I'm a very committed person. When I'm committed to something, I go all in. I give it everything I've got. But, there's a dichotomy. I also am very lazy. If I don't like a thing or I'm not invested in it, there is no way I'm putting much energy into it. I'm pretty much an all or nothing - or an all or very minimal - type of person. So, I tend to be very particular about the things I get involved in, because I only have so much energy to spend. This also applies to things I do not know much about or when I don't know how to get involved or how to move forward. Because I am a committed person, I don't want to get involved in something that I don't know how to do, because I'm afraid I won't do it well so I don't want to expend energy on it.
So, often times, I choose to be deliberately indifferent.
On May 25, George Floyd was killed when being arrested. George Floyd is not the first this year - or even this month - to have been wrongly killed. George Floyd was the straw that broke the camel's back. And if feels like the world exploded.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to get involved. I feel helpless. I'm confused. My mind has been racing. I feel sick. Last night, I had to put on a movie in order to fall asleep, even though I was exhausted - which I only do when my mind can't handle the silence because of thoughts. I haven't exactly been silent, but I've only spoken up if I've felt safe.
But I don't want to be deliberately indifferent. I don't want to do nothing or put forth minimal effort. I want my voice to be heard. I want people of color - and every other minority - to know my voice is going to support them.
But, I don't know what to say. Because I don't know what's real. Because the media is only portraying half-truths.
But, here's what I do know:
- People have been peacefully protesting for years. And has there been change? Yes. Has there been enough change? NO. And whose fault is that? Ours.
- Children who are abused, neglected, abandoned, and who experience other trauma will act out in order to get any form of attention because being positive has not gotten them what they needed in the past. So, what will a community who has been abused, neglected, abandoned, and who experienced trauma do? Act out, because their peaceful protests did not get them what they needed.
- Often times, peaceful protests are violently and cruelly broken up, without provocation.
- Some riots are not actually done by people advocating for change, but by extremists on the other side, trying to cause panic and pandemonium.
- Both sides have some form of fault - not the fault of discrimination, but when it comes to the finger pointing of violence and such.
- We should be angry at those who have killed, those who defended those who killed, and those who are responding with violence. But, we should be angry at ourselves that we let society stay the way it is.
There's a lot I still don't know, but what I do know fills me with indignation that humans are hurting humans for...being human. It fills me with compassion, because even though there are some people who are responding inappropriately, I understand. It fills me with frustration, because people are focusing on the wrong thing. It fills me with fear, because what if we're raising another generation in abuse, neglect, abandonment, and trauma?
Like I said, I don't know what to do. I don't have a lot of answers. But, a Sara Bareilles song has been going through my head the past few days (go figure). But, it's because I believe that when we look at people as individuals, with feelings, desires, goals, and families of their own, we become more compassionate. And there is nothing I want more than for us to become more compassionate. I'm sure there is much I can do, and I'm going to try to figure that out. But, for now, I'm gonna keep my eyes on the world. I want you to know I've got my eyes on you. I care. I'm invested. And I will act. I will not be deliberately indifferent.
