Effort and Grace

 Fun fact: This post was going to be very different, but as I was writing the original and going off about "We need to be precise when talking about the Gospel so that pure doctrine is always being taught!" I realized that what I was planning on saying had A LOT of Beth thoughts that might be rooted in doctrine, but also just might be my personal beliefs. So, I decided to check myself, both through study and through asking what other people think. 

What spurred the desire for this blogpost began a couple weeks ago in my ward's fast and testimony meeting. There were three people who went up and began to discuss how they wanted to be worthy to live with God again, so they try so hard to keep the commandments and do what they are supposed to. Very little of what they said even referenced the Savior. This immediately bothered me, not because I don't believe in effort, but because of my feelings about grace and the Atonement of Jesus Christ. So, I asked myself the question, "Does keeping the commandments make me worthy, or does the Atonement of Jesus Christ make me worthy?"

Let me share two different experiences I've had that make this question so significant to me.

The first happened when I was a missionary. I was knocking doors in my last area - so, it was towards the last third of my mission. I can't remember which companion I had at the time, so I'm not exactly sure of the time frame. It was late enough in my mission that I was fairly confident in my ability to answer any question and defend it doctrinally. Also, I've always been fairly pompous and prideful so I pretty much always figured I had the answer (pretty much still true). While knocking doors, an older gentleman answered and spoke with us briefly. Like a lot of Christians not of our faith, he believed all that all you needed to do was accept Christ into your heart and you would be saved. So, he asked me a question. He asked, something to the effect of, "When you meet God and are judged, what are you going to say to Him?" My response, confidently was, "I tried my best." This man's reply back to me silenced me and I've never forgotten it. He said - again, something to the effect of - "That's not it. You should be falling to your knees, thanking Him for everything, because nothing you do gets you anywhere." I don't even know if I said anything back to him, because I was so dumbfounded. 

The next experience I want to share happened fairly recently at a book club. I honestly can't remember what we were talking about or how it came up, but one of the ladies said something about not being confident about living with God again, and I, mostly light-hearted and not intending to get into a Gospel discussion, said, "What, you're not sure?" And she said, "Well, you're never really sure. We try our best, but who knows what the outcome will be?" I left it at that, but I was really bothered but her uncertainty.

Now, let me point out what these experiences have in common: an emphasis on works, without putting those works in the context of God's grace. 

Let me explain why this bothers me so much: because I fail. ALL. THE. TIME. There are sins that I legitimately enjoy. Like, objectively, I don't like them, I don't want to do them, but they make me feel good, so, like, in the moment, I'm having a good time. I also am a brat, am impulsive, and have a temper, so I often say and do things that I know I shouldn't. I get complacent easily because I always am looking for the easy way out. So, despite my best efforts to keep the commandments and to stay true to the covenants I have made with my Heavenly Parents, I fall short. Constantly. No matter how hard I try, I'll never reach the standard that is required for exaltation. 

But.

There is the Atonement of Jesus Christ. By choosing to turn to the Savior and access the grace that He provides, I can achieve that standard. True, this is going to require work to accomplish, but it is not that work that saves me. It is my Savior.

Colin B. Douglas put it beautifully in an article he wrote for the Ensign entitled "What I've Learned about Grace Since Coming Down the Sycamore Tree." (Shout out to Sara Calton for sharing it with me, it was an AMAZING read!) Douglas uses the metaphor of Christ being a Physician. He said, "I feel myself to be somewhat like a man who has been sick with a deadly disease. But the Physician can come to such a man and assure him that, if he will remain under the Physician’s care, he will be cured. (See Matt. 9:10–13.) The treatment may be painful at times, and it will require the patient to go and do many things—which the Physician himself, through His grace, will help and empower the patient to do. (See Philip. 4:13 and Alma 26:12.) The time may be far hence when the patient finally will be pronounced whole and fit to come into the Physician’s own home and dwell with him. But if the patient continues to submit to those ministrations, that time will come."

I want to emphasize a particular line here: the Physician himself, through His grace, will help and empower the patient. Yes, we have things that we are required to do. But we are not meant to do them alone. In fact, if we attempt to keep the commandments on our own, we will fail. Our efforts to keep the commandments will not save us - unless we do it with the Savior. Ultimately, we need His grace, not only to repent, but to even begin to be successful at keeping the commandments. 

So, I guess what I'm trying to say, in response to those testimonies shared, to my own naive response to that gentleman, and to that woman in my book club, your own effort, alone, is always going to fall short. It's not going to be what saves you. God's grace will do that. And you can feel confident in your eternal future if you are merely trying and turning toward the Savior. 

The effort that really saves us is the effort to call upon grace and use it in our lives (again, shout out to Sara for that beautiful nugget). 

So, to answer my question "Does keeping the commandments make me worthy, or does the Atonement of Jesus Christ make me worthy?" It's the Atonement of Jesus Christ. It will always be Christ. My own efforts are useless without him, and although what I do is important, I should never talk about my own efforts without acknowledging Him and what He does for me to even make my efforts possible. 

Relief

 Today in church, someone mentioned how the Atonement of Jesus Christ can give us relief. That word relief stuck out to me, and I spent some time thinking about that relief.

I'm the kind of person who is constantly seeking for what is comfortable and what feels good. If I'm feeling anything uncomfortable, I do what I can remove either myself from what is making me uncomfortable or remove the thing that is making me feel uncomfortable. If I am tired, literally all I want to is sleep. If I'm hungry, if it is in my power, I will eat right away. When I am really struggling with my anxiety, I try to avoid pretty much anything that might make it worse and do whatever I can to numb my brain to get it to stop thinking - like, it's a really good thing I don't drink alcohol, because ooooh boy, would I be drinking A LOT! I look for easy outs in most situations - like, at church, I will typically sit on the end of the pew so I literally have an easy way out of the chapel and the clumps of people that form. If something tastes good, smells good, or makes me feel good in any way shape or form, I will seek it out. Sometimes obsessively. (I will eat pizza for every meal if given the opportunity because it tastes so good.)

Essentially, I am constantly looking for relief. I'm looking for whatever will temporarily make whatever I'm experiencing better and lighter. I aim for what is easy and what is comfortable.

There is better relief, though. Sometimes, to experience lasting relief and meaningful relief, there is work that needs to be done. Sometimes, to experience relief, we need to lean into whatever we are currently feeling. Earlier this week, I was having a very bad day, mental health-wise. Like, one of the worst days I've had in several months. My natural inclination was to crawl underneath my weighted blanket and scroll through social media until I felt like my brain would let me sleep. Instead, I felt a little prompting to reach out to a friend; maybe to most people, this doesn't sound like a big deal, but I don't generally reach out when I'm having bad days. I don't want to talk about things, because I know what once I do, the floodgates will open, and I don't know if I'm down for being that vulnerable. I don't want to be annoying or a burden or make anyone feel obligated to do anything. But, I decided to lean into the discomfort and reach out to my friend. Even after just a few minutes of being with her, I felt such incredible relief. Like, the minutes between me reaching out to her, waiting for a response, and then waiting for her to pick me up were excruciating, because my brain is ridiculous, but the relief I felt afterward was so much more than anything I would have experienced laying in my room by myself.

I have had very similar experiences after wrestling with difficult choices; I never wanted to move back to Arizona. Idaho was comfortable. I had good friends. I had an excellent job - with benefits! And even though it was a full-time job, I was still able to balance full-time school without much problem. When I started getting the prompting to start thinking about maybe moving back to Arizona, I was very uncomfortable. I didn't want to. Even after I made the decision and I was trying to figure out a job, trying to figure out where I should live, and trying to come to terms with upending my entire life, I was very uncomfortable. But, when I got my car - and my dad's truck - all packed up and started my drive down to Mesa, I felt relief. I mean, I'm still not necessarily super thrilled to be here, but I recognize that relief that I felt!

When I've had to repent and realign myself to God's teachings, I've been very uncomfortable. It is so much easier to just maintain or be content. It's easier to continue doing the thing you know you're not supposed to because it's familiar, it feels good, or convenient. Heck, sometimes even the thing you know you need to change feels safe. And to have to change that? SO uncomfortable! It seems like the exact opposite of relief! Until you lean into it, and you feel it. The relief of being renewed. Of feeling God's love. Of feeling your relationship with your Savior strengthened.

Often, the relief that is worth feeling and that is going to be lasting is going to require some work; it is likely going to require effort, discomfort, maybe some pain and suffering. But! That relief! The relief that comes from using the Atonement of Jesus Christ to repent and to feel reconciliation and forgiveness! The relief that comes from receiving God's grace to overcome a trial! The relief that comes from following a prompting! It is so much better than anything else that might provide relief.

Choosing to turn to the Savior and His Atonement for relief will always be superior to any easy way out I could possibly find.

Reconciliation

 In June 2002, President Nelson gave a talk during a seminar to new mission presidents about the Atonement. In it, he talks about the meaning of the Atonement, referencing how different languages describe the Atonement differently. He says, "Other languages may employ words that connote either expiation or reconciliation. Expiation means to atone for.' Reconciliation comes from Latin roots re, meaning 'again'; con, meaning 'with'; and sell, meaning 'seat.' Reconciliation, therefore literally means 'to sit again with.'"

When I read this, I couldn't stop thinking of the idea that the Atonement means that the Savior sits with us. And then I immediately thought of two experiences in which people sat with me, helping me feeling God's love and helping to lead me to use the power of the Atonement.

While I was wrestling with my relationship with the church and whether or not it was worth it to stay active, I had a lot of hurt in my heart. I was confused, bitter, frustrated, and even angry towards God. I was searching for answers and doing just about everything I could to find answers and find relief, but I couldn't seem to find it. I couldn't resolve my identity as a woman who was attracted to other women and my identity as a member of the church. I couldn't make sense of what my place was and what God truly expected of me. During this journey, I also took up a few unhealthy and less than ideal habits to try to ease the feelings I was dealing with. At one point, I was visiting a friend from my mission. While we were catching up, I was very candid with her. I spoke with her about some of the mistakes I made, the feelings I had, my confusion, and how I just couldn't seem to find relief. She listened and she sympathized. And when I said that, if I were to walk away from the church and choose to have a girlfriend, I would probably just disappear from the lives of my mission friends. In response, she told me that, unequivocally, was not allowed to disappear. She said that, even if I leave the church, she wanted to be a part of my life and meet whoever I dated, so that she could also be a part of her life.

In that moment, my friend sat with me. Truly sat with me. She accepted everything I was going through, saw everything that I was and struggling with, and sat with me. And, in that instance, I felt God's love. After that conversation with my friend, I began to stop feeling shame about my questions, confusion, and bitterness, because I felt acceptance from someone who was willing to sit with me. This, in turn, led me to Christ. I began to be able to feel more of his influence, and the hurts that I had been carrying started to heal, and I began to experience reconciliation. Because my friend sat with me, I was able to sit with Christ.

Last week, I had a lot of shame and frustration that I was carrying. I wanted to avoid the problems instead of facing them. Because of this, I really didn't want to go to church, because I was afraid that the place where I can go to feel peace and God's love would end up causing me hurt and bitterness. But, I went and I had another friend who sat with me. She created a space that was safe and comfortable so that the shame and frustration turned into healing and peace. My friend sat with me, which helped me to sit with Christ.

If the Atonement means that we sit again with Christ, then we have a very important role as disciples of Jesus Christ: to sit with people. We sit with others, no matter what state they are in, how repentant they are, or how they feel towards God, because as we sit with them, we are able to help point them to Christ. By sitting with people, we are able to help them sit with Christ again. 

I'm grateful for these two friends - and many others - who sat with me, because I was able to experience reconciliation. 

Amidst the Chaos

"We did not give up on love today." - Sara Bareilles

Last year - back when live concerts were still a thing - I went to a Sara Bareilles concert. It was an AMAZING experience. While there, I bought a hoodie, because I felt like it called out to me. One the sleeve is that quote from her song Orpheus. "We did not give up on love today." It resonated within me, but I couldn't really articulate why. Due to my circumstances, romantic love isn't really something I'm focusing on or searching for, so a line this normally wouldn't jive with me. Today, I realized why: because I want to fight for love. 

Last month, those of us who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints had the opportunity to listen to several men and women of God declare that we needed to strive for unity, compassion, and understanding with everyone. President Oaks, in particular, reminded us that Christ mandated that we need to love everyone. Guess what? That includes our enemies. In fact, Christ specifically said that. 

"Don't stop trying to find me here amidst the chaos. Though I know it's blinding there's a way out. Say out loud we will not give up on love now."

There's a lot of chaos going on in the world today. I feel torn apart. Voices from all sides calling out. And the loudest and most frequent ones are terrible. They are hateful, disparaging, intolerant, accusatory. They refuse to listen to others. You can't disagree with them without being called a tyrant, a bigot, uneducated, or worse. There is such a lack of love. In fact, I usually see, "Block them. Unfriend them." But...where is the love? Where is the compassion? Where is the understanding?

I have friends that voted for Trump. I don't believe in unfriending them or getting mad at them, because they voted for him. I don't believe it automatically makes them racist, homophobic, or transphobic. And...honestly? Even if they were...I probably would still be friends with them.

Let me explain: I used to be homophobic and transphobic. Because I didn't understand. But, I changed. Why? Because of my experiences, exposure, and just, you know, life in general changing me. (Realizing I'm gay certainly helped move things along, but I think I would have gotten there eventually.) I'm grateful that my friends didn't leave me, because my lack of knowledge and understanding caused me to have ignorant attitudes. I used to be a bit insensitive and, honestly, I probably was a bit racist. Even now, I actively work to not say insensitive things and try to correct any racist attitudes I might have. Ibram K. Kendi discusses that the opposite of racist is anti-racist rather than simply "not being racist." In fact, "not being racist" isn't really a thing. As he explains it, you can either be one or the other. You're either racist or you're actively fighting against racism. That means even if you are not actively saying things or actively practicing racist attitudes, if you're not speaking out when you witness racism or striving to help make positive changes, you are, by sins of omission, being racist. This means that there have been times - probably many times - where I have been racist. Like I said, it is something I try to be very conscious of. I'm very grateful for the friends that I still have, despite the fact that I am not perfectly anti-racist. 

The moral of the story is, people are not completely good or completely bad. You probably have racist friends who are actually incredible people. They just need to have their eyes opened, they need a little bit more experience, a little bit more understanding. You probably have some amazing friends who are a little homophobic or transphobic. Again, they just need to have their eyes opened, have a little more experience, and a little bit more understanding. 

Now, obviously, you need to set appropriate boundaries for yourself. If you feel unsafe - physically, mentally, or emotionally - definitely remove yourself from those people making you feel that way. But, remember...people are not black and white (in the metaphorical sense). Give room for people to be gray.

I have friends that voted for Biden. They are not all uneducated, duped by the media, baby killing socialists. 

My whole point is...we all deserve way more love. Even your enemies, and I really feel like we are treating the different political parties as enemies. Which I hate. I don't agree with it. It's so divisive. BUT. If that is how you see things...how about you love them anyway? We are supposed to love our enemies.

While this song is intended to be a romantic love song, I feel this is very appropriate for right now. Please, try to find one another amidst this terrible chaos. Don't give up on love. Don't let elections, politics, different ideologies, get in the way of your love. 

"We'll say we did not give up on love today."

To every thing there is a season

When I was approaching graduation, I was trying to figure out what I was going to do. I knew I didn't want to move back to Arizona, even though that was the most logical decision. I hate the heat. I was afraid of losing all of the progression I've made in discovering who I am and learning about to assert myself, by going straight back to my family, where I often feel like I'm treated like a kid sister who is 15, rather than someone who has lived on their own for the majority of her life since graduating high school. Also, I hate the heat.

So, I started looking at options for staying in Rexburg. I discovered a job at the Juvenile Corrections Center in St. Anthony, a small town just 20 minutes from Rexburg. It sounded perfect for what I wanted to do. I wanted to work with at-risk youth, and juvenile delinquents are pretty much as at-risk as you can get. The pay was way better than anything I had made as a student, it offered benefits - which, like, I understand most full-time jobs offer, but your homegirl just went 7 years without health insurance, so literally any health benefits sounded like a million dollars - and it didn't sound like a place where kids were just locked up in a cell all day.

So, I started making plans. I quickly found a place to live. I started applying for jobs like crazy - obviously the one in St. Anthony being the first one I applied for - and, went to the Lord. I prayed so flipping hard. I wanted to do what He needed me to do. I wanted to be where He needed me to be. But...I also wanted to stay in Idaho and work at the JCC. So, I asked if this would fit into His plans.

Sometimes, the Lord is patient with us. Sometimes, He gives us what we ask for, simply because we want it. I got the job. I felt God's love for me profoundly during that time. I felt, so strongly, that the only reason why I was hired was because I wanted it.

I've worked there for two years. It definitely isn't an easy job. Some nights, I would cry on the drive home, just because it was such a rough time. Some nights, I would drive home with my heart bursting, because I felt so much love for those kids. Some nights, I would drive home, angry at parents for not protecting their kids.

Tonight, I cried on my drive home, because I said goodbye to it. I cried over saying goodbye to kids who have sworn at me and disrespected me. But I also cried over saying goodbye to those same kids who have come to trust me and see me as someone who was always in their corner. I cried over saying goodbye to coworkers who have helped me, listened to me, shared their food with me, shown me compassion, supported me, and cared about me. I cried because the last time I felt this way about a group of people I had my missionary nametag on. The feeling I had walking to my car was very similar to the feeling I had getting on that plane to leave Washington. I was so excited to see my family again, but if God had asked me to, I would have run off that plane in an instant to continue the work. Ever since making the decision to move back to Arizona, I have been looking for ANY sign to keep me here. I'm still looking for some reason to call my boss and tell him I was going to come into work tomorrow.

In all honesty, I had been fighting the prompting to move back to Arizona for a long time. I was talking to one of my coworkers about some stuff going on in my family. I mentioned that I hated not being there for all of it. She asked me if I ever thought about moving back. I just kind of scoffed and was like, "ABSOLUTELY NOT." I've become a very different person than the Beth Root that used to live in Arizona. Especially in the past two years. The Beth Root that lived in Arizona would honestly be appalled at who I am now. I was afraid of losing who I've become, because even though I have some scars and I'm definitely way more rough around the edges, I also am much more compassionate, confident, understanding, and much less judgemental. I love who I have become. Who I am seemed incompatible with Arizona.

But, ever since that conversation, the thought of moving back to Arizona wouldn't leave me. It was constantly in the back of my mind. (I don't know if you read my blogs, but if you do, I'm definitely blaming you, Kjerstin, for being the one to put the thought in my head. You only have yourself to blame for me leaving.)

A few months ago, I finally couldn't ignore it. So I went to the Lord. And...He said Arizona.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 (a cursed verse for many a missionary) says:

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.

The thought that I keep having is that God gave me these two years because I asked for them and because there was no reason to tell me no. I was going to be doing good work, and the work that was going to be done on me was going to be way more refining than anything else I had experienced. But, He always intended for me to end up back in Arizona, at least for a time.

My time in Idaho is up. Even though I have begged Him to tell me to stay. He gave me two extra years - which have been the best two years of my time in Idaho. Ugly, hard, heart-wrenching, lonely, and eye-opening. But, by far, the best.

It makes me sad that my JCC St. Anthony season is over, but it was, in all reality, a gift from God. We'll see what my Arizona season brings me (other than sunburns and heat stroke).

Pride

As I've gotten older, I have definitely changed some of my ideas and perspectives - which, I think, is as it should be. We should always be changing, growing, evolving. That should include our beliefs and how we view the world. I will admit, one of the things that has helped me the most to make some of these changes was coming to terms with the fact that I am gay. The journey I have gone on has caused some major shifts in me. It hasn't changed my testimony or my faith, but it has changed the way I view and interact with people who are different than me.

June is Pride month. A month where the LGBTQ+ community celebrates and is celebrated. This year has produced an interesting Pride month. With protests against racism and police brutality and advocacy for a change in the police force, Pride month has become about defending everyone's rights, not just the rights of one community.

I've been thinking a lot about humanity. As you probably know, I work at a juvenile corrections center. I work with kids who could be given the label of criminals. Something that gets me fired up is when these kids talk about how they're treated in other facilities. Are they likely to be exaggerating? I mean, yeah, probably. But, the fact that many of them express appreciation for how we treat them, the food we give them, the fact that their blankets aren't super thin and that they are allowed more than one of them indicates to me that, sometimes, these kids aren't treated as they should. And that just doesn't seem right to me.

Who are we, as humans, to treat anyone without human decency? I mean, you're allowed to be angry with someone, set boundaries, be firm, even decide to not interact with someone. But, all of that is different than treating someone as if they are not human. Unfortunately, humans have a tendency to dehumanize anyone who is different from them - looks different, believes differently, or acts differently. I mean, I understand, in the case of those who commit crimes, sometimes it is necessary for justice to be met. But that can be done without dehumanizing someone.

Four years ago today, there was a mass shooting at Pulse, a gay nightclub. Today, on the anniversary of this tragedy, a regulation was finalized that removes the protection previously given to transgenders to ensure they could not be discriminated against by doctors, hospitals, and insurance companies. By limiting the definition of sex discrimination, transgender people can now be refused care.

At the beginning of the month, a brief was submitted to the Supreme Court that suggested that adoption agencies could, on the basis of religion, refuse to let gay couples adopt.

Within the past couple of days, two black transgender women were murdered. According to the information presently had, they make the 13th and 14th transgender - or non gender conforming - individuals murdered this year. And it's possible more have happened but are just unreported. These murders have happened with more frequency in recent years, and people of color are disproportionately targeted.

Now, I've always tried to stay out of politics as much as possible. I know that I am woefully uninformed. But, something that I am not uninformed on is respecting someone, as a human. You don't have to like them. You don't have to agree with them. Heck, you can hate them, for all I care. But, dehumanizing someone is never appropriate.

I am honestly baffled by the things I've written - allowing discrimination because of differences and murdering simply because someone has decided that they are not who society told them they were. Like, if somebody decided to change their gender, does that make them less human? Bruh, the fact that I even have to pose that question is just so dumbfounding to me.

It also enrages me. It enrages me to know that people are willing to deny people their rights - even at the corrections facility, the juveniles have the right to be treated by a nurse or doctor if they need it! And their rights are limited! It enrages me that people think that discrimination is ok. It enrages me that people just passively let it happen. It enrages me that I wasn't always enraged.

Are you enraged? If you aren't, why not?

There is a lot going on in the world. Protests, riots, a flipping pandemic, people fighting for change - both good and bad. There is a lot of conflict and a lot of disagreements. Honestly, that doesn't bother me. What bothers me is when that conflict and those disagreements turn into something ugly. When it turns into something where both sides have stopped listening.

Honestly, I'm overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed by all the feelings. I'm overwhelmed that there was so much I was unaware of. I'm overwhelmed by how badly I want to do something, but I don't know what to do or how to be informed - accurately.

I'm tired, too. I'm tired of this fight against hate, racism, cruelty, and aggression.

But, I'm also proud. I'm proud of the people who are stepping up and speaking up. I'm proud of the fact that they are pushing for change and not backing down. And, I'm proud of myself - of who I am, who I've become, and what I'm trying to accomplish. It's a great time to celebrate Pride.




And because the student inside of me was SCREAMING, here are the websites I got a lot of my information on. (I know that there is so much more to be read on these topics.)
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/dominique-fells-riah-milton-transphobia-new-calls/

https://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/adoption-agency-should-be-able-reject-gay-couples-trump-administration-n1224911

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/12/us/politics/trump-transgender-rights.html

Real Talk 2.0

"Just because needs are righteous, that doesn't mean they're being met in righteous ways." - Laurie Campbell in Reborn that Way

Everyone has the same basic needs (cue discussion on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs). We also have needs specific to us. For example, some people need social interaction more than others. Some people need to be touched more than others. Some people need validation. Some people need time to themselves. The list goes on and on. Sometimes, when we feel like our needs aren't being met, we try to fulfill them in unhealthy ways.

I have some needs that aren't met. And, today, when I read the above quote, I realized I was trying to meet them in unhealthy, unfulfilling ways. One of the biggest ways: I try to escape. Books, movies, shows, games, social media, etc. If I'm not doing school and I'm not at work, I'm doing SOMETHING to avoid any space that gives room for that unmet need.

Tonight, I realized that, unfortunately, as I make these efforts to escape and to numb, I have stopped giving myself room to think and to ponder. I've stopped giving myself time with the Lord. Because quiet moments mean I have to face uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. But, by escaping, I've taken away opportunities for growth, vulnerability, and learning.

That exchange kind of sucks.

So, tonight, I decided to be a little bit honest and vulnerable, in an effort to give myself space to think. To allow myself to feel uncomfortable without reaching for something to escape. So, here is some of my uncomfortable thoughts:

• I'm afraid I'll fall in love with a woman and that she also will fall in love with me. I'm afraid because, although I can deal with my feelings if I like a woman and it's not reciprocated, I don't know if I can stick with my commitment to keep my temple covenants if she also likes me. 
• I sometimes feel like a bit of a loner at church. And I worry that once I age out of a YSA ward and go to a family ward that I won't be able to form close bonds with anyone, because I'll just be that single lady. I worry I won't be able to make any close friends in a family ward, because married people tend to hang out with married people. Also, I'm socially inept! My future at church worries me.
• I don't get touched very often. Like, I have a huge bubble. I generally don't like people in my bubble. But I also need physical touch. But, I'm not comfortable with a lot men touching me - I mean, there's a lot that I am comfortable touching me, but I honestly couldn't tell you why I'm comfortable with some and not comfortable with others - and, although I'm typically more comfortable with women touching me (still, not all. and I couldn't tell you why some and not others. I have found no consistency) I'm scared of women touching me because what if I catch FEELINGS. I get how irrational that is, but I never claimed to be rational. So, despite the fact that I actually need to be touched, like hugs and simple touches on the shoulder and even just someone sitting next to me, even if they're not touching but just, like, close to me, it's just easier to say that I have a big bubble and don't like being touched. Because how am I going to explain that I need physical interaction, but maybe not from everyone. Like, that person is allowed in my bubble, but not you, even though we're friends? Also, I'm afraid of you touching me, because you're pretty and I don't to suddenly be attracted to you, but you're one of the people I'm comfortable with being in my bubble? How do you explain that? So, my loneliness is enhanced because I'm a confusing - and confused - human being. 
• I may have made the decision to stay active in the church and I may be totally at peace and mostly happy with that choice, but I still have demons I wrestle with.
• I get overwhelmed at the idea of being single for forever (and, don't worry, when I say forever, I mean for this life, but it FEELS like forever). I want companionship. I want someone to be with for the rest of my life, to make decisions with, to argue with, to learn with, to have a family with, to be intimate with, to share my burdens with. I want that so bad. I don't know if I can do that with a man. I'm not saying I can't, but I don't know if it would work or if it would be healthy for me. So, I just look forward as if I'm going to be single. And that overwhelms me. It fills me with a profound loneliness.
• Sometimes, when I get home from work after a hard day, or even if it's just a day where I'm filled with feelings, I just want someone to hold me. Or even someone to go home to and talk to. Those nights, I'm lucky if someone is up late enough to text me back, so I usually just lay in bed and distract myself - I escape.
• I still sometimes wonder if I am just confused about being gay. But then I think about when I dated boys and when I tried to date boys. Ick.
• A recent uncomfortable thought is my worry that, currently, I'm doing a bad job at being a good friend. I used to judge my ability at being a good friend on how much I did for that person - buying them food, giving them rides, being their confidant. I haven't had as many opportunities to do things like that, lately, and it really makes me feel inadequate, but I don't know how else to be a good friend because that's what I always did.
• I want to be a mom. Like so freaking bad. And I want to adopt - particularly older kids. But I'm afraid I can't be nurturing enough. Or, for some reason, they won't let me adopt or even be a foster mom because I'll be a single mom. And that is a devastating thought.

There. Those are some of my uncomfortable thoughts that I spend a lot of time and effort avoiding. I share, not to get sympathy or because I'm seeking validation. I'm sharing because I need to face them. I need to stop escaping. I need to lean into them. I need to turn to God - and my friends - and give room for Him to do something with them.

Maybe you do too. I don't know. But, I know that I want to give space for the uncomfortable, so that I have more space fo the Lord.