Pride

As I've gotten older, I have definitely changed some of my ideas and perspectives - which, I think, is as it should be. We should always be changing, growing, evolving. That should include our beliefs and how we view the world. I will admit, one of the things that has helped me the most to make some of these changes was coming to terms with the fact that I am gay. The journey I have gone on has caused some major shifts in me. It hasn't changed my testimony or my faith, but it has changed the way I view and interact with people who are different than me.

June is Pride month. A month where the LGBTQ+ community celebrates and is celebrated. This year has produced an interesting Pride month. With protests against racism and police brutality and advocacy for a change in the police force, Pride month has become about defending everyone's rights, not just the rights of one community.

I've been thinking a lot about humanity. As you probably know, I work at a juvenile corrections center. I work with kids who could be given the label of criminals. Something that gets me fired up is when these kids talk about how they're treated in other facilities. Are they likely to be exaggerating? I mean, yeah, probably. But, the fact that many of them express appreciation for how we treat them, the food we give them, the fact that their blankets aren't super thin and that they are allowed more than one of them indicates to me that, sometimes, these kids aren't treated as they should. And that just doesn't seem right to me.

Who are we, as humans, to treat anyone without human decency? I mean, you're allowed to be angry with someone, set boundaries, be firm, even decide to not interact with someone. But, all of that is different than treating someone as if they are not human. Unfortunately, humans have a tendency to dehumanize anyone who is different from them - looks different, believes differently, or acts differently. I mean, I understand, in the case of those who commit crimes, sometimes it is necessary for justice to be met. But that can be done without dehumanizing someone.

Four years ago today, there was a mass shooting at Pulse, a gay nightclub. Today, on the anniversary of this tragedy, a regulation was finalized that removes the protection previously given to transgenders to ensure they could not be discriminated against by doctors, hospitals, and insurance companies. By limiting the definition of sex discrimination, transgender people can now be refused care.

At the beginning of the month, a brief was submitted to the Supreme Court that suggested that adoption agencies could, on the basis of religion, refuse to let gay couples adopt.

Within the past couple of days, two black transgender women were murdered. According to the information presently had, they make the 13th and 14th transgender - or non gender conforming - individuals murdered this year. And it's possible more have happened but are just unreported. These murders have happened with more frequency in recent years, and people of color are disproportionately targeted.

Now, I've always tried to stay out of politics as much as possible. I know that I am woefully uninformed. But, something that I am not uninformed on is respecting someone, as a human. You don't have to like them. You don't have to agree with them. Heck, you can hate them, for all I care. But, dehumanizing someone is never appropriate.

I am honestly baffled by the things I've written - allowing discrimination because of differences and murdering simply because someone has decided that they are not who society told them they were. Like, if somebody decided to change their gender, does that make them less human? Bruh, the fact that I even have to pose that question is just so dumbfounding to me.

It also enrages me. It enrages me to know that people are willing to deny people their rights - even at the corrections facility, the juveniles have the right to be treated by a nurse or doctor if they need it! And their rights are limited! It enrages me that people think that discrimination is ok. It enrages me that people just passively let it happen. It enrages me that I wasn't always enraged.

Are you enraged? If you aren't, why not?

There is a lot going on in the world. Protests, riots, a flipping pandemic, people fighting for change - both good and bad. There is a lot of conflict and a lot of disagreements. Honestly, that doesn't bother me. What bothers me is when that conflict and those disagreements turn into something ugly. When it turns into something where both sides have stopped listening.

Honestly, I'm overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed by all the feelings. I'm overwhelmed that there was so much I was unaware of. I'm overwhelmed by how badly I want to do something, but I don't know what to do or how to be informed - accurately.

I'm tired, too. I'm tired of this fight against hate, racism, cruelty, and aggression.

But, I'm also proud. I'm proud of the people who are stepping up and speaking up. I'm proud of the fact that they are pushing for change and not backing down. And, I'm proud of myself - of who I am, who I've become, and what I'm trying to accomplish. It's a great time to celebrate Pride.




And because the student inside of me was SCREAMING, here are the websites I got a lot of my information on. (I know that there is so much more to be read on these topics.)
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/dominique-fells-riah-milton-transphobia-new-calls/

https://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/adoption-agency-should-be-able-reject-gay-couples-trump-administration-n1224911

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/12/us/politics/trump-transgender-rights.html

Real Talk 2.0

"Just because needs are righteous, that doesn't mean they're being met in righteous ways." - Laurie Campbell in Reborn that Way

Everyone has the same basic needs (cue discussion on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs). We also have needs specific to us. For example, some people need social interaction more than others. Some people need to be touched more than others. Some people need validation. Some people need time to themselves. The list goes on and on. Sometimes, when we feel like our needs aren't being met, we try to fulfill them in unhealthy ways.

I have some needs that aren't met. And, today, when I read the above quote, I realized I was trying to meet them in unhealthy, unfulfilling ways. One of the biggest ways: I try to escape. Books, movies, shows, games, social media, etc. If I'm not doing school and I'm not at work, I'm doing SOMETHING to avoid any space that gives room for that unmet need.

Tonight, I realized that, unfortunately, as I make these efforts to escape and to numb, I have stopped giving myself room to think and to ponder. I've stopped giving myself time with the Lord. Because quiet moments mean I have to face uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. But, by escaping, I've taken away opportunities for growth, vulnerability, and learning.

That exchange kind of sucks.

So, tonight, I decided to be a little bit honest and vulnerable, in an effort to give myself space to think. To allow myself to feel uncomfortable without reaching for something to escape. So, here is some of my uncomfortable thoughts:

• I'm afraid I'll fall in love with a woman and that she also will fall in love with me. I'm afraid because, although I can deal with my feelings if I like a woman and it's not reciprocated, I don't know if I can stick with my commitment to keep my temple covenants if she also likes me. 
• I sometimes feel like a bit of a loner at church. And I worry that once I age out of a YSA ward and go to a family ward that I won't be able to form close bonds with anyone, because I'll just be that single lady. I worry I won't be able to make any close friends in a family ward, because married people tend to hang out with married people. Also, I'm socially inept! My future at church worries me.
• I don't get touched very often. Like, I have a huge bubble. I generally don't like people in my bubble. But I also need physical touch. But, I'm not comfortable with a lot men touching me - I mean, there's a lot that I am comfortable touching me, but I honestly couldn't tell you why I'm comfortable with some and not comfortable with others - and, although I'm typically more comfortable with women touching me (still, not all. and I couldn't tell you why some and not others. I have found no consistency) I'm scared of women touching me because what if I catch FEELINGS. I get how irrational that is, but I never claimed to be rational. So, despite the fact that I actually need to be touched, like hugs and simple touches on the shoulder and even just someone sitting next to me, even if they're not touching but just, like, close to me, it's just easier to say that I have a big bubble and don't like being touched. Because how am I going to explain that I need physical interaction, but maybe not from everyone. Like, that person is allowed in my bubble, but not you, even though we're friends? Also, I'm afraid of you touching me, because you're pretty and I don't to suddenly be attracted to you, but you're one of the people I'm comfortable with being in my bubble? How do you explain that? So, my loneliness is enhanced because I'm a confusing - and confused - human being. 
• I may have made the decision to stay active in the church and I may be totally at peace and mostly happy with that choice, but I still have demons I wrestle with.
• I get overwhelmed at the idea of being single for forever (and, don't worry, when I say forever, I mean for this life, but it FEELS like forever). I want companionship. I want someone to be with for the rest of my life, to make decisions with, to argue with, to learn with, to have a family with, to be intimate with, to share my burdens with. I want that so bad. I don't know if I can do that with a man. I'm not saying I can't, but I don't know if it would work or if it would be healthy for me. So, I just look forward as if I'm going to be single. And that overwhelms me. It fills me with a profound loneliness.
• Sometimes, when I get home from work after a hard day, or even if it's just a day where I'm filled with feelings, I just want someone to hold me. Or even someone to go home to and talk to. Those nights, I'm lucky if someone is up late enough to text me back, so I usually just lay in bed and distract myself - I escape.
• I still sometimes wonder if I am just confused about being gay. But then I think about when I dated boys and when I tried to date boys. Ick.
• A recent uncomfortable thought is my worry that, currently, I'm doing a bad job at being a good friend. I used to judge my ability at being a good friend on how much I did for that person - buying them food, giving them rides, being their confidant. I haven't had as many opportunities to do things like that, lately, and it really makes me feel inadequate, but I don't know how else to be a good friend because that's what I always did.
• I want to be a mom. Like so freaking bad. And I want to adopt - particularly older kids. But I'm afraid I can't be nurturing enough. Or, for some reason, they won't let me adopt or even be a foster mom because I'll be a single mom. And that is a devastating thought.

There. Those are some of my uncomfortable thoughts that I spend a lot of time and effort avoiding. I share, not to get sympathy or because I'm seeking validation. I'm sharing because I need to face them. I need to stop escaping. I need to lean into them. I need to turn to God - and my friends - and give room for Him to do something with them.

Maybe you do too. I don't know. But, I know that I want to give space for the uncomfortable, so that I have more space fo the Lord.

Deliberate Indifference

When I first started working at the juvenile corrections center, the phrase "deliberate indifference" was taught to me. It is when you actively choose to do nothing or to not care. At my job, that is very dangerous. By being deliberately indifferent, I may be putting the juveniles, my coworkers, or myself in danger, simply because I am choosing to do nothing.

I'm a very committed person. When I'm committed to something, I go all in. I give it everything I've got. But, there's a dichotomy. I also am very lazy. If I don't like a thing or I'm not invested in it, there is no way I'm putting much energy into it. I'm pretty much an all or nothing - or an all or very minimal - type of person. So, I tend to be very particular about the things I get involved in, because I only have so much energy to spend. This also applies to things I do not know much about or when I don't know how to get involved or how to move forward. Because I am a committed person, I don't want to get involved in something that I don't know how to do, because I'm afraid I won't do it well so I don't want to expend energy on it.

So, often times, I choose to be deliberately indifferent.

On May 25, George Floyd was killed when being arrested. George Floyd is not the first this year - or even this month - to have been wrongly killed. George Floyd was the straw that broke the camel's back. And if feels like the world exploded.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to get involved. I feel helpless. I'm confused. My mind has been racing. I feel sick. Last night, I had to put on a movie in order to fall asleep, even though I was exhausted - which I only do when my mind can't handle the silence because of thoughts. I haven't exactly been silent, but I've only spoken up if I've felt safe.

But I don't want to be deliberately indifferent. I don't want to do nothing or put forth minimal effort. I want my voice to be heard. I want people of color - and every other minority - to know my voice is going to support them.

But, I don't know what to say. Because I don't know what's real. Because the media is only portraying half-truths.

But, here's what I do know:

• People have been peacefully protesting for years. And has there been change? Yes. Has there been enough change? NO. And whose fault is that? Ours.
• Children who are abused, neglected, abandoned, and who experience other trauma will act out in order to get any form of attention because being positive has not gotten them what they needed in the past. So, what will a community who has been abused, neglected, abandoned, and who experienced trauma do? Act out, because their peaceful protests did not get them what they needed.
• Often times, peaceful protests are violently and cruelly broken up, without provocation. 
• Some riots are not actually done by people advocating for change, but by extremists on the other side, trying to cause panic and pandemonium.
• Both sides have some form of fault - not the fault of discrimination, but when it comes to the finger pointing of violence and such.
• We should be angry at those who have killed, those who defended those who killed, and those who are responding with violence. But, we should be angry at ourselves that we let society stay the way it is.

There's a lot I still don't know, but what I do know fills me with indignation that humans are hurting humans for...being human. It fills me with compassion, because even though there are some people who are responding inappropriately, I understand. It fills me with frustration, because people are focusing on the wrong thing. It fills me with fear, because what if we're raising another generation in abuse, neglect, abandonment, and trauma? 

Like I said, I don't know what to do. I don't have a lot of answers. But, a Sara Bareilles song has been going through my head the past few days (go figure). But, it's because I believe that when we look at people as individuals, with feelings, desires, goals, and families of their own, we become more compassionate. And there is nothing I want more than for us to become more compassionate. I'm sure there is much I can do, and I'm going to try to figure that out. But, for now, I'm gonna keep my eyes on the world. I want you to know I've got my eyes on you. I care. I'm invested. And I will act. I will not be deliberately indifferent.

Perspective

It's been around 5 years now since I came to the realization that I was gay. I was 21 years old, a recently returned missionary, and as confused as a human being could be. Honestly, a lot of that confusion still creeps up on me.

It's been quite the journey. I went from whispering anxiously that I struggled with same sex attraction, to saying with a little bit more confidence that I experienced same sex attraction, to just calling myself a lesbian (non-practicing lesbian is usually what I say, just to quickly help whoever I'm talking to understand my dealio).

I went from trying my darnedest to still date boys, convinced I was still going to get married, to just occasionally going on dates, committed to saying yes to at least a first date because I still wanted to get married, to outright accepting that I think boys are gross and that it will be a freaking miracle from God if I end up getting married to a boy. A year and a half ago, I almost decided to dip out on the church, because I was lonely, angry, confused, and just tired of being alone and daunted at the prospect of being alone for my time here on earth. Ick. I still don't like thinking about that. But, ultimately, I decided that I believed that the covenants I made with God in the temple were 100% valid and that, because of those covenants, God expected me to stay an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Unfortunately, as I received that revelation from God and the peace I had been seeking for, I didn't have all of my questions answered. I currently still have a lot of questions and a lot of uncertainty, although none of the uncertainty is towards my decision to keep my covenants and choose celibacy/loneliness/always standing apart from the Church AND the LGBT community.

What I've learned the past 5 years is the importance of not expecting or trying to force others to make the same decisions I've made. I've learned the importance of not judging other people's choices, just because they are different from what I believe. I've learned the importance of not enforcing my personal revelation on others. For example: I believe that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true. I believe, through my own efforts to seek answers and revelation from the Lord, that God expects me to not pursue anything romantic with another woman. Let me emphasize one word from that last sentence: me. I received an answer that pertains to me, and me only. God expects me. 

Now, you may ask, "But, Beth, wouldn't God expect the same thing from all of His children??" Well, yes and no. God expects us to love Him. He expects us to keep His commandments. But, He also expects us to keep the commandments according to our ability. And that looks different for each person.

God expects us to keep the Sabbath day holy, right? Some people, after turning to the Lord for revelation, feel like that means it is important for them to not work on Sunday. Thus, due to the revelation given to them, they should do their best to uphold that expectation. Me? I work most Sundays. About 50% of the time, that means I don't get to go to church. Do I feel like that means I am not keeping the Sabbath day holy? No, based on my interactions with the Lord. Now, the person who received their personal revelation that they shouldn't work on the Sabbath may try to enforce that onto me, but they would be wrong in doing so. They my judge me, look down on me, scoff at me for being so unrighteous. but ultimately, my decisions are between me and God.

Now, obviously, this does translate into something a little bit differently when we consider the law of chastity and homosexuality. But, let me tell you what my journey has taught me: God expects me to love everyone and accept everyone as they are. "Hate the sin, love the sinner." Ick. I hate the quote. I love the intention behind it, but I hate what we've turned it into. Because, here's the thing: we all are sinners. And a sin is a sin is a sin. We have no right to look at somebody's sin and look down on them for it, when we, ourselves, are sinning. We've turned that phrase into an excuse to separating sins into minor and major. But, buddy, sin is sin! We have no right to do that! So, really what we should be saying is, "Hate sin. Love people." "Hate wickedness, love people." Or just, you know, "Love God and love everyone" because, you know, those are the two greatest commandments, according to the Savior, so they should be the basis of our decisions.

If someone behaves different that you - whether they're gay, drink alcohol, gamble, swear, whatever - just love them. Sometimes we do have to be particular about who we let into our lives, but that decision shouldn't be based on whether they're gay, drink alcohol, or any of that: it's based on if they bring light into your life. I know plenty of people who drink who bring light into my life. I know gay people who bring light into my life. I know people who have left the church who bring light into my life.

The whole reason for writing about this is the Honor Code fiasco with BYU. Because you know the vibe that I'm getting from BYU? They're scared of offending people, so they just made everyone mad. With their deliberate word change, how could they not assume that students would assume that they would be free to date people of the same gender, as long as they didn't have sex? I actually was thrilled at the change, excited that BYU was being inclusive, because, yes, it is a church school, but, seriously, what's the harm in holding hands and kissing? "But then they MIGHT HAVE SEX!!" Well...yeah...the same risk is there for straight couples. I guarantee plenty of them aren't keeping the law of chastity/the honor code. "But we can't show that we condone homosexuality!" Bruh. Everyone gets it, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints doesn't condone homosexuality and teaches that God defines marriage as a union between a man and a women.

Allowing gays to freaking hold hands isn't changing doctrine. You know what it DOES do? It allows people to not be afraid. It allows people to not go 4+ years with crushing loneliness because you literally CAN'T be with anybody you are attracted to. Imagine not being able to be held when you're upset, not having a person to go to, and watching everyone around get into relationships and just slowly leave you behind. Sure, just date someone of the opposite gender, there's people who do it and seem happy - but, honestly, not everyone is gonna be happy with that. To me, that sounds not ideal. I'd say repulsive but will dudes find that offensive?

By changing the words of the Honor Code, to simply say that sexual relations were not ok, the LGBT community found hope. They were excited at being included and accepted. They understood it was not a change in doctrine of a church, but in policy of a freaking university. Like, do people understand BYU is NOT the church? Because sometimes I think people forget.

And now, BYU is backpedaling hardcore, because all of a sudden the gays were out, and members of the church were furious. But...why? Why do people need to get so angry at people just...living? Me personally, I'd like to think that, if BYU is the Lord's university (a phrase I actually hate a lot, but, you know, whatever) I think He'd be thrilled that people of any identity were happy, felt accepted, and not judged.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is...I believe God expects us to love His children and to accept them as they are. Obviously, we make invitations to come closer to Christ, but that is going to look different for each person. I'm really saddened by people's reactions to the policy change, and I'm disappointed that BYU administrators have chosen fear and protecting an image over acceptance and love. But, my job is simply to keep loving. I will continue to keep living the way I feel God wants me to live, while not holding others to my personal standards. Beth Root's standards are not everyone's standards, and that honestly is perfectly ok. I actually think that's the way it's supposed to be. God's path for me looks very different than God's path for everyone else. So, I just love.

Sharpening

Don't worry, guys, I'm alive! I know it's been awhile, but I think it's because it's taken several months for the lesson the Lord's been teaching me to sink in. Since my last post, where I talked about going to my friend's sealing, I've been thinking a lot about the importance of friends and their place in my life. If anyone has heard me talk about the importance of friendship in my life, you've probably heard me use Proverbs 27:17:

Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.

For the past while, I have had a hard time not isolating myself. Part of it was because finding a social scene after graduating and then getting a new job with an inconvenient schedule was really hard. Part of it was because I started having a hard time with things. Part of it was personal insecurities, worries, and fears. As I started getting out of my funk, I recognized that I was isolating myself and would make occasional attempts to reach out to friends, as well as had friends reach out to me. But, I wasn't very consistent at it, and I became very comfortable sitting in my room, by myself, watching Netflix for hours on end.

It wasn't until a few months ago that the Spirit very strongly indicated to me that this was not good enough for the Lord. How in the world was I supposed to make a difference in the world if all I do outside of work is sit on my butt watching Netflix, by myself? I missed doing things for others - service in any form has always been incredibly important to me and has brought me a lot of happiness - but it was nearly impossible for people to recognize that I was available to help them or for me to know what I could do to help others if no one ever saw me. Essentially what the Spirit told me was, "You can't be a disciple of Jesus Christ if you sit in your room by yourself all day."

So, I told myself that I needed to start being social again and start reaching out to my friends again. The only issue was...I didn't really know how to go about that. I am really uncomfortable in settings where there are large groups of people and I don't know very many people, so going out to activities is really difficult for me without a person by my side. My work schedule usually means I'm home when everyone else is in school or at work, so trying to plan things with my friends can be difficult. I also have this weird complex where I'm insecure in my friendships, so I am constantly worrying if I'm being annoying by always wanting/asking to spend time with people and don't want to cross boundaries, and really I just overthink literally everything. So I just kinda tapped out and only put forth a half-hearted effort.

I was always thinking about it, though, and trying to figure out how the flip to act on that prompting. Then, I had a friend who had come home from her mission move back up to Rexburg. I was pretty stoked about this and I made plans to meet up with her. I met her roommates, who were super friendly and weirdly invested in me (to me, it was weird, because that's not how I react when I first meet someone because strangers make me nervous and if I appear otherwise, it is because I have gotten good at pretending like it's not a thing) and then, all of a sudden, I was friends with the whole apartment. And, all of a sudden, I was over there on my days off. And, all of a sudden, even when I wasn't at their apartment, I still wasn't in my room watching Netflix but doing somewhat productive things. I was going to the temple with more frequency. I was making plans with other friends. 

But, more than that, I felt like I was slowly remembering how to be myself again. The past year and a half caused a lot of change in me, and not all of it was in the right direction - though, not all of it was bad and some of it was necessary. My job requires me to be skeptical and cautious. I can't be ready to trust or be soft-hearted, or I'll be easily manipulated and unable to face the sometimes ugly realities and truths. This then permeated my every day interactions, and I became cynical, closed off, and a bit prickly (I mean, I've always been prickly, so, like, more so). My struggles led me to have some unhealthy habits and coping mechanisms which meant I was not as ready to smile as I used to be and I had some darkness to shed. I also became even more dedicated (and stubborn) in my faith, which obviously is good, but I also allowed the stubbornness to affect the way I shared some of my views and opinions - and that way being very loud and maybe more aggressive than assertive.

As I started spending time with friends, especially the apartment of sudden and new friends, I saw so clearly the rough, harder, and darker parts of me start to change to smoother, gentler, and lighter parts. I felt like a weight was lifted. I was happier. I laughed more. I was thinking outside of myself. I felt like me. And it happened so quickly! It was almost like the Lord became so exasperated by my awkward and rare attempts at being social that he handed me these individuals and was like, "Here you go! Now get back to being you and doing the good things you used to do and being with the people you love!" 

So, I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I have been blessed with people who sharpen my countenance - who bring me closer to my best self and to the person I want to be. I've always believed God has deliberately placed people in my path and He has always placed quality people. I'm incredibly grateful for those friends I've had the past 26 years, because I really wouldn't be the person I am today. The friends who have loved me, called me out on my crap, been patient with me, taught me, put up with me when I was not the easiest person to be with, who have brought light into myself, and who have helped me become who I am now. 

I also want to reiterate the importance of solid friends. They don't have to believe the same thing, like the same things, live in the same state, or be in the same position/stage in life as you to be a good friend. Without those special individuals, there is no way we can become all that we can or do all that is possible for us to accomplish. And there is no way we can be our happiest. And our friends cannot do the same without us. 

Thank you to all who have sharpened my countenance. Because of you, I am currently the happiest I have been in awhile. It feels good to no longer be in my room by myself.

Weddings and stuff

Weddings are interesting for me to experience. I love celebrating people that I love making commitments  to another person, knowing that they have the capacity to make each other so happy. Getting to go to sealings is even better, because those commitments turn into covenants, and those covenants are essential for exaltation. I love getting to witness those moments. I love being able to support the people that I love as they make those commitments and covenants.

But, it also reminds me that, unless something drastic happens and the Lord sends me a miracle in the form of one special man (which, the realist in me will remind me and everyone else who tells me it's possible  that while of course it isn't impossible, it's highly unlikely. Like, probs not gonna happen), I don't get to experience that commitment, that relationship, that support.  Of course, there are downsides and upsides to being single, but that's not the point of this post.

The point is, marriage is pretty cool. Eternal marriage is even cooler. I totally support it. I had the opportunity to go to a good friend's wedding this weekend - and by wedding, I mean ALL THE THINGS. Wedding ceremony, luncheon, sealing, reception - even a bachelorette party the night before. It was exhausting, mostly because I was constantly surrounded by people I didn't know, except for, like 5 people, and we all know how much I hate situations like that. But it also was totally and completely worth it. For a couple of reasons.

One, because I love getting to go to sealings. Because the temple is the best. Also covenants. And getting to see my friend get sealed to a man who she has dated for a LONG time, and to someone I've had the chance to get to know a bit, so I know he will be a stellar husband, it made me so happy! Because THEY were happy! And their families were happy! Everyone was happy! People say Disneyland is the happiest place on earth, but I feel like the most correct statement is that sealing rooms are the happiest places on earth. And I got to be there, which made me happy.

Two, I don't get to go to every wedding I'd like to go to. Some are several states away. Some happened when I couldn't get away from my responsibilities. Some happened when I was in a selfish period, so it would have been a chore getting me to do anything that inconvenienced me. So, with the wedding being only 4 1/2 hours away, knowing about it like 10 months in advance, and having a job where I get vacation time and having plenty of time to arrange to have it off, nothing was going to stop me from being there. I've missed weddings that I now wish I hadn't, and I wasn't going to make that mistake again.

Three, I needed my friend to know how much I support her and care about her. Like, that's a big deal for me. The past few of years have involved people supporting me and helping me when, some of the time, I felt a bit like a crazy person. And, especially lately, I haven't  had much of the chance to give back. So, even if I didn't get to interact with her a whole lot this weekend, I was there, and she knew I was there because she is important to me.

Four, the eternal perspective. In my Sunday School lesson today, I talked a bit about the parable of the Ten Virgins. With the whole wedding thing, it happened to stick out to me while I was preparing the lesson. The idea of being like those 5 foolish virgins and having the bridegroom say "I know you not" (or, if you look in the JST footnote, it says "ye know me not." But only in the newer edition, not the old one. Which I discovered in the middle of my lesson, while I was looking at my set which I got when I graduated high school, whereas I typically do my personal study with just a New Testament, which I recently got, so guess what, footnotes are different. Almost started hardcore panicking in my lesson because I thought I had a weird dream where I dreamed reading the JST and that it never happened in reality. Anyway, I digress...), the idea of hearing those words from my friend's mouth ripped my heart apart. The idea of someone whose friendship I cherish, who I look up to and who has been a strength to me in difficult times just being like, "You don't know me." Imagining it sounds like a literal nightmare. Thinking about it in that literal context was eye opening. If I do not properly prepare, there will come the time when I will come face to face with my Savior, and I will beg to be let in, to celebrate, to share in everyone's joy, and He will say, "You do not know me." The man who has carried me. The man who forgives me when I'm a dingus and can't seem to keep it together. The man who I love so much. I NEVER want that experience. And this weekend, getting to see my friend in the temple just reminded me of the eternal perspective. If I was willing to do what it takes to make it to her wedding, the Bridegroom's celebrations are infinitely more important for me to prepare for.

Life is hard. Like, really hard, sometimes. But if we make the hard decisions now, prepare now, choose the right now, that nightmare will never come true. Yeah, weddings remind me that I'm alone. But they also remind me of eternity and of God's plan. God doesn't intend for me to be alone. Besides, a big of singledom and a little loneliness is TOTALLY worth it, if it means I get to be welcomed by the Bridegroom. As long as I know Him and He knows me, I think everything will be worth it.

So, moral of the story is, I'm actually a giant sap who is a hopeless romantic and I love weddings. But just don't expect me to admit it in public. Or to ever truly enjoy the majority of chick flicks.

Also, the Gospel, in my opinion, is always worth it.

Peace

This is a blog post I have been thinking a lot about, and I still haven't decided exactly how I want it written. Partially because it's so vastly different from my last blog post. But, I think what I'm going to do is tell two different stories. Beth Ann Root was two very different people in both of these stories, but despite those differences, she came to the same conclusion.

One of the most pivotal moments on my mission happened when I was out knocking doors. My companion and I came across a man who was very kind, but very stubborn in his insistence that he would never read the Book of Mormon. His reason why was because he said that Joseph Smith was a false prophet. He went on to say that Joseph had made prophecies that didn't come to pass, so he was a false prophet. He explained that he tried to seek answers, and he never was able to find any. He wasn't able to give us any specifics, so my companion and I couldn't answer his questions, either. He was genuinely concerned for us, because of our commitment to the Gospel. He was very kind about it all.

I remember at one moment, very clearly thinking that I had a choice: to rely on the witnesses I had received from the Holy Ghost and hold fast in my testimony or to let his statements bother me and to allow them to cause me to start doubting in my testimony. So, what I did was take out my Book of Mormon and talk about faith. I explained to him that I had experiences where the Spirit told me that the Book of Mormon was true. I explained that I had received answers to questions and found peace and happiness in difficult times through the Book of Mormon, so I believed it to be true. I then explained that if the Book of Mormon is true, then Joseph Smith, who was the one who brought forth the Book of Mormon, translating it by the power of God, had to be a true prophet. A false prophet could not bring about a book that was so good and that was completely and totally from God. And, if the book was true and if Joseph Smith was a true prophet, then the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was the true church, organized by God. And that was it for me. I wasn't shaken by a little opposition. I was able to recognize that I wasn't going to have all the answers, that I didn't know every little thing about Joseph Smith or the history of the church, or even about the church in general. But, I knew my testimony. I knew the experiences that I had had, and I couldn't deny those experiences. So, I simply held fast, and found confidence and solidity in my testimony.

Fast forward a few years to this past General Conference. I wasn't exactly in a super stellar place. I had a lot of darkness and bitterness in my heart, because, you know what, being gay and an active member of the church is hard crap. I was getting more angry at people and less understanding. I was being overcome with so much negativity and darkness, and I knew it was impacting me. I was trying to have good and regular scripture studies and attend the temple regularly, but, for some reason, it just wasn't cutting it. I was getting desperate for relief, so I went to Heavenly Father for what felt like the umpteenth and asked for answers during General Conference. I needed something. When President Nelson spoke to the women of the church, I knew Heavenly Father was giving me my answer. Among the things I needed to do was read the entire Book of Mormon before the year ended. I had just gotten past the Isaiah chapters, but I started over and started my earnest and desperate study. This was it for me. This was my test before the Lord. If He did not deliver me from the darkness and bitterness by me doing this, I was unsure if I was ever going to be able to get rid of it. I was about halfway through the Book of Mormon, when I noticed that a lot of the anger and bitterness I had been feeling had disappeared. I was less enraged about things, I was more pleasant to be around, and I didn't go around raging quite as much about stupid things people say/do or the false doctrine that I heard being taught. But...the bitterness and darkness was instead replaced with something else: confusion.

Why were people who, after seeking God's counsel and who were trying to do all that they were supposed to say that they felt like leaving the church was they should do? Was God telling some to leave, while He was telling some to go? Even gays! Some were forsaking their partners, even spouses, to be baptized  - or rebaptized - in the church, but then some were deciding to leave their heterosexual marriages and pursue a partner, in order to have that complete satisfaction and happiness. I was shook. I was confused. I didn't get it. I felt like no matter what option I took, I was going to have some sort of misery in my life. I honestly didn't see a way out. I thought about what it would mean to be with a woman and the impact that would have on my life. I thought about staying active in the church, single and celibate for the rest of my life. I thought about staying active in the church and trying to find a husband (I actually downloaded Mutual - for the second time - and then less than 24 hours later deleted it, because out of all of the options that one felt like the most nope-ish. Liking someone's personality doesn't mean compatible for marital happiness). I literally didn't know what to do, and nothing made sense. I talked to people, seeking their understanding, their testimonies, their experiences.

And, I kept reading the Book of Mormon. As I got closer and closer to the end, I don't think any of my questions were ever resolved. But, peace started entering my heart, and the conflict and the wrestle that I was having dissipated. When I finished the Book of Mormon, I made a decision: I was choosing to stay. Why? Because the Book of Mormon brought me peace when literally nothing else out in the world could. By following the guidance of a prophet, My burden was not taken away, but it became possible for me to carry without feeling like I couldn't move. I felt relief. So, I chose to rely on the experiences I have had, and instead of letting the doubts and the confusion fester, I'm choosing to trust, just like I did when I spoke to that man while I was on my mission.

Faith does not mean you do not have questions. Faith does not mean you don't have doubts. Faith does not mean you understand everything. Faith simply means you decide to trust what you belief, and act accordingly. As you do so, you gain more understanding. I've decided to nourish what I believe, rather than what I'm confused about. That doesn't mean I'm not seeking answers - because I am. But, not as frantically or with as much panic.

Why do some people feel that God is telling them to walk away from something that I believe to be God's church, His work and glory? I don't know. But that's probably between them and God. I mean, it is His work, not mine. I don't want people privy to every single wrestle and conversation I have with Him, so why should I feel privileged to the same thing with others. Do I believe those people are wrong to say God has led them away from the church? I don't think I have a right to have an opinion on whether that is right or wrong. My journey is not their journey. God is understanding of all things and all circumstances, and He will work things out in the way that He feels is best. Do I believe that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is God's Kingdom, complete with necessary doctrines, covenants, and ordinances? Absolutely.

Would it be easier for me to walk away from all of this and just live my gay, happy life (see what I did there?). Possibly. But, God, through His undeniable peace, had told me I am where I need to be for the most about of happiness. And, as I have made the decision to stay, and made the choice without bitterness or frustration or without the hope that it could be a different way, I have found what I've been searching months for: peace.

And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship...and they awake him and say unto him, "Master, carest thou not that we perish? And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, there was a great calm."  Mark 4:37-39