Deliberate Indifference

When I first started working at the juvenile corrections center, the phrase "deliberate indifference" was taught to me. It is when you actively choose to do nothing or to not care. At my job, that is very dangerous. By being deliberately indifferent, I may be putting the juveniles, my coworkers, or myself in danger, simply because I am choosing to do nothing.

I'm a very committed person. When I'm committed to something, I go all in. I give it everything I've got. But, there's a dichotomy. I also am very lazy. If I don't like a thing or I'm not invested in it, there is no way I'm putting much energy into it. I'm pretty much an all or nothing - or an all or very minimal - type of person. So, I tend to be very particular about the things I get involved in, because I only have so much energy to spend. This also applies to things I do not know much about or when I don't know how to get involved or how to move forward. Because I am a committed person, I don't want to get involved in something that I don't know how to do, because I'm afraid I won't do it well so I don't want to expend energy on it.

So, often times, I choose to be deliberately indifferent.

On May 25, George Floyd was killed when being arrested. George Floyd is not the first this year - or even this month - to have been wrongly killed. George Floyd was the straw that broke the camel's back. And if feels like the world exploded.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to get involved. I feel helpless. I'm confused. My mind has been racing. I feel sick. Last night, I had to put on a movie in order to fall asleep, even though I was exhausted - which I only do when my mind can't handle the silence because of thoughts. I haven't exactly been silent, but I've only spoken up if I've felt safe.

But I don't want to be deliberately indifferent. I don't want to do nothing or put forth minimal effort. I want my voice to be heard. I want people of color - and every other minority - to know my voice is going to support them.

But, I don't know what to say. Because I don't know what's real. Because the media is only portraying half-truths.

But, here's what I do know:

• People have been peacefully protesting for years. And has there been change? Yes. Has there been enough change? NO. And whose fault is that? Ours.
• Children who are abused, neglected, abandoned, and who experience other trauma will act out in order to get any form of attention because being positive has not gotten them what they needed in the past. So, what will a community who has been abused, neglected, abandoned, and who experienced trauma do? Act out, because their peaceful protests did not get them what they needed.
• Often times, peaceful protests are violently and cruelly broken up, without provocation. 
• Some riots are not actually done by people advocating for change, but by extremists on the other side, trying to cause panic and pandemonium.
• Both sides have some form of fault - not the fault of discrimination, but when it comes to the finger pointing of violence and such.
• We should be angry at those who have killed, those who defended those who killed, and those who are responding with violence. But, we should be angry at ourselves that we let society stay the way it is.

There's a lot I still don't know, but what I do know fills me with indignation that humans are hurting humans for...being human. It fills me with compassion, because even though there are some people who are responding inappropriately, I understand. It fills me with frustration, because people are focusing on the wrong thing. It fills me with fear, because what if we're raising another generation in abuse, neglect, abandonment, and trauma? 

Like I said, I don't know what to do. I don't have a lot of answers. But, a Sara Bareilles song has been going through my head the past few days (go figure). But, it's because I believe that when we look at people as individuals, with feelings, desires, goals, and families of their own, we become more compassionate. And there is nothing I want more than for us to become more compassionate. I'm sure there is much I can do, and I'm going to try to figure that out. But, for now, I'm gonna keep my eyes on the world. I want you to know I've got my eyes on you. I care. I'm invested. And I will act. I will not be deliberately indifferent.

Perspective

It's been around 5 years now since I came to the realization that I was gay. I was 21 years old, a recently returned missionary, and as confused as a human being could be. Honestly, a lot of that confusion still creeps up on me.

It's been quite the journey. I went from whispering anxiously that I struggled with same sex attraction, to saying with a little bit more confidence that I experienced same sex attraction, to just calling myself a lesbian (non-practicing lesbian is usually what I say, just to quickly help whoever I'm talking to understand my dealio).

I went from trying my darnedest to still date boys, convinced I was still going to get married, to just occasionally going on dates, committed to saying yes to at least a first date because I still wanted to get married, to outright accepting that I think boys are gross and that it will be a freaking miracle from God if I end up getting married to a boy. A year and a half ago, I almost decided to dip out on the church, because I was lonely, angry, confused, and just tired of being alone and daunted at the prospect of being alone for my time here on earth. Ick. I still don't like thinking about that. But, ultimately, I decided that I believed that the covenants I made with God in the temple were 100% valid and that, because of those covenants, God expected me to stay an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Unfortunately, as I received that revelation from God and the peace I had been seeking for, I didn't have all of my questions answered. I currently still have a lot of questions and a lot of uncertainty, although none of the uncertainty is towards my decision to keep my covenants and choose celibacy/loneliness/always standing apart from the Church AND the LGBT community.

What I've learned the past 5 years is the importance of not expecting or trying to force others to make the same decisions I've made. I've learned the importance of not judging other people's choices, just because they are different from what I believe. I've learned the importance of not enforcing my personal revelation on others. For example: I believe that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true. I believe, through my own efforts to seek answers and revelation from the Lord, that God expects me to not pursue anything romantic with another woman. Let me emphasize one word from that last sentence: me. I received an answer that pertains to me, and me only. God expects me. 

Now, you may ask, "But, Beth, wouldn't God expect the same thing from all of His children??" Well, yes and no. God expects us to love Him. He expects us to keep His commandments. But, He also expects us to keep the commandments according to our ability. And that looks different for each person.

God expects us to keep the Sabbath day holy, right? Some people, after turning to the Lord for revelation, feel like that means it is important for them to not work on Sunday. Thus, due to the revelation given to them, they should do their best to uphold that expectation. Me? I work most Sundays. About 50% of the time, that means I don't get to go to church. Do I feel like that means I am not keeping the Sabbath day holy? No, based on my interactions with the Lord. Now, the person who received their personal revelation that they shouldn't work on the Sabbath may try to enforce that onto me, but they would be wrong in doing so. They my judge me, look down on me, scoff at me for being so unrighteous. but ultimately, my decisions are between me and God.

Now, obviously, this does translate into something a little bit differently when we consider the law of chastity and homosexuality. But, let me tell you what my journey has taught me: God expects me to love everyone and accept everyone as they are. "Hate the sin, love the sinner." Ick. I hate the quote. I love the intention behind it, but I hate what we've turned it into. Because, here's the thing: we all are sinners. And a sin is a sin is a sin. We have no right to look at somebody's sin and look down on them for it, when we, ourselves, are sinning. We've turned that phrase into an excuse to separating sins into minor and major. But, buddy, sin is sin! We have no right to do that! So, really what we should be saying is, "Hate sin. Love people." "Hate wickedness, love people." Or just, you know, "Love God and love everyone" because, you know, those are the two greatest commandments, according to the Savior, so they should be the basis of our decisions.

If someone behaves different that you - whether they're gay, drink alcohol, gamble, swear, whatever - just love them. Sometimes we do have to be particular about who we let into our lives, but that decision shouldn't be based on whether they're gay, drink alcohol, or any of that: it's based on if they bring light into your life. I know plenty of people who drink who bring light into my life. I know gay people who bring light into my life. I know people who have left the church who bring light into my life.

The whole reason for writing about this is the Honor Code fiasco with BYU. Because you know the vibe that I'm getting from BYU? They're scared of offending people, so they just made everyone mad. With their deliberate word change, how could they not assume that students would assume that they would be free to date people of the same gender, as long as they didn't have sex? I actually was thrilled at the change, excited that BYU was being inclusive, because, yes, it is a church school, but, seriously, what's the harm in holding hands and kissing? "But then they MIGHT HAVE SEX!!" Well...yeah...the same risk is there for straight couples. I guarantee plenty of them aren't keeping the law of chastity/the honor code. "But we can't show that we condone homosexuality!" Bruh. Everyone gets it, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints doesn't condone homosexuality and teaches that God defines marriage as a union between a man and a women.

Allowing gays to freaking hold hands isn't changing doctrine. You know what it DOES do? It allows people to not be afraid. It allows people to not go 4+ years with crushing loneliness because you literally CAN'T be with anybody you are attracted to. Imagine not being able to be held when you're upset, not having a person to go to, and watching everyone around get into relationships and just slowly leave you behind. Sure, just date someone of the opposite gender, there's people who do it and seem happy - but, honestly, not everyone is gonna be happy with that. To me, that sounds not ideal. I'd say repulsive but will dudes find that offensive?

By changing the words of the Honor Code, to simply say that sexual relations were not ok, the LGBT community found hope. They were excited at being included and accepted. They understood it was not a change in doctrine of a church, but in policy of a freaking university. Like, do people understand BYU is NOT the church? Because sometimes I think people forget.

And now, BYU is backpedaling hardcore, because all of a sudden the gays were out, and members of the church were furious. But...why? Why do people need to get so angry at people just...living? Me personally, I'd like to think that, if BYU is the Lord's university (a phrase I actually hate a lot, but, you know, whatever) I think He'd be thrilled that people of any identity were happy, felt accepted, and not judged.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is...I believe God expects us to love His children and to accept them as they are. Obviously, we make invitations to come closer to Christ, but that is going to look different for each person. I'm really saddened by people's reactions to the policy change, and I'm disappointed that BYU administrators have chosen fear and protecting an image over acceptance and love. But, my job is simply to keep loving. I will continue to keep living the way I feel God wants me to live, while not holding others to my personal standards. Beth Root's standards are not everyone's standards, and that honestly is perfectly ok. I actually think that's the way it's supposed to be. God's path for me looks very different than God's path for everyone else. So, I just love.

Sharpening

Don't worry, guys, I'm alive! I know it's been awhile, but I think it's because it's taken several months for the lesson the Lord's been teaching me to sink in. Since my last post, where I talked about going to my friend's sealing, I've been thinking a lot about the importance of friends and their place in my life. If anyone has heard me talk about the importance of friendship in my life, you've probably heard me use Proverbs 27:17:

Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.

For the past while, I have had a hard time not isolating myself. Part of it was because finding a social scene after graduating and then getting a new job with an inconvenient schedule was really hard. Part of it was because I started having a hard time with things. Part of it was personal insecurities, worries, and fears. As I started getting out of my funk, I recognized that I was isolating myself and would make occasional attempts to reach out to friends, as well as had friends reach out to me. But, I wasn't very consistent at it, and I became very comfortable sitting in my room, by myself, watching Netflix for hours on end.

It wasn't until a few months ago that the Spirit very strongly indicated to me that this was not good enough for the Lord. How in the world was I supposed to make a difference in the world if all I do outside of work is sit on my butt watching Netflix, by myself? I missed doing things for others - service in any form has always been incredibly important to me and has brought me a lot of happiness - but it was nearly impossible for people to recognize that I was available to help them or for me to know what I could do to help others if no one ever saw me. Essentially what the Spirit told me was, "You can't be a disciple of Jesus Christ if you sit in your room by yourself all day."

So, I told myself that I needed to start being social again and start reaching out to my friends again. The only issue was...I didn't really know how to go about that. I am really uncomfortable in settings where there are large groups of people and I don't know very many people, so going out to activities is really difficult for me without a person by my side. My work schedule usually means I'm home when everyone else is in school or at work, so trying to plan things with my friends can be difficult. I also have this weird complex where I'm insecure in my friendships, so I am constantly worrying if I'm being annoying by always wanting/asking to spend time with people and don't want to cross boundaries, and really I just overthink literally everything. So I just kinda tapped out and only put forth a half-hearted effort.

I was always thinking about it, though, and trying to figure out how the flip to act on that prompting. Then, I had a friend who had come home from her mission move back up to Rexburg. I was pretty stoked about this and I made plans to meet up with her. I met her roommates, who were super friendly and weirdly invested in me (to me, it was weird, because that's not how I react when I first meet someone because strangers make me nervous and if I appear otherwise, it is because I have gotten good at pretending like it's not a thing) and then, all of a sudden, I was friends with the whole apartment. And, all of a sudden, I was over there on my days off. And, all of a sudden, even when I wasn't at their apartment, I still wasn't in my room watching Netflix but doing somewhat productive things. I was going to the temple with more frequency. I was making plans with other friends. 

But, more than that, I felt like I was slowly remembering how to be myself again. The past year and a half caused a lot of change in me, and not all of it was in the right direction - though, not all of it was bad and some of it was necessary. My job requires me to be skeptical and cautious. I can't be ready to trust or be soft-hearted, or I'll be easily manipulated and unable to face the sometimes ugly realities and truths. This then permeated my every day interactions, and I became cynical, closed off, and a bit prickly (I mean, I've always been prickly, so, like, more so). My struggles led me to have some unhealthy habits and coping mechanisms which meant I was not as ready to smile as I used to be and I had some darkness to shed. I also became even more dedicated (and stubborn) in my faith, which obviously is good, but I also allowed the stubbornness to affect the way I shared some of my views and opinions - and that way being very loud and maybe more aggressive than assertive.

As I started spending time with friends, especially the apartment of sudden and new friends, I saw so clearly the rough, harder, and darker parts of me start to change to smoother, gentler, and lighter parts. I felt like a weight was lifted. I was happier. I laughed more. I was thinking outside of myself. I felt like me. And it happened so quickly! It was almost like the Lord became so exasperated by my awkward and rare attempts at being social that he handed me these individuals and was like, "Here you go! Now get back to being you and doing the good things you used to do and being with the people you love!" 

So, I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I have been blessed with people who sharpen my countenance - who bring me closer to my best self and to the person I want to be. I've always believed God has deliberately placed people in my path and He has always placed quality people. I'm incredibly grateful for those friends I've had the past 26 years, because I really wouldn't be the person I am today. The friends who have loved me, called me out on my crap, been patient with me, taught me, put up with me when I was not the easiest person to be with, who have brought light into myself, and who have helped me become who I am now. 

I also want to reiterate the importance of solid friends. They don't have to believe the same thing, like the same things, live in the same state, or be in the same position/stage in life as you to be a good friend. Without those special individuals, there is no way we can become all that we can or do all that is possible for us to accomplish. And there is no way we can be our happiest. And our friends cannot do the same without us. 

Thank you to all who have sharpened my countenance. Because of you, I am currently the happiest I have been in awhile. It feels good to no longer be in my room by myself.

Weddings and stuff

Weddings are interesting for me to experience. I love celebrating people that I love making commitments  to another person, knowing that they have the capacity to make each other so happy. Getting to go to sealings is even better, because those commitments turn into covenants, and those covenants are essential for exaltation. I love getting to witness those moments. I love being able to support the people that I love as they make those commitments and covenants.

But, it also reminds me that, unless something drastic happens and the Lord sends me a miracle in the form of one special man (which, the realist in me will remind me and everyone else who tells me it's possible  that while of course it isn't impossible, it's highly unlikely. Like, probs not gonna happen), I don't get to experience that commitment, that relationship, that support.  Of course, there are downsides and upsides to being single, but that's not the point of this post.

The point is, marriage is pretty cool. Eternal marriage is even cooler. I totally support it. I had the opportunity to go to a good friend's wedding this weekend - and by wedding, I mean ALL THE THINGS. Wedding ceremony, luncheon, sealing, reception - even a bachelorette party the night before. It was exhausting, mostly because I was constantly surrounded by people I didn't know, except for, like 5 people, and we all know how much I hate situations like that. But it also was totally and completely worth it. For a couple of reasons.

One, because I love getting to go to sealings. Because the temple is the best. Also covenants. And getting to see my friend get sealed to a man who she has dated for a LONG time, and to someone I've had the chance to get to know a bit, so I know he will be a stellar husband, it made me so happy! Because THEY were happy! And their families were happy! Everyone was happy! People say Disneyland is the happiest place on earth, but I feel like the most correct statement is that sealing rooms are the happiest places on earth. And I got to be there, which made me happy.

Two, I don't get to go to every wedding I'd like to go to. Some are several states away. Some happened when I couldn't get away from my responsibilities. Some happened when I was in a selfish period, so it would have been a chore getting me to do anything that inconvenienced me. So, with the wedding being only 4 1/2 hours away, knowing about it like 10 months in advance, and having a job where I get vacation time and having plenty of time to arrange to have it off, nothing was going to stop me from being there. I've missed weddings that I now wish I hadn't, and I wasn't going to make that mistake again.

Three, I needed my friend to know how much I support her and care about her. Like, that's a big deal for me. The past few of years have involved people supporting me and helping me when, some of the time, I felt a bit like a crazy person. And, especially lately, I haven't  had much of the chance to give back. So, even if I didn't get to interact with her a whole lot this weekend, I was there, and she knew I was there because she is important to me.

Four, the eternal perspective. In my Sunday School lesson today, I talked a bit about the parable of the Ten Virgins. With the whole wedding thing, it happened to stick out to me while I was preparing the lesson. The idea of being like those 5 foolish virgins and having the bridegroom say "I know you not" (or, if you look in the JST footnote, it says "ye know me not." But only in the newer edition, not the old one. Which I discovered in the middle of my lesson, while I was looking at my set which I got when I graduated high school, whereas I typically do my personal study with just a New Testament, which I recently got, so guess what, footnotes are different. Almost started hardcore panicking in my lesson because I thought I had a weird dream where I dreamed reading the JST and that it never happened in reality. Anyway, I digress...), the idea of hearing those words from my friend's mouth ripped my heart apart. The idea of someone whose friendship I cherish, who I look up to and who has been a strength to me in difficult times just being like, "You don't know me." Imagining it sounds like a literal nightmare. Thinking about it in that literal context was eye opening. If I do not properly prepare, there will come the time when I will come face to face with my Savior, and I will beg to be let in, to celebrate, to share in everyone's joy, and He will say, "You do not know me." The man who has carried me. The man who forgives me when I'm a dingus and can't seem to keep it together. The man who I love so much. I NEVER want that experience. And this weekend, getting to see my friend in the temple just reminded me of the eternal perspective. If I was willing to do what it takes to make it to her wedding, the Bridegroom's celebrations are infinitely more important for me to prepare for.

Life is hard. Like, really hard, sometimes. But if we make the hard decisions now, prepare now, choose the right now, that nightmare will never come true. Yeah, weddings remind me that I'm alone. But they also remind me of eternity and of God's plan. God doesn't intend for me to be alone. Besides, a big of singledom and a little loneliness is TOTALLY worth it, if it means I get to be welcomed by the Bridegroom. As long as I know Him and He knows me, I think everything will be worth it.

So, moral of the story is, I'm actually a giant sap who is a hopeless romantic and I love weddings. But just don't expect me to admit it in public. Or to ever truly enjoy the majority of chick flicks.

Also, the Gospel, in my opinion, is always worth it.

Peace

This is a blog post I have been thinking a lot about, and I still haven't decided exactly how I want it written. Partially because it's so vastly different from my last blog post. But, I think what I'm going to do is tell two different stories. Beth Ann Root was two very different people in both of these stories, but despite those differences, she came to the same conclusion.

One of the most pivotal moments on my mission happened when I was out knocking doors. My companion and I came across a man who was very kind, but very stubborn in his insistence that he would never read the Book of Mormon. His reason why was because he said that Joseph Smith was a false prophet. He went on to say that Joseph had made prophecies that didn't come to pass, so he was a false prophet. He explained that he tried to seek answers, and he never was able to find any. He wasn't able to give us any specifics, so my companion and I couldn't answer his questions, either. He was genuinely concerned for us, because of our commitment to the Gospel. He was very kind about it all.

I remember at one moment, very clearly thinking that I had a choice: to rely on the witnesses I had received from the Holy Ghost and hold fast in my testimony or to let his statements bother me and to allow them to cause me to start doubting in my testimony. So, what I did was take out my Book of Mormon and talk about faith. I explained to him that I had experiences where the Spirit told me that the Book of Mormon was true. I explained that I had received answers to questions and found peace and happiness in difficult times through the Book of Mormon, so I believed it to be true. I then explained that if the Book of Mormon is true, then Joseph Smith, who was the one who brought forth the Book of Mormon, translating it by the power of God, had to be a true prophet. A false prophet could not bring about a book that was so good and that was completely and totally from God. And, if the book was true and if Joseph Smith was a true prophet, then the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was the true church, organized by God. And that was it for me. I wasn't shaken by a little opposition. I was able to recognize that I wasn't going to have all the answers, that I didn't know every little thing about Joseph Smith or the history of the church, or even about the church in general. But, I knew my testimony. I knew the experiences that I had had, and I couldn't deny those experiences. So, I simply held fast, and found confidence and solidity in my testimony.

Fast forward a few years to this past General Conference. I wasn't exactly in a super stellar place. I had a lot of darkness and bitterness in my heart, because, you know what, being gay and an active member of the church is hard crap. I was getting more angry at people and less understanding. I was being overcome with so much negativity and darkness, and I knew it was impacting me. I was trying to have good and regular scripture studies and attend the temple regularly, but, for some reason, it just wasn't cutting it. I was getting desperate for relief, so I went to Heavenly Father for what felt like the umpteenth and asked for answers during General Conference. I needed something. When President Nelson spoke to the women of the church, I knew Heavenly Father was giving me my answer. Among the things I needed to do was read the entire Book of Mormon before the year ended. I had just gotten past the Isaiah chapters, but I started over and started my earnest and desperate study. This was it for me. This was my test before the Lord. If He did not deliver me from the darkness and bitterness by me doing this, I was unsure if I was ever going to be able to get rid of it. I was about halfway through the Book of Mormon, when I noticed that a lot of the anger and bitterness I had been feeling had disappeared. I was less enraged about things, I was more pleasant to be around, and I didn't go around raging quite as much about stupid things people say/do or the false doctrine that I heard being taught. But...the bitterness and darkness was instead replaced with something else: confusion.

Why were people who, after seeking God's counsel and who were trying to do all that they were supposed to say that they felt like leaving the church was they should do? Was God telling some to leave, while He was telling some to go? Even gays! Some were forsaking their partners, even spouses, to be baptized  - or rebaptized - in the church, but then some were deciding to leave their heterosexual marriages and pursue a partner, in order to have that complete satisfaction and happiness. I was shook. I was confused. I didn't get it. I felt like no matter what option I took, I was going to have some sort of misery in my life. I honestly didn't see a way out. I thought about what it would mean to be with a woman and the impact that would have on my life. I thought about staying active in the church, single and celibate for the rest of my life. I thought about staying active in the church and trying to find a husband (I actually downloaded Mutual - for the second time - and then less than 24 hours later deleted it, because out of all of the options that one felt like the most nope-ish. Liking someone's personality doesn't mean compatible for marital happiness). I literally didn't know what to do, and nothing made sense. I talked to people, seeking their understanding, their testimonies, their experiences.

And, I kept reading the Book of Mormon. As I got closer and closer to the end, I don't think any of my questions were ever resolved. But, peace started entering my heart, and the conflict and the wrestle that I was having dissipated. When I finished the Book of Mormon, I made a decision: I was choosing to stay. Why? Because the Book of Mormon brought me peace when literally nothing else out in the world could. By following the guidance of a prophet, My burden was not taken away, but it became possible for me to carry without feeling like I couldn't move. I felt relief. So, I chose to rely on the experiences I have had, and instead of letting the doubts and the confusion fester, I'm choosing to trust, just like I did when I spoke to that man while I was on my mission.

Faith does not mean you do not have questions. Faith does not mean you don't have doubts. Faith does not mean you understand everything. Faith simply means you decide to trust what you belief, and act accordingly. As you do so, you gain more understanding. I've decided to nourish what I believe, rather than what I'm confused about. That doesn't mean I'm not seeking answers - because I am. But, not as frantically or with as much panic.

Why do some people feel that God is telling them to walk away from something that I believe to be God's church, His work and glory? I don't know. But that's probably between them and God. I mean, it is His work, not mine. I don't want people privy to every single wrestle and conversation I have with Him, so why should I feel privileged to the same thing with others. Do I believe those people are wrong to say God has led them away from the church? I don't think I have a right to have an opinion on whether that is right or wrong. My journey is not their journey. God is understanding of all things and all circumstances, and He will work things out in the way that He feels is best. Do I believe that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is God's Kingdom, complete with necessary doctrines, covenants, and ordinances? Absolutely.

Would it be easier for me to walk away from all of this and just live my gay, happy life (see what I did there?). Possibly. But, God, through His undeniable peace, had told me I am where I need to be for the most about of happiness. And, as I have made the decision to stay, and made the choice without bitterness or frustration or without the hope that it could be a different way, I have found what I've been searching months for: peace.

And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship...and they awake him and say unto him, "Master, carest thou not that we perish? And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, there was a great calm."  Mark 4:37-39

Keeping it real

There's a line in Twenty One Pilots' song "Kitchen Sink" that used to confuse me, but now I feel like it is a perfect representation of how I feel most of the time.

"Here's a prime example of a stand up guy who hates what he believes and loves it at the same time."

I'm going to be pretty frank and open with this post. I believe in being authentic, but a lot of time when I write my posts, I write about the strength of overcoming and commitment, and less about the day-to-day confusion and frustration.

So, here's the dealio. I believe that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is God's church. I believe it with all of my heart. Every time I read my Book of Mormon, the Spirit testifies to me of it's truthfulness. And, I have a strong testimony of President Nelson. I believe that he speaks for God and he is leading and guiding this church as God would have him. I believe that Joseph Smith restored this church, and that this is the same church that Christ established when He was on this earth. Above all else, I believe in my Savior, Jesus Christ. He is my Redeemer. Through Him, we have the Atonement, which provides us with God's grace, to strengthen us and to redeem us. These are truths I can always fall back on, and because my faith is secure in these foundational truths, all other teachings and principles of the church slide into place.

Now, here's where things get tricky: sometimes, I don't want to live according to those teachings. Sometimes, I think too much has been asked of me. Sometimes, I feel like God has required too much of me, to require me to bridle my passions. I want to be with another woman. I crave that relationship and companionship. There was one night, I got home from work late. It was about 12:30 am. The day had been a little bit frustrating, as well as the day before. I was worn out, emotionally drained, and, more than anything, I wanted a person to go to. Instead, I came home to a dark apartment. My roommates were in bed, which was to be expected, and I'm not super close to them, so I don't know if I'd vent to them about my day anyway. When I climbed into bed, all I wanted was someone to be there with me, to hold me, to comfort me, and to support me. All that week, I felt a profound emptiness inside of me, because the companionship that I was craving was so much more than just friendship. I wanted a person to be with me. I wanted to be intimate with someone - emotionally and physically. And I wanted that person to be a woman.

In these moments, I become so frustrated. And, I become weak. Sometimes I do things I'm not proud of, because of my vulnerability. I try to justify things. Lines become blurry. I feel like my burden to bear isn't fair. Isn't God perfectly just and merciful? Where is the justice and the mercy in being alone for the rest of my life?

Of course, there will be the people who's gut reaction will be to say, "Well, you can always have a boyfriend. You can still have a husband." Yes. You're right. That is always a possibility. And, granted, it is more appealing than being alone for the rest of my mortal probation. But, it also is really hard. What man is going to want to be with a woman who isn't physically attracted to him? Those rare occasions when I go on a date, I usually come home with the thought, "Yep, definitely don't like dudes." Dating and marriage is hard to begin with. Add the complications of different sexualities? It gets so much more complicated and messy. It is rare to find an individual who can work with all of that. I know to some of you it may sound like a cop out. To you, I'm sure it seems more like a toddler stomping her foot on the ground and yelling, "It's not how I want it, so NO!" But it's so much more complex than that.

So, some days (most days, every day, depending on the week/month) I hate the fact that I'm so committed. I hate the fact that I care so much about my temple recommend. I hate the fact that I have this burning testimony. I hate that I know the truth. Because I want to give it up. It'd be so much easier. And, while I know it wouldn't be an eternal commitment, I would be happy. I would be able to keep living a lifestyle that is still similar to my current lifestyle. It would just add a relationship that would make me happy. I get angry. I get desperate. I feel so many things inside of me that I don't know what to do.

But, then, there are other days. Days where I feel God's love being poured down upon me. I know He doesn't like that this is so hard for me. I know He would provide an easier way, if that were the best thing for me. I know He yearns for my lasting happiness, and that He provides things, people, events in my life to help me be happy. And I AM happy. But I'm also often miserable. And I know that, despite my frustrations and misery, there is an eternal perspective, and that eternal happiness is waiting for me.

But, goodness, do I hate that eternal perspective, sometimes!

So, I'm writing and sharing this, not because I want people to feel sorry for me or to praise me for sticking to my faith. I don't want either of those things. This is just me. This is how I am. This is my lot in life. It is what it is. But, this perspective has made some things clear to me.

One: No matter how confident I am feeling, I cannot say if I will remain faithful at all times. I am mortal. I am committed, but I may also hit a breaking point. If I hit that point, I know ultimately, I will feel guilty. But I sure as hell won't need anyone to point out my mistake or make me feel even more guilty. Because it will be my decision to make. No one else's. If I choose to walk away from the Church and its teachings - or even just some of its teachings - what I would hope from people is the Christlike response: love. To be accepted, regardless the choices that I'm making. Not to be the gossip of the group, because I would still be me. One of the most touching moments I had when I was visiting some friends in Utah was when my friend told me that if I decided to pursue a relationship with another woman, I would be welcome in her home, and she would want to meet her, that nothing would change in our friendship. That is what I would hope from everyone.

Two: I cannot judge another person for walking away from the church, or for willingly breaking a commandment. I don't understand what they are experiencing and what drove them to that decision. I have no place to judge them. My place is only to love. We are all sinners. We all willfully rebel, at some point in our lives. The role of a disciple of Christ is to live the Gospel to the best of their ability, love others, teach, accept, and invite. This does not include browbeating, pushing, forsaking, and turning your back. This does not include gossiping, fake friendships, or avoidance.

Three: Everyone you see at church is a sinner. Your bishop. Your relief society president. Your Sunday school teacher. They sin. So, if someone shows up, and you know they were at the bar every weekend for the past month, love them and just be happy that they are there. If you know someone is smoking regularly, but they still are at church regularly, be happy that they are there. Now, obviously, that doesn't mean you don't teach the Gospel. You teach true principles, but don't point fingers and don't hold anyone to the standard of perfection - because you can't uphold that standard, either. The only one who could was Christ, and when He met sinners, He didn't point out their many flaws. He just loved them, spent time with them, and taught them when He could.

So, I guess my message is that I am vulnerable. We all are. I have no intentions of walking away from something that I know to be true. But I also can't say that I never will. But, it also is why I've started going to the temple every week, why I do my very best to read my scriptures every day, why I will go to a ward that isn't my own, because I can't go to my own ward because of work, and why I seek people who fill me with the light of God's love. Because, despite how much I sometimes hate the fact that I'm so committed to Christ and His Gospel...I am committed. I've made covenants, so I'm doing what I can to ensure that I keep them. In the end, I know it will be worth it. But I know that I am weak, so I may end up making mistakes - I have ended up making mistakes. And that's okay. That literally is what Christ's Atonement is for. We have access to grace - to help us repent of those mistakes and to help us withstand our weaknesses. Grace is the only way to keep it together through vulnerability.

 It's okay to be vulnerable, it's okay to be weak, and it's okay to be confused and uncertain. What would this mortality be without a some strife and angst - and the ability to choose despite everything we know and feel?

I Feel My Savior's Love

This weekend I had the chance to go to Utah. I planned a quick trip so I could visit some friends that I hadn't seen in years (and within those years, most of them got married and had kids, or are currently pregnant. Apparently I need to visit people more often...) During this trip, I was completely overwhelmed by the amount of love I felt. Not only from my friends, but also from the Savior.

Life is hard. I think everyone can agree with that. I often find myself focusing on the more difficult pieces, rather than the blessings. As I drove about this weekend, traveling to visit my friends and then driving back to Idaho, I couldn't stop thinking about how blessed I am. I had been feeling really bogged down. I love my job, but it's definitely tough, and I've had a few rough days recently. I've been feeling confused, frustrated, bitter, angry, lonely - like, all the feelings. So, briefly, I couldn't stop myself from thinking that my life wasn't fair, that it was stupid that I had to endure the trials given to me, and I felt like I was hanging on just by the tips of my fingers.

I slowly started getting my crap together, but I definitely could tell that I damaged myself a little bit, by letting those feelings overwhelm me. I let too much darkness in, and I felt a little bit hollowed out. But, I am here to tell you that, this weekend, I have been filled. I have been filled with light and with love. And the whole reason is because God sent His angels in the form of my wonderful friends.

I didn't get to see everyone that I wanted to see while I was in Utah, but God made sure that the people I saw could soothe my soul and heal some of the broken pieces of my heart. This weekend, my friends were standing in the stead of my Savior.

I felt Christlike love as one expressed to me that no matter what choices I made, she wanted to be a part of my life, and she would always support me. I felt Christlike as I confessed insecurities, mistakes, frustrations, and the desperation of my feelings, and the response was to point out Gospel principles and to tell me that they loved me. I felt Christlike love as one gently rebuked me for my frustrations towards other people, who are only as imperfect as I am. I felt Christlike love as hours of time were given up to be with me. I felt Christlike love emanate from those wonderful people, as they ached for the things I said I was going through, trying to understand, so they could support me in the way that the Savior would. I felt Christlike love through their words, making me feel strong, despite how frail and broken I am. I felt Christlike love, because they are what disciples of Christ look like, because they carry His light and live His teachings.

My Savior ministered to me this weekend, through my friends. It was such a sacred experience. And I'm not saying that my friends are, like, these impossibly perfect people. I am a strong advocate for acknowledging that everyone sins - it kinda keeps us from getting to judgey, ya know? So, no, my friends are not perfect. But that's the glory of life, is that we do not have to be perfect to minister and to be disciples. My friends may not be perfect, but my friends love the Savior. They try to do what is right. And that is what really matters. That is why I love being around them, because they are examples to me.

So, really, I just wanted to remind y'all of the power you have to bring light into people's lives. YOU have the power to help those around you feel of Christ's love. I have been brought closer to my Savior this weekend, and I am so grateful for it. Never underestimate your ability to do good, simply by loving others.