Kitchen Sink

About a year ago, I started developing a deep and abiding love for Twenty One Pilots. Not just the trendy, popular songs, like Stressed Out and Heathens, but their more obscure songs - and their popular ones. Pretty much every one that I hear I grow to love.



The reason for my newfound love for their music has to do with the reality of their songs. Yeah, their style is very different than, say, Sara Bareilles, who pretty much any one who even glances at this blog would be able to figure out, but their lyrics are clever, clean, and speak to my soul. When I was dealing with my episode with seasonal depression last year, I could relate to many of their songs and, in fact, found strength and good reminders within the lyrics.



The end of this past semester was pretty brutal on me. I'm a high-strung person who is naturally very stressed. I'm anxious, but not unbearably so - at least, until a few weeks ago. I started dealing with anxiety and panic attacks, and the constant anxiety was on a completely different level than what I was used to. It wasn't my favorite experience. And it wasn't anything I had ever experienced. Yes, I've had bouts of depression, but never bouts to true, exhausting and nearly debilitating anxiety.



As I've dealt with these experiences of depression and, now, anxiety, I've learned a couple of things. One, depression and anxiety will never define me. It's just another thing. It's not going to be a permanent thing in my life - thank goodness. I know not everyone does not have that experience - and even if it was, while it would drive some of my behavior, it would not be who I was. Now, I think a lot of people might get a little confused by that.



I believe there is a danger in identifying as the diagnosis. "I am depressed" can be dangerous, as opposed to "I have depression," or even "I am deal with," "struggling with" or "experiencing depression." One becomes your identity and the other just becomes a thing in your life. This idea actually gave me strength the past few weeks, as I was having my anxiety attacks. It was something I was battling, rather than something I was - which meant, I could conquer it. Anyone who knows me well knows I am a fighter. I fight in everything that I do. I am not a passive observer in my life; I work hard and do not back down. Dealing with anxiety was no different.



Now, I want to point out that I do not believe in masking things like anxiety or depression. In fact, I think denying or hiding them intensifies the experience. Rather, you need to admit that it's something you are dealing with, something you are feeling and experience, and then do something. You're having a bout of depression? Instead of lying in bed all day, get up and brush your teeth. You don't have to go run a marathon, or even interact with humans, if that seems impossible. But do something. Even if that something is just putting on a change of clothes. Don't hide the thing, but also don't wallow in the thing. If you're having an anxiety attack, find what grounds you - the cold winter air. The sound of water in nature. Being able to see the stars. Having a friend with you - and then make sure you do something, whether it's going outside in the cold or, if that is too hard, texting a friend who knows what grounds you, and the only effort you have to put forth is sending the text, "Help," or whatever would help them understand what you need.



I totally get that, for some, I am oversimplifying things. Sometimes the battles that we face are really difficult, much more difficult that I have experienced or what others can even fathom. I'm not trying to trivialize what those experiences are like. What I'm trying to say, Tyler says best in the song shared above:



Are you searching for purpose? 

Then write something, yeah it might be worthless, 

Then paint something then, it might be wordless,

Pointless curses, nonsense verses.

No one else is dealing with your demons,

Meaning, maybe, defeating them could be the beginning of your meaning, friend.



These experiences that we have can be crippling, in those moments. But don't let them cripple your for forever. Make something of them. Battle them. A lot of times, when we are facing these things, we struggle to find meaning in our lives; we lose sight, because we are so bogged down. It can become impossible to see why our existence is even significant, because all we feel is darkness, sorrow, fear, pain, panic, worry.



You know what I say to that - in the kindest and most loving manner - fight it. Make something of yourself! Create your purpose. Once you do, you become powerful. I promise you that even in your weakest and darkest of times, you can do something incredible with whatever you are feeling. I've seen beautiful pieces of writing and artwork come from those experiences. I've seen incredible compassion, because someone understands struggle. I've seen barriers broken, because people fought for others, after experiencing such pain.



Don't let your demons take away your feeling of significance; rather use those demons to give your life meaning. Because the meaning is there.



Most important, you are not alone. While others may not know what it is like to struggle in the exact way that you are struggling, you are not alone in your struggle. That is one of the most valuable lessons I learned this past semester.



Anyway, at this point, I'm just rambling, but the moral of the story is: Don't back down and don't give up. Please.

The Lovers, the Dreamers, and Me

Sometimes I reflect on my life and wonder at the walking paradox I am. I am highly skeptical. If you are not an authority on a subject or if the information you give me does not resonate with me, I will search, ponder, speculate, and question until I come to a satisfactory conclusion. I even do this, to some degree, within the classroom. I acknowledge that professors know a whole lot more on a subject that I do, but if something doesn't jive with how I perceive the world, I won't discredit it, but I will stir the pot a bit - within my own mind, not typically within the classroom, because who has time to be that person in a class - until I come to a conclusion that resonates with me. (I'm super grateful for the knowledge of the Holy Spirit, because He makes those experiences so much less stressful.)

Even with my skepticism, I am a dreamer. I am a hopeless romantic - not in the realm of love, because, nope, but in regards to the hope and belief that we, as individuals can do the impossible. I believe in chasing dreams. Anything from the crazy, impossible dreams to the practical, everyday dreams that people have. I completely understand that people have limits to abilities and resources, but, I think people should chase the things that seem impossible, or crazy, or difficult. Because, guess what, people have been doing the impossible since about day one of mankind:

• "Noah, go build an ark!" ----> "But what's even a cubit??"
• "Moses, go free the children of Israel." ----> "Bro, I've got a speech impediment!"
• Little David taking down Goliath, a literal giant, with a freaking rock.
• Christopher Columbus sailing to the Americas.
• America winning the Revolutionary War.
• Abraham Lincoln and the Emancipation Proclamation and the North winning the Civil War.
• Martin Luther King Jr. just being a rad dude, pushing for civil rights, but using peace and love
• Michael Jordan making it to the NBA ---> Cue "I Believe I Can Fly" because Space Jam.
• Me on the mission: "Oh, yeah, I love to talk about the Gospel, I totes got this!" ---> "Wait, I've gotta knock on doors and talk to strangers??" ***Didn't die***

These are just a few instances. There are so, so, so many more of ordinary people ending up doing incredible things, because they just went out and did the thing. Most, if not all (I dunno about Michael Jordan) of these instances, God had their back. Most, if not all, God influenced.

I guess, the point I'm trying to make is that dreams are good. It is good to be a dreamer. Yes, I am highly skeptical. But, my skepticism helps me to see that my crazy impossible dream is possible. It just helps me realize that it's gonna take a freaking long time to achieve it - but, with graduation just a few short months away, it's even closer than it was when I came home from my mission 3 years ago.

The world is filled with so many wonders. There are so many dreams. So many things to be discovered, created, and accomplished. "I've heard it too many times to ignore it, it's something that I'm supposed to be!" 

I guess I just wanted to write a little fluff post to remind y'all that read this to take the time stop in your busy life and listen to the voice inside of you, moving you, driving you. What is your dream? What is it that you truly want to do? Is it to be a scientist? A singer/performer? A parent? A world traveler? Whatever it is, chase it! Even if you don't accomplish it, it is in the acting and the chasing of the dream that we find where that dream actually fits into our lives. 

So, I'm going to keep stargazing, keeping seeing the wonder of the world, and I'm going to keep believing that the impossible will happen.

One day we'll find it, the rainbow connection - the lovers, the dreamers, and me!

Guys, I did a thing!

Last night I did a thing: 

I got a hair cut! I don't impulsively get haircuts, but last night I made a quick decision that led to the above result. When I initially got my pixie cut, I thought about it for about 6 months. Since then - three years later - every cut I had was for the same style. A week ago, I started thinking about the possibility of doing something a little more extreme - like cutting the sides of my head super short. I was a little hesitant, though. I was pretty sure I could pull it off, but I was a little bit worried about the look. About half an hour before my hair cut was to happen, I decided I was going to do it...but the worry about how it would make me look was there.

I know I've said multiple times that I never intended for this blog to be about my same-sex attraction, and yet, I keep writing posts that touch on it. But..I guess it's on my mind a lot. It's like it's a part of my life or something! (Don't worry, folks, I have a different post in the works, as well, that is completely unrelated!)

Being someone who struggles with being attracted to girls yet not doing anything about it can be stressful for many reasons. One of those reasons being the worry of how I appear to being - the pictures I post on Facebook, the clothes I wear, how close I get to friends that are girls, and, sometimes, my haircut. I never want to give the appearance of embracing my attraction. I never want it to be unclear about where I stand.

So, in considering my haircut, which could be construed as "butch" I was really hesitant. (Side note: when I texted a picture of my haircut to my sister, her response was, "Every girl I know with that cut is a lesbian." My initial thoughts on the haircut: confirmed!) What if people thought, because of my hair cut, that I decided to start dating girls? What if I start getting hit on by girls? What if people approach me and expect me to be all, "The prophet and apostles are just old, homophobic men, and the church will change its stance," something I don't actually believe?

You know what I decided? WHO CARES?! Anyone who knows me understands where I stand. I've been pretty clear about that. Besides...I freaking ROCK this haircut!

Anyway...the whole reason why I am even writing about this is because, apparently, today is National Coming Out Day. I've already had my "coming out" experience, if that is what you want to call it. But, I think sometimes I have experiences that help me to be even more comfortable with my attraction.

The reason why I decided to get the hair cut? Because I like it! It's like how I like more unisex, even masculine, watches. I like gender-neutral button-up shirts. I don't know if any of that coincides with my same-sex attraction, but, you know what? If it does, fine! No, I don't ever plan on being with or pursuing a life with another woman. But, this is a part of me. And, I'd like to think I pull of my style and my look pretty well!

So, ,my friends, this is me coming out a little bit more fully. I will always be very firm in what I choose to do and in upholding the Doctrine of Jesus Christ, as I believe it. Nothing will ever change that. But, I'm going to be okay being myself. If people are confused or have questions, they can ask me. I welcome questions! But, I'm not going to be hesitant about who I am.

I hope everyone else can do so, too. Even if people (including myself) don't agree with you, you should always do what you feel is right. Embrace yourself, who you are, your quirks, your likes, your dislikes. most important, hold fast to what you believe, to your faith. In doing so you, you will never get too lost or confused. In doing so, you can be secure in who you are.

So, who am I? I'm Beth Ann Root. Nerd. Student. Daughter. Sister. Aunt. I like racquetball. I love pizza and most other unhealthy foods. I like short haircuts that are a little edgy. I don't like make-up and you'll probably never see me with it on. I like girls, but I choose not to do anything about it. ALL of these things make me who I am. And all of these things are okay for me to be okay with.

The good, the bad, the ugly - and the beautiful

I'm a very candid person. I actually had a prospective Pathway student tell me that, the other day, when I was on the phone, trying to answer her questions. She thanked me for being so candid for her. Literally all I did was answer her questions...but apparently people she spoke with before didn't do that very well. *shrug*

This candidness means that I say what I think and how I feel (usually. Sometimes I have tact). If I have a beef, you're probably going to know. I think that developed after being a server at a restaurant, and after 10 months of pretending to be okay serving jerk-faces, I decided I would never pretend to be okay with that junk again. So, I'm wholly me. All the days. You poor individuals.

That means, sometimes people get a whole lot of Beth. My frustrations, my passions, my excitements, my sorrows, my joys, my successes, my pet peeves, you get it all!

This also means that I am very frank about my weaknesses. And, lately, I have been pretty down on myself, which includes pointing out my flaws and my weaknesses - present and past. Not in an unhealthy way (mostly) but, you know, a thing. It's good to be aware of these things. Being aware of your weaknesses allows you to grow and overcome.

I've had a few conversations with some people, lately - old friends, and new friends - that have opened up my eyes a little bit. And, I realized, maybe a little later than I should have, that we all need a friend who can look past the good, the bad, and the ugly inside of us, and just see the beautiful. Today during lunch, I was talking to someone about how much of a butt I can be, and she just looked at me and was like, "What? I would have never guessed!" Granted, she barely knows me. But I had a similar experience with one of my good friends.

Now, of course I'm a butt, sometimes. Like, being sarcastic and teasing people are favorite hobbies. But, when I started talking about specific flaws and weaknesses, they just looked at me and pretty much treated them like, "Meh."

Now, I firmly believe you need friends who can look at you, see all your weaknesses and flaws, and who love you through it. But, today, the epiphany that I had was that we also need friends who can just look through all of that as if none of it is a thing.

Everyone needs a person in their lives who sees all the good, all their strengths, and is in disbelief when they talk about their weaknesses and flaws. Not because that person is in denial of those flaws - like, if you were blatantly rude to them several times, they wouldn't be like, "Oh, you're never rude and always so sweet!" that's not it - but because their eyes don't see the bad. The minuscule issues that we have, the things that, sure, could be and should be fixed, but don't actually define our character as a whole and are really just isolated incidents,  are not the things they see. They just see the things that make your soul beautiful.

You will always have negative in your life. You will always have people who will point out your flaws - including yourself - and that is not wholly bad. But, you also need to be sure that you find people who can see your light.

A theme of my life is most definitely the good friends that I have. I will never stop thanking my Heavenly Father for placing wonderful people in my life. Pretty much all of them have been friendships that just happened, and I sometimes scratch my head and wonder how the heck it happened (sometimes there are friendships where I saw someone that I thought was so cool, so I tried really hard not not show my awkward and actually worked hard to be friends with them. Those usually don't work out, though, because, well, I'm awkward.) It's because God loves me and knows I need stellar people in my life.

I will never stop talking about how awesome my friends are. I am grateful for the reminders the past couple of days that I have light in me and I am good. Sure, I have my flaws and my weaknesses. Sure, there are characteristics I had in my past that I try really hard to not have anymore, and sometimes I fail. But, I am good. And, so are you.

The Doctrine and Love

A little while ago, I had an experience that shook me up a little bit. I'm fairly open about my same-sex attraction, now. I have zero issues discussing it, and I welcome people asking me questions - I think if we all understood the struggle a little bit more, there would be a lot more compassion within the  Church - and just within the world in general. We fear and we hate what we don't understand.

The experience that shook me up involved someone reaching out to me who disagreed with my lifestyle - which is the lifestyle of a girl who is attracted to girls, but does not act on that attraction. I go on occasional dates with boys - in fact, last semester, I went on three dates, and two of those dates, I had asked the boy. I'm not trying to hide what I am or try to pretend to be something that I'm not. One, I can be attracted to boys, but it's just not in the same way. Two, dating is just kind of part of this stage in life; is a social experience to have fun. So, I wanted to participate, and the dates that I went with were with boys that are tons of fun to be around. No big deal. Three, while I fully acknowledge I might not get married in this life, one of my greatest desires is to have an eternal family. So, I'm doing what I can to see that desire become a reality. That doesn't mean I'm denying who I really am; it means I am keeping an eternal perspective instead of acting on my immediate impulses. Kind of like, "Oh, I really want to eat 10 slices of pizza, but I know that when I work out the way that I want to, so I can be healthy, it will prevent me from working out the way I want to." Self-mastery. Temperance. Self-control. Whatever you want to call it.

This person did not shame me from choosing a differently lifestyle from her, but, essentially, her attitude was, "I am an experienced Mormon lesbian, so I understand this more than you." Valid. I'm not experienced in this. She then proceeded to say something like this, "One day, you will find yourself wanting to be with another woman, and you should not hesitate to pray and ask God if you should be with her." And then pretty much insinuated that He would say yes. She proceeded to say The Family: A Proclamation to the World is not canonized, so it does not need to be something we look to as we establish families.

I want to just point out, she was not mean or rude. She was legitimately trying to be helpful and give me encouragement. She wanted me to accept myself. She felt that I was wrong and would one day come to my senses. I could not get her words out of my head. They felt wrong, but, well, they seemed nice. Because, hey. Guess what. The desire to be with another woman is a real thing for me. It's not just some abstract thing. It's not fleeting. I don't just walk by a girl, think "Oh, she's hot," and that's the end of it. Just like people have feelings for the people they interact with in their day to day life, sometimes I am attracted to my friends. At the time of this experience, it was a pretty good friend I was attracted to. For fleeting moments, nothing sounded better than just being able to act on it, to roll with it. For brief instants, I agreed with that woman - of course God would endorse love! God is love, so, why not love between two women?

I did not ask God if I could be with this person. Rather, in those moments of uncertainty, I asked for clarification and for understanding. I asked for strength to do whatever is necessary for me to do in order to fulfill whatever purpose God has intended for me. And then I studied.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World isn't canonized. She is correct. To be canonized, the members. the church has to sustain it. But...it was presented at a General Conference. It was signed and endorsed by 15 prophets, seers, and revelators, who were called of God and given His power and authority. There is a whole religion class/institute class that was designed within the past few years, that is required to graduate from a CES school or from institute, a choice that was endorsed and initiated by the general authorities of the church. I feel pretty good about its validity, and I've received personal confirmation about it, so...yeah, I need to try to live by the standard set before it. Now, to clarify. The Proclamation sets up what the ideal family is. Not every family is going to be able to fit it perfectly, and it even says that circumstances will require individual adaptation. I can confidently say that one of those individual adaptations does not include a homosexual relationship or marriage, and here is why:

Literally every single ordinance you do and covenant you can do for yourself within the temple discusses you reaching your highest potential with your spouse of the opposite gender. The phrasing for those ordinances are not just for funsies. They are purposeful. They are eternal. And they are the covenants that I have made. So, guess what? I break my covenants if I decide to act on my homosexual desires. And, well, those covenants are important to me.

Also, the doctrine, in every book of scripture, emphasizes marriage between man and woman. Husbands are to cleave unto their wives. "Neither is the man without the woman, nor the woman without the man." (1 Corinthians 11:11). The Doctrine and Covenants talks about the importance of man being sealed to a woman, for the purposes of reaching the highest potential. We literally cannot become all that we can become without an eternal spouse, and the doctrine, written in the scriptures, teaches us that the eternal spouse must be someone of the opposite sex.

This is why I have chosen to live the way I live. And, despite what some people might think, it's not lonely (***going back and reading this several months after I initially posted. Imma clarify. It is lonely, emotionally, sometimes but, overall, I rarely feel lonely because of the fantastic support I have). I might be single for the rest of this earthly life - I don't know! - but I am not alone. I still have a family. I have brothers and sisters. I am the favorite aunt to several nieces and nephews. I also have friends. I am constantly surrounded by friends. Sure, it's hard. But so is not having sex before marriage, for some people. So is overcoming pornography. So is choosing not to drink alcohol. So is choosing to forgive. Since when has God asked us to do things that weren't hard? The difficulty of my trial is not unique, and it is no excuse to give in and choose to be with another woman.

So, to clarify: the doctrine does not support homosexuality. BUT!! It does not support hatred. It does not support condemnation. It does not support casting out. It does not support ignoring people, degrading people, or being rude to people. Guess what?? This is hard crap for people! To come to the realization that you are attracted to someone of the same sex, when literally everyone around is telling you that is wrong? Please tell me how that feels. Do you know? So don't judge. If someone chooses to act on that, well, they are just looking for love and acceptance. Youth who experience this are so conflicted! They are afraid of rejection. They are afraid of anger or hatred.

Just because you do not agree with someone or their lifestyle does not mean that you need to hate the person. You don't even have to understand their struggle! We all our sinners. We all have our favorite sins. (One of mine is eating way too much and not exercising at all. Clearly I'm not taking care of my temple the way I should.) So, we love. We try to support people - whether they choose to act on their homosexual desires or not - so that they will always have a family. The minute someone feels like they cannot be honest about themselves or how they feel, they will begin to be isolated. This can lead to depression, anxiety, and suicide. That is not okay.

It is not okay for members of the church to condemn people who choose to live a homosexual lifestyle. You do not need to agree with it, but you still need to love them. You do not need to support gay marriage, but you need to support the gays. They are humans. They are children of God. They need you, and well, you probably need them.

Can we all just be chill, please? Can we stop freaking out because someone thinks differently than you, or believes differently than you, or behaves differently than you? Let's just shake hands or hug it out. Peace, love, and happiness, my friends.

Home

Have I done a post about this song? Yes. Yes I have. It's fine. You can get over it. Should I be in bed, sleeping? Yes. Tell that to my brain, which decided to go into overdrive the minute I got into bed. It's fine. I'll get over it.

Anyway, I was thinking a lot about this song, partially because I went through my driving playlist several times this weekend and partially because I had the chance to go down to Mesa, ever so briefly.

Home is an interesting concept for me. It's definitely a feeling more than an actual place, at least for me. I don't believe is your actual house where you live; for me, at least, home is the place where you feel loved, wanted, valued, cared about.

I feel that in my apartment in Carriage House. I feel that in my Relief Society. I feel that in the Sunday School class I teach. I feel that when I go over to my neighbors' apartments. I feel that when I go to my friend's apartment in Royal Crest and her roommates and her friends now welcome me and expect to see me on her couch.

This weekend, I felt it in the temple, as I was surrounded by family, witnessing my brother be sealed to his wife for time and all eternity. I felt it as my friend accompanied on the 14+ hour car ride there and then another 14+ hour car ride back.

It's comfort. It's being at ease. It's love and sincerity.

My life has been relatively easy this semester. There have been a few things that have come up, some changes at work putting just a few extra responsibilities on my shoulders, and a few instances of hard realizations and conflicts about and with people I care about. Life always has something to through at us, though. I've found myself complaining, and this weekend, as I was reflecting on some things, I realized that it's pretty stupid of me to be complaining so much.

Why? Because I am home.

My favorite lines in Phillip Phillips' song are "Settle down, it'll all be clear. Don't pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear. The trouble it might drag you down, if you get lost you can always be found. Just know you're not alone, cause I'm gonna make this place your home."

Sometimes, we've just got to settle down. We all have negative things in our lives. We all have struggles and sorrows and hardships. Those don't have to make things difficult. Our lives don't necessarily don't have to be hard - it's okay if your life is hard, I'm not saying that you're failing if your life is hard. I'm just saying...if you are forgetting the home that surrounds you, the people who fill your life with meaning, with comfort, and with peace, you're going to have a lot harder of a time. No one can banish demons like a good friend. No one can help you find your way better than a friend who sees the path clearly, and who is ready to shine their light.

I'm so grateful for the home that I have. And, I know that I am never alone, because I have people around me to keep me home.

When Disney teaches Gospel principles

So, I super love the movie Moana. Not only is it a really well done movie, but it also deeply resonates with me. I love water, particularly the ocean. I feel like the journey Moana goes on I feel is very applicable to the things that we have to go through in our own personal journeys in life. I could rant about this for awhile, but I'll just pick one particular thing in particular - warning, if you haven't seen Moana yet and you hate knowing things about plots before watching a movie, this post will likely spoil some things for you. But, I mean, it's a Disney movie, so it's pretty predictable. Read on at your risk.

Before I talk more about Moana, I want to talk about this dude named Moses. I'm sure that you've heard of him before. Freed the children of Israel from the Pharoah, then wandered around in the wilderness for 40 years. He broke some norms to get things done and he had to overcome some fears and weaknesses to answer God's call. My favorite story is when he speaks with God face to face. This experience showed him who he truly was and what his destiny was. Right after this experience, Satan comes and tempts him. Moses' response? "Who art thou? For behold, I am a son of God, in the similitude of his Only Begotten." And then he told Satan to beat it. And then as Satan persisted, trying to tempt him and shake his faith two more times, he continued telling Satan to get the heck out of there because Satan was nothing.

The reason why I love this story so much is because Moses found his strength in remembering who he was and what his heritage was. A Son of God! That meant he could freaking do anything, especially when called upon by God. Moses faced Pharaoh, parted the Red Sea, smote a rock so that water would come forth, spoke and led despite his weakness of speech, and freaking faced off with Satan and came off conqueror! Why? Because Moses remembered who he was.

Ok, so let's bring this back to Moana. My FAVORITE scene of the entire movie is this one (This is where the spoilers start):



Moana is faced with her Satan. She has been left alone and she is trying to answer the call given to her, but she is feeling lost. She has all but given up, but then she is visited by a spirit, who reminds her of who she is. As Moana remembers who she is, where she came from, and where her call comes from, she realizes that she can do what is required of her. Why? Because she is Moana! That is reason enough. Her strength and ability comes from who she is, where she has been, and where she is from. It is the same for us.

I identify greatly with Moana, because I have felt a call from within me. I have no freaking idea how to do it. I have no idea where it's going to lead me. I don't really know where to go, how to get there, and what I need to do. This week, particularly, I've been feeling lost and confused. Discouraged, alone, and like I couldn't quite answer the call that I had been given.

But, guess what, guys. I am Beth Ann Root. And that means something! Not only am I a Root (which, we're all pretty freaking incredible) but I am a daughter of God. With His help, I have already accomplished great things. I might not have navigated a canoe across the ocean and battled monsters, but I have traveled hundreds of miles for the purpose of helping others. I have fought against temptations, inner demons, and jerk-faces who tried to bring me down.

I might not know exactly where I'm going or where this journey will lead me, but I know how to get there - by following the Spirit. I am a wayfinder, because as I journey across my own ocean and treacherous waters, I have my own stars that I am following. At times, it might seem like I am alone, but I will never be alone - just as Moana learned she could keep her loved one in her heart.

So, today, I boldly say: I am Beth! Watch me answer my call.

Now, you go and do the same. :)

Remember

Since coming home from my mission, I've stopped being surprised when someone  told me they have stopped going to church, or they've lost their faith, or that they aren't sure what is true anymore, or that they've decided The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints isn't true. I guess I just became a little bit cynical. This past winter break, though, I had more than one person tell me one of the before-mentioned scenarios, and this time, it stopped me dead in my tracks. For about a month now, I've had this question weighing on my mind. The question: Why?

Why are people, who were so converted - some of these people who gave up 18 months or 2 years of their lives to share the Gospel with strangers - and who helped strengthen my own testimony backing away from the church? I can't imagine any question or circumstance causing me to turn away from the witnesses that I have received from the Spirit about the veracity of doctrine of the church.

I've had the idea for this blog post rolling around in my head for a little while now, but in Relief Society today, as we were discussing the Book of Mormon, I could not stop thinking about it. So, I'm writing it, hoping that it fortifies someone's testimony and just makes someone think.

I had an experience on my mission that was very pivotal not only for the rest of my mission, but for the rest of my life. My companion and I were knocking doors and ran into someone who spent his time trying to convince us that Joseph Smith was a false prophet. He said he knew of some specific things that he had even talked to leaders in the Church about, but no one was able to answer his questions. In that moment in speaking with him, I realized I had a choice: I could choose to wonder if the things this man was saying were true and have it fester in my mind, or I could choose to remember. I chose to remember. My response to this man was to pull out the Book of Mormon and tell him that the Spirit has told me multiple times that The Book of Mormon is true. Because of that, I know that Joseph Smith was a true prophet, because he was the one who translated the book, through the power of God, and that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true. Everything else falls into place, if I rely on that belief.

For me, if I ever have a question about something or I'm unsure about something, I fall back on those experiences that I have with the Book of Mormon. And not just with the Book of Mormon! The experiences I have in the temple, at church while I'm partaking of the sacrament, when I'm listening to General Conference, or when I'm talking with a friend about the Gospel. I choose to remember instead of choosing to let doubts fester. As I choose to remember, I may not have answers to every single little question, but I receive answers.

I know this may seem over simplistic to some of you, but I think it's important to realize the power of remembering. The Book of Mormon repeats it, over and over, because how quickly do we forget?

My challenge to you is to remember those instances when the Spirit has born witness to you of something being true. Fall back on the moments when doubt begins to creep in. Now, remembering will not fix those questions that you have, but are you really willing to leave something that God, through the Holy Spirit, has told you is good and true, simply because someone says something offensive, or your feel conflicted with a certain policy, or someone brings something up that disagrees with your belief about the church? Obviously, all of these things happen. I do not look down on those who do forget or who do question or who do decide to seek somewhere else. But, my question for them is, are you remembering? People aren't perfect. They will do stupid things. They will say stupid things. That's WHY we need the Gospel, yo!

So, I guess the moral of story is...just remember. Don't let questions and doubts make you forget, whether or not you are in the church, have ever been a part of the church, or anything. Just remember.

Oh remember, remember that these things are true, for the Lord, thy God, hath spoken it. Mosiah 2:41