One last weekend

This is a song that I super love. I love it because it talks about seeing the good in life. Every day really can be a good day!

As I think about this past weekend, I feel like this song describes it perfectly. It pretty much was the best weekend I could ask for, especially since this is my last weekend before heading up to Idaho.

There has been a lot on my mind in regards to this move up to Idaho. One, I haven't done school for a long time. There is a lot I don't remember. Plus, thanks to transferring, I'm pretty much back to square one in my degree progress. Two, I need a job. I've been super fortunate with my previous jobs; they were pretty much handed to me. I know that it will all work out. Heavenly Father wants me in Idaho, so He'll take care of me, but it's still a little worry in the back of my head. Three, roommates. I've spent the last 10 1/2 months in my own room, not having to interact with people unless I chose to. I'm going to be living with 5 girls that I know very little about. I'm excited about it, but also nervous because what it they're crazy? What if I  am the crazy one?! What if they don't like sharing? But what if they're super awesome and we all become super tight besties? Who knows?! It makes me anxious.

Four. This is the big one. When I was preparing to come home from my mission, I had many conversations with Heavenly Father. I didn't want to go home. I wanted to stay for another 6 months. I would have done literally anything to have stayed. I asked Him why I needed to go home. His answer? For my family. I was going home for my family. He didn't get any more specific for that. So, I have spent the last almost 11 months with my family. Helping when I can; movie nights; baby sitting; trying in all the ways I can to express my love. And, guys, I'm heart broken. I've worked so hard to create this bond with my siblings that I'm dreading leaving. I rarely was homesick when I was in Flagstaff. And if I did get homesick, I lived 2 1/2 hours away. Not a big deal. On my mission, the only times I really yearned to be with family was when a new baby was born or when my grandpa died. I've always loved my family, but I've also been pretty chill with being away from them, for the most part. But now? When I'm bored, I go to a siblings house. To cheer myself up, I go visit nieces and nephews. I willingly submit myself to chaos. Why would Heavenly Father tell me that I needed to go home for my family only to have me leave 11 months later, except now I'm just super sad. THAT'S been on my mind.

So, I wanted to clear my mind this weekend. I wanted to stop the anxiety, I wanted to have fun, and I wanted to be able to arrive in Idaho with confidence. Heavenly Father is good to me, and provided what I needed.

Friday night, a mission friend flew in from Utah and another mission friend and I went to pick her up and then we all went over to another mission friend's home where we slept over. We then spent Saturday temple hopping and in the evening drove to Snowflake for yet another mission friend and her wedding reception. Sunday we separated so I could go to my own ward but then drove back to Phoenix that night to spend the night with them. Today, the one from Utah went back home and I finished up the last of my college shopping and then spent the evening in the midst of my chaotic family as one last hurrah for me before I leave.

The two friends I spent the most time with have been home for barely a month, so they still have a lot of that missionary enthusiasm for all things spiritual and Gospel related. Through the vicious Phase 10 games, the long hours in the car, the late nights (or early mornings, whatever you want to call it), and the ridiculous amount of discussion about boys, there was a special spirit that managed to remain the entire time. It gave me incredible clarity.

For the first time in a long while I allowed myself time to actually hold a conversation with the Lord, instead of me giving a list of demands and getting frustrated at the lack of revelation in my life.

For the first time in a long while, when I looked inward and saw my weaknesses and flaws, instead of  getting frustrated and discouraged by the struggles, I turned to Heavenly Father and said, "Alright, how can we fix this?" and received clear counsel.

For the first time in a long while, I was able to accept gentle chastisement - which may or may not have even been given unintentionally - and I felt that true godly sorrow, instead of just a small twinge of guilt at maybe not being as good as I could, which allowed me to have a sweet experience during the sacrament.

For the first time in a long while, I felt similar to how I felt when I was a missionary - even though there was not one moment of proselyting, knocking doors, walking up to random strangers and trying to introduce the Gospel to them, or wearing my treasured nametag.

And then the perfect ending to this long weekend? At my family gathering, my mom had the brilliant idea to have everyone "golden chair" me. It's an old family tradition we stopped doing a long time ago; when it was someones birthday, we'd all have to say something nice about the birthday kid. My mom thought that since I'm leaving, everyone needed to say something nice about me. As expected, everyone made a fuss, since we haven't done it in years, and because I'm pretty sure the last 3 times we revived the golden chair, it was for me too (youngest child perks). But, they stopped fussing and said nice things.

Now, if anyone knows my family, they will know that we express love, not by compliments, but by snarky, sarcastic comments. So, flat out kind words often make me feel super uncomfortable (words of affirmation. Not my strength). Luckily, most of my siblings prefaced their kind words with love-filled sarcasm. The best part of it? For the first time in 11 months, I felt like I had succeeded in doing more than just go to work. Heavenly Father had told me that I needed to go home because of my family. Do I know the reason why any better than I did 11 months ago? Not really. But, that's fine, because my family knows that I love them. They each acknowledged it in their own way in whatever they said to me. These past 11 months haven't been just a waste of time, while I've been waiting to go to school and move on with the rest of my life.

So, now, I feel ready. I'm a lot less anxious. I'm a lot more sure. I'm a lot more excited. I'm a lot more prepared, spiritually. Bring it on, Idaho! Nothing is going to stop me from me from making these beautiful days into a beautiful semester!