Walk Off the Earth (no, I'm not even sorry.) Thinking about this student - and then other students I talked to today who were having trouble making decisions or who were discouraged - made me want to share a message that reminds people that it's alright. Things will be alright.

It's not just Pathway students that I've been talking to that I feel like are in need of this message. I have friends who are discouraged, stressed, who are making tough decisions, whose lives aren't going the way they anticipated. All I want to do is scoop these people up and with as much warmth and kindness as I can muster, tell them that it's going to be alright.

Sometimes in the moment, that's not what one wants to hear. In the moment, you want to feel and you want someone else to feel, as well. But, once you have that moment of feeling and acknowledging the hardship you are experiencing, it is important to remember and hold onto the idea that you're going to be alright. Yes, you may still feel discouraged or overwhelmed while holding fast to that knowledge. But, if you hold fast, that will turn into hope, which will turn into faith, which will turn into miracles.

Don't forget to look forward. Don't forget to chase your dreams. Don't forget to remember your divine nature and divine power. Don't forget that you have the power to change the world, so the adversary is going to oppose you in any way he can, because he doesn't want to yo wield your great power and influence on the world.

So, to you who is feeling a little discouraged...did you know that you're alright? You're burning bright. To you who is having trouble making a decision, did you know that you're alright? Just chase your dreams and move forward. To you whose life feels like it's spinning out of control, did you know that you're alright? Don't regret what happened, instead use that experience to help you be strengthened and to help you strengthen others.

Just remember that you're alright, now. And if you don't feel that, you'll get there.