Your Core Truths

Today, I was inspired by this song. I know...for any of you long-time readers, I tend to reuse Sara Bareilles songs, but, I mean, if a song is good, you can't deny it! But, I was thinking of this blog post, which I actually had no intention of adding a song to, and then I listened to "Brave" and it just felt right.

What I love about "Brave" is that it is all about being true to yourself and letting the whole world see it. You don't reserve your core truth for yourself when you're all alone; rather, it should be something you share with everyone who can see you. This can be hard to do, though. I think that sometimes, we ourselves, forget or lose sight of what our core truth is. We get distracted by a whole lot of other things.

I've been thinking about this because I've had people express to me that they feel like I am not being my true self, that I'm denying myself and who I am by choosing to recognize my attraction to girls, yet refusing to act on that attraction.  I understand their concern and I understand why they might feel that way. I mean, I'm all about being true to yourself! I want to be true to myself! But, I guess I see my identity as being so much more than my sexuality. It's one facet of who I am, and it by no means defines me. In fact, let's take a look at exactly what my attraction to women is: feelings. 

I like feelings. Feelings give us depth, can teach us, and connect us to people. But, feelings are not always meant to be acted upon. In fact, there's a scripture in the Book of Mormon that discusses this. Alma, when talking to one of his sons - and not his son who went about gallivanting with a harlot, which I think is pretty significant - says, "see that ye bridle all your passions," (Alma 37:12). Alma was teaching his son about feelings.

We all have feelings that we need to direct and control. That does not mean we have to get rid of our feelings. But, if we feel so angry that we want to ram our car into another individual, punch someone in the face, or yell uncontrollably, we should probably resist that temptation. If we are attracted to someone who is married, we probs shouldn't pursue that individual. If we become so hopeless or depressed, and our coping mechanism is to go to a bar and binge drink, we should probably not do that. Just because we have feelings or tendencies does not mean that we are meant to act on them. Instead, we are meant to bridle them. I feel so strongly about a lot of things, but that does not mean that I am going to go about passionately acting or expressing all of things. In fact, that is something that the kids I work with at the JCC are having to learn - they are feeling things, and those feelings aren't necessarily bad, but when they act on them, then it can be a bad thing.

In the heat of the moment, we can get caught up in what we are feeling and act in a way that actually is not in accordance to our core truth. If I were to act upon the homosexual feelings or impulses, I would be going against my core truths and identity. You see, I made covenants with my Heavenly Father, and so my core truths, which involve integrity, diligence, and faith, mean that rather than act upon those feelings, I choose to keep the covenants that I have made. Just like when I get angry while driving, I may want to say all the swear words towards the other drivers who try to change lanes into me, drive slowly in the left lane of the highway, or don't use their blinkers, but I don't, because I try to uphold my core truth of kindness and goodness.

I will never be offended when someone comes to me, questioning if my life choices actually are an expression who I am. I understand wanting to help someone let their brave out. We all need to be a little bit better at letting our brave out. But, just remember that our brave goes deeper than what you feel, but who you are. And who you are is so much more than just what you feel. It's your values, your identity, your visions.

So, my message to you is to let your brave out, whatever it is. If it's expressed in who you choose to be with, what you choose to study or what career you choose to pursue, what hobbies you pick up, or how you treat people, just do it. And just be true to who you are and to your core. Only you will know what that is, and if you actually are being true to you. No one else can determine that for you.  You will have distractions along the way, That's okay. Just learn to bridle in those distractions. Direct them to actually building you up.

And...just...be you. Unashamedly, unabashedly, apologetically, you.

Chasing the Sun (Part 3)

I've used this song multiple times on my blog, but it's probably one of the most meaningful nonreligious songs I've ever come across. I discovered it a little while after I got home from my mission (after I decided to go discover what Sara Bareilles music I had been missing out on from the previous 18 months of my life) and the lyrics just really struck me.

When I came home from my mission, I was really lost. I knew what I wanted to do, but it all felt so far away. I knew I had a purpose to fulfill, but the steps seemed so far distant. .I wasn't even going to be able to get back into school until the next fall - and I got home from my mission in October. I ended up starting school on September, almost 11 months, to the day, from the time I got home from my mission. That was incredibly discouraging for me, and those 11 months, although there was plenty of good times and plenty of light, were still incredibly dark. So, Chasing the Sun served as a reminder to me, to always be running after my dreams. I have so much to be grateful for, down to the very breath that I breathe, so I shouldn't do anything less than just go out and try. Since then, I've been trying to run full blast towards my dreams. Obviously, I'm not perfect in that. Sometimes my run turns into a meandering stroll, or I feel so exhausted or overwhelmed that it takes all of my power to not just flop down on the ground, and simply stop moving forward. But, I never did.

In April, I graduated with my Bachelor's of Science in Psychology. It was thrilling to have accomplished something that brought me one step closer to reaching my dream, but I knew I still had a long ways to go. I aim to get my PhD, but that requires both money and experience (also, the GRE, but, you  know, that's a completely different beast to tackle). So, I started applying for jobs. I started getting really frustrated, because very few job openings provided very much money or experience that would actually be helpful for grad school or what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. But, there was one: to be a rehabilitation technician for the Juvenile Correction Center. The pay was stellar, the experience was literally perfect, not only for grad school but for helping me figure specifics out in regards to what I actually want to do for the rest of my life, plus, I would actually be helping people. I applied and a month went by, and I didn't hear anything. I ended up getting a job for another company as a fraud specialist, and was told I would start Monday, May 21st. A week before I was supposed to start with that job, I get a call from the JCC, saying they wanted me to come in for an interview. I was stoked, so I, of course, said yes, with high hopes.

After the interview, I was told that I would find out if I would get the job in about 2 weeks. So, I started my other job, each day anticipating a phone call. That never came. The 2nd week ended, and I resigned myself to being a fraud specialist for the next 2 or so years, while I saved up for grad school. So, that Tuesday, of the third week, I check my phone while I was on break, and I had a voicemail from the JCC asking me to call them back - it turns out, for the purpose of offering me a job. So, I quit that day and then started work at the JCC the very next day.

The fact that I have a job at the JCC thrills me, every day. It's not a convenient or easy job. It's not comfortable and I can't be lazy. And I love it! I feel like I'm running full blast towards my dream. I feel like I'm accomplishing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I feel confident that I am where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to do, surrounded by the people who need me and who I need. I am chasing the sun, and it is a beautiful experience.

Probably the most significant thing, though, through all of this, is that I have felt my Heavenly Father's love. He is invested in my life. I wanted specific things, to reach my ultimate goal. I went to Him with every single one, with every single concern, with every single desire, and with every single question. And He gave me literally everything that I needed and everything that I wanted. It could not be more perfect. He was invested enough in my life to respond to every single detail, because it mattered so much to me, and because they all pointed me in the right direction. I know it doesn't always happen that way. Sometimes He points us in a different direction. But I am so grateful for this experience, because it has shown me that when the Lord gives us the option to choose - because each time I would ask Him for direction, He told me to make a decision - He will respond, trusting us to make the right choice.

So, here I am chasing my dream. And, though my life is not perfect, I couldn't be happier.

The Race

This weekend I had the opportunity to support one of my best friends as she ran a marathon. This experience was completely inspiring to me. Part way through her race, she started feeling incredible pain in her legs, particularly her left one. Now, my friend is a runner. She's been running for years, and is no stranger to hard races, but this was worse than what she experienced in other races. Yet, she did not stop. She did not give up. Instead, she kept going until she reached the finish line. The last couple of miles, she couldn't run anymore, so she walked - until the very end, when she was within sight of the finish line and she started running again. I was - and still am - in complete awe of her, for doing what she did. It is nothing less than amazing, and as I have reflected back on watching her race, there have been two thoughts that have been repeating themselves.

The first was inspired from Angela Duckworth's book Grit. I finished reading it on Friday, and one of the last things I wrote in it - I was jotting down notes as I read it - was "Failure does not define you. You define failure."

The second is something that was said at a session of stake conference I attended as a missionary. It was a member of the Seventy, and he said something to the effect of, "Goals are not necessarily meant to be reached. They are meant for us to work towards something," explaining that just because you didn't reach a goal does not mean that you did not fulfill the purpose of the goal.

My friend didn't accomplish one of her goals, within the race. To me, that is completely irrelevant. Why? Because she did literally everything within her power to accomplish her goal and to do her best. Often, we will not be able to control everything we encounter as we work towards out goals. We cannot anticipate every bump in the road. Just like my friend who started feeling excruciating pain, which inhibited her ability to run how she normally could. Her capacities were decreased, but that did not mean she put forth any less effort. For me, to say that she failed would be an utter falsehood. To some, maybe to the world looking from the outside, she failed. Luckily for us, we do not have to abide by the world's standard of failure, Rather, we can look at what we accomplished, not at what we lacked. We will always be lacking. We will always be missing something. So, instead, we should focus on what we have accomplished. Did you do your best? Did you do everything within your power? Did you learn something and grow? Then, you did not fail.

Sometimes not reaching your goal allows you to understand your limits. Sometimes not finishing something the way that you wanted to or were hoping to is an opportunity for growth. You can see what you did well and what you need to improve on. The only failure that is true failure is not putting forth the effort. It's not choosing to act. It's not using the agency that you have been given, the power and gifts that you have to accomplish something.

You're not going to reach every goal that you set for yourself. But, that's not the point of a goal. The point of a goal is to do. If you are acting, growing, working towards the goal, then who cares if you didn't actually accomplish it?? If your goal is a 4.0 GPA, but you only get a 3.95, but you worked diligently for that 3.95, you shouldn't beat yourself up or think your degree is any less valid.

So, the moral of the story? Failure is not when you do not reach your goals. Failure is choosing to not act in full force. You do not have to accomplish your goals to accomplish what you need to. I mean, God intends for us to be perfect, but no matter how hard I try to do that, I'm not going to accomplish perfection within the year. And that's okay.

So, go do a thing. Try to do something incredible. Chase your dreams. And if you don't reach it? Celebrate where it took you - and then do it again.