While I was attending BYU-Idaho, I was still really uncertain what my sexuality meant to me and what it meant for me. I was trying to find a comfortable label and a way to describe it. I had a lot of shame that I kept pretty hidden and covered with confidence in my faith and dedication to my service within the church. I went through stages of judgment when looking at and hearing about other queer latter-day saints, then judging members for how they handled queer latter-day saints, then jealousy for the individuals who seemed to find great happiness and fulfillment in their queer identity and relationships. Navigating all of that while attending BYU-Idaho was a rough deal.
Now, I don't regret attending BYU-I. I had wonderful roommates, friends, leadership (for the most part) and experiences. My psych professors worked really hard to create a space for critical thinking and open-mindedness. We certainly had the lens of the Gospel within the classroom, but what was taught and what we discussed was purely the subject matter. In fact, in one of my classes, one of the first articles we read and discussed was about if it is practical to claim that, as professionals, we are bias free, especially people who have faith - the article concluding that it is impossible to be free from bias - and what that means when we are interacting with people, and how we can protect our clients from our bias. It was a refreshing discussion, because there was no conversation about what was right or wrong, but about how to best help our clients outside of our lens and worldview.
But, attending BYU-I meant I had unique experiences that, perhaps I could have had at another university, but, in reality, probably not. A lot of these experiences were particularly damaging to me, as a queer member. There is one in particular that I have been thinking a lot about.
One of my friends was the Relief Society president at the time, and one day she asked to talk with me. She said she wanted to prepare me for something that was going to be discussed at stake conference. When I look back on those memories, there are some things that I'm not sure came from my friend or from the stake conference, because it blends together, but I'll share to the best of my ability. My friend warned me that stake conference was going to address some homosexual behavior that had occurred within the stake and warn everyone. She shared some things, but again, I can't remember what came from her or what came from the stake conference. I deeply appreciate my friend being aware enough of me to warn me. When she did, I didn't think it was going to be a big deal and I went into stake conference assuming I was going to be able to just make a joke of how ridiculous the statements were going to be.
What I remember being said at the stake conference was this: two young women were feeling lonely. Because of this loneliness, they began to turn towards each other for comfort, beginning with things like scratching each other's back. They continued to explore and experiment until - and I'm pretty sure this is a direct quote - "they tried everything they could." The tone that was conveyed was one of deep pity for these two women who were lonely and turned towards such carnal behavior for comfort, who weren't cautious and didn't pay attention to the warning sins. It was wrapped up by saying something to the effect of, "We must be careful. Remember, this all started with them scratching each other's backs."
That was seared into my brain. I made a joke of it with the friend who had warned me previously, counting the number of couples I saw in that stake conference who were scratching backs. At that point in time, I was incredibly uncertain about what my attraction to women meant for my future. The word lesbian was honestly terrifying for me to use. I was already terrified of physical affection or physical touch, because of how people might interpret it or on the off chance I might feel something. But back scratching was one of my favorite forms of platonic affection. I've always been super tense and stressed, so back scratching helped me relax and it was the only form of physical touch that didn't make me squirm. Until this stake conference. I knew it was such a ridiculous thing; it was so ridiculous to emphasize that two women scratching each other's backs could somehow lead to gay sex. But I became even more afraid of letting my guard down and being physically affectionate or letting my friends be physically affectionate towards me.
Why am I bringing this up? Because this message was honestly so damaging. And, honestly, I imagine it was traumatizing for the two women it was about. I sincerely hope they weren't present for that stake conference. But I felt like, after that conference, every interaction I had with a woman was going to be policed. That my bishop - who was the one who spoke about this at stake conference - would be watching me if I was too affectionate with my roommates or my friends. I already felt an element of isolation because I was trying to date men but hated it, I was almost scared of my close friendships with women, and I had no clue how to talk about any of it or who to talk to about it. Then, suddenly, I was being warned that even allowing back scratches could lead to sinful behavior. Back scratching. Like, when did that become such a sensual thing?
If you are going to continue to defend homosexuality being a sin, fine. Whatever. But, please, please, please be so aware of the message that you deliver. I did not need to be told that I needed to be careful about who I touched or how I touched. I was already abundantly aware. The queer members of the church don't need to be told what to do and what not to do. If you're going to demand that queer members stay celibate, encourage them to have close relationships, including touching, because being touch starved is so damaging - and this is coming from somebody that is constantly touch-starved, and that is something I simply don't know how to change anymore - and flood them with love and with closeness, rather than spreading messages to promote isolation and wall building.
We do not need musket fire, threats of damnation, or messages that we are ruining our eternal family. We need love and closeness. What are you bringing to people?
