Rainbow Connection

I saw a post on Facebook a couple of weeks ago saying that the rainbow is a symbol of God's promise never to flood the earth again, not a symbol of some of the sins that caused the flood. I wanted to scream. First off, if you actually read the story of the flood in the Old Testament, God specifies that it is the violence that leads him to flood the earth (Genesis 6). There is zero mention of homosexuality, but that's beside the point. I'm not here to discuss sin because we all sin, and I can't stand pointing fingers or labeling sins as worse than others; like, sin separates you from God. Any sin does. Focus on yourself, dude. Again, beside the point.

I wanted to scream because it completely disregards the beauty of the rainbow symbolism for the LGBTQ+ community. You know what that community is looking for? A place. Safety. Belonging. Why can't we allow the rainbow to have a twofold meaning: God promising to not flood the earth, but also belonging and safety? Love and acceptance? 

I've always loved the song Rainbow Connection, but as I heard it this month, it took on a completely different meaning. We are surrounded by people yearning for that rainbow connection. You don't have to understand the choices or feelings of the LGBTQ+ community to love them and support them. But I do believe you should be connecting with them. Isn't that what God wants for us? To be connected to one another.

Take that one step further: isn't the point of exaltation to be connected with our eternal family? All of the sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother? 

Honestly...it's not hard. The connection? It isn't difficult. I may not super love my job and I'm constantly frustrated by coworkers who are fine doing less than the bare minimum. But I love working with a diverse population. For the vast majority of my life, I have been surrounded by members of the church. When I go to work, that's not the case. It's refreshing to have different perspectives around me. Earlier this week, one of the girls at work started complaining about menstrual cramps and was about to ask me if I could relate/advice on how to handle them, but then she quickly asked, "Do you get periods? I wasn't sure and I didn't want to assume." It was so normal and natural. It wasn't awkward or uncomfortable.

I mean, part of it is probably because I'm very aware of how I present myself and I am very much uncaring of people's opinions on my appearance. I don't look traditionally feminine, especially at work - I wear basketball shorts and a t-shirt because it's hot and I'm working hard and get all sorts of gross and sweaty. With my short hair and zero make-up, my appearance doesn't scream feminine girl. I've had people ask what my pronouns were, again, so normally and naturally. 

These experiences just make me think: why is it so hard for some of us to just...be respectful and aware? To not automatically assume a person's identity? It is absolutely never uncomfortable for me to have someone clarify my pronouns or ask a clarifying - appropriate - question. And the reason why is because it's so respectful and inclusive. It doesn't hurt you and it validates and helps someone feel seen and safe.

There are so many people looking for connection and for a safe place. 

Pride month may be over after today, but I hope we don't stop fighting for and working for that connection. Because one day, we'll find and experience that beautiful rainbow connection.

The lovers, the dreamers, and me. 

A Discourse on Pride

Something I hope to be able to do someday is to be able to speak to members of the church in firesides or other similar forums about the LGBTQ+ community and the church. I've already decided on a couple of questions I would ask and topics I would discuss:

• If your child - or sibling, spouse, parent, youth you have stewardship over, etc. - comes out to you, brings home a partner of the same gender, or decides they want to be called by a different name/different pronouns, what will be your reaction? If it is anything besides love and acceptance, go back and reread the New Testament to see how Christ responded to people. (If I was in a little bit of a feisty mood, I probably would be more blunt and say, "Check yourself because anything besides love and acceptance is wrong.")
• What is the worst-case scenario if your child comes out to you as anything besides heterosexual or cisgender? Is it that they leave the church? That they have a same-sex partner? That they decide to change their gender and their name? If those are your answers, you're wrong. The worst-case scenario is that they kill themselves because they feel shame instead of acceptance, confusion and pressure instead of acceptance, even hate and discrimination instead of acceptance. Instead of LOVE.

In a survey done in 2019, 39% of LGBTQ respondents considered suicide. When comparing rates of suicide and suicide attempts between cisgender and heterosexual youth and youth who are LGBTQ, there is a drastic difference; there is a higher percentage of LGBTQ youth who consider suicide (The Trevor Project).

LGBTQ youth are more likely to be bullied, threatened, even attacked while in school. It is still common for teenagers to be kicked out of their homes for coming out. Members of the LGBTQ+ community make up a disproportionate amount of homeless teens. 

I honestly could share crazy amounts of statistics on this matter, but that's not what I want to focus on. (You can go to https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ - one of my favorite LGBTQ+ websites - https://www.outnotdown.org/lgbtq-youth, https://www.hrc.org/our-work, heck, even the CDC and Mental Health America has information and statistics about it.)

Here's the point that I want to make: for those of you who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints - or even those of you who are Christians of other denominations - are you truly behaving as Christ would want you to behave?

Is using a person's preferred name and pronouns not Christlike? Is being friends with same-sex couples not Christlike? Is inviting them into your home, going out and having lunch with them, loving them, going to their weddings not Christlike? What is morally wrong about any of these things? 

Nothing. Nothing is morally wrong with those things. I believe Christ would do all of those things. In fact, if you're reading the same New Testament that I read, I'm pretty dang sure Christ told us to do those things. 

Did you know that one of the biggest things that will help an LGBTQ youth not turn to suicide is feeling love and accepted? To have their preferred name and pronouns used? To not feel like they have to hide their identity from the people that are closest to them?

I'm going to be very frank with you. When I do not see my friends speak up on the behalf of the LGBTQ+ community, when I hear them say disparaging things, use slurs, try to take away rights, try to explain their discrimination as defending the traditional family and religious beliefs, I slowly lose respect for that person. 

Because here is the thing: Christ is one of the biggest allies I have. There literally is no reason why a Christian would not be an ally unless they are blinded by their prejudices and biases.

And, I get it. Biases exist. They're hard to fight! It took me years to fight against my own biases, and I AM gay! I still have biases that I am constantly working on. Because they will always exist, but they do not have to determine how I treat people. 

So, my friends, this June, what are you doing to show pride? What are you doing to show that you are an ally? For me, for your friends, your children, your family members, your ward members, your neighbors? 

Pride is important to me - not the pride that we're warned about in church. My pride has nothing to do with comparing myself to others or elevating myself. But pride in my LGBTQ+ community. Pride in my identity, because after years of wrestling with myself, I have come to terms that this is a part of who I am. 

Being an ally does not mean throwing away your beliefs. But it means that you become an advocate for a population that is hurting and is discriminated against. If you can love the person who drinks, smokes, or does drugs, you can love the gays lesbians, transgenders, and all the other identities out there. 

Remember: What is the worst-case scenario? It is not someone making choices you do not agree with. It's that person taking their life because people did not accept them and tried to force them to change. And I am positive that makes our Heavenly Parents weep. So, please, please, be an ally. Make pride your movement. Make my community your community. We need you.

Anxiety

I was able to spend the weekend in Sedona at a resort with some friends. It was so much fun and I loved being able to take a weekend off with some spectacular people.

But, I gotta tell you, things didn't go down the way I expected. In my brain, anyway.

My brain decided to try to sabotage my vacation, which, I gotta tell ya, is super frustrating when I'm trying to take a break from the things that stress me out because the break becomes stressful, but I was able to keep myself in check and still have a great time and - hopefully - not be a mood killer for my friends.

Despite being exhausted, I couldn't sleep tonight, and after about an hour of laying in bed with the anxiety thoughts racing around, I decided to write a poem that's been sitting in my brain for a while.

I haven't written a poem in a hot second, so it's definitely rough. But, in its imperfect and unpolished words, it explains what my anxiety has been for me recently.

I'm only sharing because it's mental health awareness month and I believe in transparency and striving for authenticity. Also probably because I'm very tired and can't sleep, which means I do impulsive things that I might regret in the morning, like sharing my poetry.

My anxiety makes me question my humanity.

Am I a person capable of rational thought

Or an animal driven by fears and perceived dangers?

 

The dangers of

Failure

Rejection

Incompetence

Inadequacy

Loneliness.

 

When the animal consumes me

With the possibility of danger

The fear becomes reality.

 

Rejection and Loneliness

Realized by pushing people away

Or snapping in irritation –

Not irritated by them but by myself;

 

Failure, Incompetence, and Inadequacy

Because never trying and running away

Means never succeeding.

 

Friends become enemies,

Whispered words become pointed attacks,

While I wonder

What I did wrong.

 

But what is real?

 

Opportunities for growth

Become weapons against me.

I cannot let myself be anything less than perfect

So I cannot take the risk.

 

What is the animal’s voice?

 

All the while,

So focused on myself

Consumed by the dangers

I miss the beauties and

Goodness around me.

 

The friends who reach out,

Full of love and kindness,

Eager to share and laugh.

The chances to learn and to struggle,

Expanding compassion

And chances to serve.

 

These are all lost

In my world of fears and dangers.

 

Will the animal ever give me back

My humanity?

Effort and Grace

 Fun fact: This post was going to be very different, but as I was writing the original and going off about "We need to be precise when talking about the Gospel so that pure doctrine is always being taught!" I realized that what I was planning on saying had A LOT of Beth thoughts that might be rooted in doctrine, but also just might be my personal beliefs. So, I decided to check myself, both through study and through asking what other people think. 

What spurred the desire for this blogpost began a couple weeks ago in my ward's fast and testimony meeting. There were three people who went up and began to discuss how they wanted to be worthy to live with God again, so they try so hard to keep the commandments and do what they are supposed to. Very little of what they said even referenced the Savior. This immediately bothered me, not because I don't believe in effort, but because of my feelings about grace and the Atonement of Jesus Christ. So, I asked myself the question, "Does keeping the commandments make me worthy, or does the Atonement of Jesus Christ make me worthy?"

Let me share two different experiences I've had that make this question so significant to me.

The first happened when I was a missionary. I was knocking doors in my last area - so, it was towards the last third of my mission. I can't remember which companion I had at the time, so I'm not exactly sure of the time frame. It was late enough in my mission that I was fairly confident in my ability to answer any question and defend it doctrinally. Also, I've always been fairly pompous and prideful so I pretty much always figured I had the answer (pretty much still true). While knocking doors, an older gentleman answered and spoke with us briefly. Like a lot of Christians not of our faith, he believed all that all you needed to do was accept Christ into your heart and you would be saved. So, he asked me a question. He asked, something to the effect of, "When you meet God and are judged, what are you going to say to Him?" My response, confidently was, "I tried my best." This man's reply back to me silenced me and I've never forgotten it. He said - again, something to the effect of - "That's not it. You should be falling to your knees, thanking Him for everything, because nothing you do gets you anywhere." I don't even know if I said anything back to him, because I was so dumbfounded. 

The next experience I want to share happened fairly recently at a book club. I honestly can't remember what we were talking about or how it came up, but one of the ladies said something about not being confident about living with God again, and I, mostly light-hearted and not intending to get into a Gospel discussion, said, "What, you're not sure?" And she said, "Well, you're never really sure. We try our best, but who knows what the outcome will be?" I left it at that, but I was really bothered but her uncertainty.

Now, let me point out what these experiences have in common: an emphasis on works, without putting those works in the context of God's grace. 

Let me explain why this bothers me so much: because I fail. ALL. THE. TIME. There are sins that I legitimately enjoy. Like, objectively, I don't like them, I don't want to do them, but they make me feel good, so, like, in the moment, I'm having a good time. I also am a brat, am impulsive, and have a temper, so I often say and do things that I know I shouldn't. I get complacent easily because I always am looking for the easy way out. So, despite my best efforts to keep the commandments and to stay true to the covenants I have made with my Heavenly Parents, I fall short. Constantly. No matter how hard I try, I'll never reach the standard that is required for exaltation. 

But.

There is the Atonement of Jesus Christ. By choosing to turn to the Savior and access the grace that He provides, I can achieve that standard. True, this is going to require work to accomplish, but it is not that work that saves me. It is my Savior.

Colin B. Douglas put it beautifully in an article he wrote for the Ensign entitled "What I've Learned about Grace Since Coming Down the Sycamore Tree." (Shout out to Sara Calton for sharing it with me, it was an AMAZING read!) Douglas uses the metaphor of Christ being a Physician. He said, "I feel myself to be somewhat like a man who has been sick with a deadly disease. But the Physician can come to such a man and assure him that, if he will remain under the Physician’s care, he will be cured. (See Matt. 9:10–13.) The treatment may be painful at times, and it will require the patient to go and do many things—which the Physician himself, through His grace, will help and empower the patient to do. (See Philip. 4:13 and Alma 26:12.) The time may be far hence when the patient finally will be pronounced whole and fit to come into the Physician’s own home and dwell with him. But if the patient continues to submit to those ministrations, that time will come."

I want to emphasize a particular line here: the Physician himself, through His grace, will help and empower the patient. Yes, we have things that we are required to do. But we are not meant to do them alone. In fact, if we attempt to keep the commandments on our own, we will fail. Our efforts to keep the commandments will not save us - unless we do it with the Savior. Ultimately, we need His grace, not only to repent, but to even begin to be successful at keeping the commandments. 

So, I guess what I'm trying to say, in response to those testimonies shared, to my own naive response to that gentleman, and to that woman in my book club, your own effort, alone, is always going to fall short. It's not going to be what saves you. God's grace will do that. And you can feel confident in your eternal future if you are merely trying and turning toward the Savior. 

The effort that really saves us is the effort to call upon grace and use it in our lives (again, shout out to Sara for that beautiful nugget). 

So, to answer my question "Does keeping the commandments make me worthy, or does the Atonement of Jesus Christ make me worthy?" It's the Atonement of Jesus Christ. It will always be Christ. My own efforts are useless without him, and although what I do is important, I should never talk about my own efforts without acknowledging Him and what He does for me to even make my efforts possible. 

Relief

 Today in church, someone mentioned how the Atonement of Jesus Christ can give us relief. That word relief stuck out to me, and I spent some time thinking about that relief.

I'm the kind of person who is constantly seeking for what is comfortable and what feels good. If I'm feeling anything uncomfortable, I do what I can remove either myself from what is making me uncomfortable or remove the thing that is making me feel uncomfortable. If I am tired, literally all I want to is sleep. If I'm hungry, if it is in my power, I will eat right away. When I am really struggling with my anxiety, I try to avoid pretty much anything that might make it worse and do whatever I can to numb my brain to get it to stop thinking - like, it's a really good thing I don't drink alcohol, because ooooh boy, would I be drinking A LOT! I look for easy outs in most situations - like, at church, I will typically sit on the end of the pew so I literally have an easy way out of the chapel and the clumps of people that form. If something tastes good, smells good, or makes me feel good in any way shape or form, I will seek it out. Sometimes obsessively. (I will eat pizza for every meal if given the opportunity because it tastes so good.)

Essentially, I am constantly looking for relief. I'm looking for whatever will temporarily make whatever I'm experiencing better and lighter. I aim for what is easy and what is comfortable.

There is better relief, though. Sometimes, to experience lasting relief and meaningful relief, there is work that needs to be done. Sometimes, to experience relief, we need to lean into whatever we are currently feeling. Earlier this week, I was having a very bad day, mental health-wise. Like, one of the worst days I've had in several months. My natural inclination was to crawl underneath my weighted blanket and scroll through social media until I felt like my brain would let me sleep. Instead, I felt a little prompting to reach out to a friend; maybe to most people, this doesn't sound like a big deal, but I don't generally reach out when I'm having bad days. I don't want to talk about things, because I know what once I do, the floodgates will open, and I don't know if I'm down for being that vulnerable. I don't want to be annoying or a burden or make anyone feel obligated to do anything. But, I decided to lean into the discomfort and reach out to my friend. Even after just a few minutes of being with her, I felt such incredible relief. Like, the minutes between me reaching out to her, waiting for a response, and then waiting for her to pick me up were excruciating, because my brain is ridiculous, but the relief I felt afterward was so much more than anything I would have experienced laying in my room by myself.

I have had very similar experiences after wrestling with difficult choices; I never wanted to move back to Arizona. Idaho was comfortable. I had good friends. I had an excellent job - with benefits! And even though it was a full-time job, I was still able to balance full-time school without much problem. When I started getting the prompting to start thinking about maybe moving back to Arizona, I was very uncomfortable. I didn't want to. Even after I made the decision and I was trying to figure out a job, trying to figure out where I should live, and trying to come to terms with upending my entire life, I was very uncomfortable. But, when I got my car - and my dad's truck - all packed up and started my drive down to Mesa, I felt relief. I mean, I'm still not necessarily super thrilled to be here, but I recognize that relief that I felt!

When I've had to repent and realign myself to God's teachings, I've been very uncomfortable. It is so much easier to just maintain or be content. It's easier to continue doing the thing you know you're not supposed to because it's familiar, it feels good, or convenient. Heck, sometimes even the thing you know you need to change feels safe. And to have to change that? SO uncomfortable! It seems like the exact opposite of relief! Until you lean into it, and you feel it. The relief of being renewed. Of feeling God's love. Of feeling your relationship with your Savior strengthened.

Often, the relief that is worth feeling and that is going to be lasting is going to require some work; it is likely going to require effort, discomfort, maybe some pain and suffering. But! That relief! The relief that comes from using the Atonement of Jesus Christ to repent and to feel reconciliation and forgiveness! The relief that comes from receiving God's grace to overcome a trial! The relief that comes from following a prompting! It is so much better than anything else that might provide relief.

Choosing to turn to the Savior and His Atonement for relief will always be superior to any easy way out I could possibly find.

Reconciliation

 In June 2002, President Nelson gave a talk during a seminar to new mission presidents about the Atonement. In it, he talks about the meaning of the Atonement, referencing how different languages describe the Atonement differently. He says, "Other languages may employ words that connote either expiation or reconciliation. Expiation means to atone for.' Reconciliation comes from Latin roots re, meaning 'again'; con, meaning 'with'; and sell, meaning 'seat.' Reconciliation, therefore literally means 'to sit again with.'"

When I read this, I couldn't stop thinking of the idea that the Atonement means that the Savior sits with us. And then I immediately thought of two experiences in which people sat with me, helping me feeling God's love and helping to lead me to use the power of the Atonement.

While I was wrestling with my relationship with the church and whether or not it was worth it to stay active, I had a lot of hurt in my heart. I was confused, bitter, frustrated, and even angry towards God. I was searching for answers and doing just about everything I could to find answers and find relief, but I couldn't seem to find it. I couldn't resolve my identity as a woman who was attracted to other women and my identity as a member of the church. I couldn't make sense of what my place was and what God truly expected of me. During this journey, I also took up a few unhealthy and less than ideal habits to try to ease the feelings I was dealing with. At one point, I was visiting a friend from my mission. While we were catching up, I was very candid with her. I spoke with her about some of the mistakes I made, the feelings I had, my confusion, and how I just couldn't seem to find relief. She listened and she sympathized. And when I said that, if I were to walk away from the church and choose to have a girlfriend, I would probably just disappear from the lives of my mission friends. In response, she told me that, unequivocally, was not allowed to disappear. She said that, even if I leave the church, she wanted to be a part of my life and meet whoever I dated, so that she could also be a part of her life.

In that moment, my friend sat with me. Truly sat with me. She accepted everything I was going through, saw everything that I was and struggling with, and sat with me. And, in that instance, I felt God's love. After that conversation with my friend, I began to stop feeling shame about my questions, confusion, and bitterness, because I felt acceptance from someone who was willing to sit with me. This, in turn, led me to Christ. I began to be able to feel more of his influence, and the hurts that I had been carrying started to heal, and I began to experience reconciliation. Because my friend sat with me, I was able to sit with Christ.

Last week, I had a lot of shame and frustration that I was carrying. I wanted to avoid the problems instead of facing them. Because of this, I really didn't want to go to church, because I was afraid that the place where I can go to feel peace and God's love would end up causing me hurt and bitterness. But, I went and I had another friend who sat with me. She created a space that was safe and comfortable so that the shame and frustration turned into healing and peace. My friend sat with me, which helped me to sit with Christ.

If the Atonement means that we sit again with Christ, then we have a very important role as disciples of Jesus Christ: to sit with people. We sit with others, no matter what state they are in, how repentant they are, or how they feel towards God, because as we sit with them, we are able to help point them to Christ. By sitting with people, we are able to help them sit with Christ again. 

I'm grateful for these two friends - and many others - who sat with me, because I was able to experience reconciliation. 

Amidst the Chaos

"We did not give up on love today." - Sara Bareilles

Last year - back when live concerts were still a thing - I went to a Sara Bareilles concert. It was an AMAZING experience. While there, I bought a hoodie, because I felt like it called out to me. One the sleeve is that quote from her song Orpheus. "We did not give up on love today." It resonated within me, but I couldn't really articulate why. Due to my circumstances, romantic love isn't really something I'm focusing on or searching for, so a line this normally wouldn't jive with me. Today, I realized why: because I want to fight for love. 

Last month, those of us who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints had the opportunity to listen to several men and women of God declare that we needed to strive for unity, compassion, and understanding with everyone. President Oaks, in particular, reminded us that Christ mandated that we need to love everyone. Guess what? That includes our enemies. In fact, Christ specifically said that. 

"Don't stop trying to find me here amidst the chaos. Though I know it's blinding there's a way out. Say out loud we will not give up on love now."

There's a lot of chaos going on in the world today. I feel torn apart. Voices from all sides calling out. And the loudest and most frequent ones are terrible. They are hateful, disparaging, intolerant, accusatory. They refuse to listen to others. You can't disagree with them without being called a tyrant, a bigot, uneducated, or worse. There is such a lack of love. In fact, I usually see, "Block them. Unfriend them." But...where is the love? Where is the compassion? Where is the understanding?

I have friends that voted for Trump. I don't believe in unfriending them or getting mad at them, because they voted for him. I don't believe it automatically makes them racist, homophobic, or transphobic. And...honestly? Even if they were...I probably would still be friends with them.

Let me explain: I used to be homophobic and transphobic. Because I didn't understand. But, I changed. Why? Because of my experiences, exposure, and just, you know, life in general changing me. (Realizing I'm gay certainly helped move things along, but I think I would have gotten there eventually.) I'm grateful that my friends didn't leave me, because my lack of knowledge and understanding caused me to have ignorant attitudes. I used to be a bit insensitive and, honestly, I probably was a bit racist. Even now, I actively work to not say insensitive things and try to correct any racist attitudes I might have. Ibram K. Kendi discusses that the opposite of racist is anti-racist rather than simply "not being racist." In fact, "not being racist" isn't really a thing. As he explains it, you can either be one or the other. You're either racist or you're actively fighting against racism. That means even if you are not actively saying things or actively practicing racist attitudes, if you're not speaking out when you witness racism or striving to help make positive changes, you are, by sins of omission, being racist. This means that there have been times - probably many times - where I have been racist. Like I said, it is something I try to be very conscious of. I'm very grateful for the friends that I still have, despite the fact that I am not perfectly anti-racist. 

The moral of the story is, people are not completely good or completely bad. You probably have racist friends who are actually incredible people. They just need to have their eyes opened, they need a little bit more experience, a little bit more understanding. You probably have some amazing friends who are a little homophobic or transphobic. Again, they just need to have their eyes opened, have a little more experience, and a little bit more understanding. 

Now, obviously, you need to set appropriate boundaries for yourself. If you feel unsafe - physically, mentally, or emotionally - definitely remove yourself from those people making you feel that way. But, remember...people are not black and white (in the metaphorical sense). Give room for people to be gray.

I have friends that voted for Biden. They are not all uneducated, duped by the media, baby killing socialists. 

My whole point is...we all deserve way more love. Even your enemies, and I really feel like we are treating the different political parties as enemies. Which I hate. I don't agree with it. It's so divisive. BUT. If that is how you see things...how about you love them anyway? We are supposed to love our enemies.

While this song is intended to be a romantic love song, I feel this is very appropriate for right now. Please, try to find one another amidst this terrible chaos. Don't give up on love. Don't let elections, politics, different ideologies, get in the way of your love. 

"We'll say we did not give up on love today."