Keeping it real

There's a line in Twenty One Pilots' song "Kitchen Sink" that used to confuse me, but now I feel like it is a perfect representation of how I feel most of the time.

"Here's a prime example of a stand up guy who hates what he believes and loves it at the same time."

I'm going to be pretty frank and open with this post. I believe in being authentic, but a lot of time when I write my posts, I write about the strength of overcoming and commitment, and less about the day-to-day confusion and frustration.

So, here's the dealio. I believe that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is God's church. I believe it with all of my heart. Every time I read my Book of Mormon, the Spirit testifies to me of it's truthfulness. And, I have a strong testimony of President Nelson. I believe that he speaks for God and he is leading and guiding this church as God would have him. I believe that Joseph Smith restored this church, and that this is the same church that Christ established when He was on this earth. Above all else, I believe in my Savior, Jesus Christ. He is my Redeemer. Through Him, we have the Atonement, which provides us with God's grace, to strengthen us and to redeem us. These are truths I can always fall back on, and because my faith is secure in these foundational truths, all other teachings and principles of the church slide into place.

Now, here's where things get tricky: sometimes, I don't want to live according to those teachings. Sometimes, I think too much has been asked of me. Sometimes, I feel like God has required too much of me, to require me to bridle my passions. I want to be with another woman. I crave that relationship and companionship. There was one night, I got home from work late. It was about 12:30 am. The day had been a little bit frustrating, as well as the day before. I was worn out, emotionally drained, and, more than anything, I wanted a person to go to. Instead, I came home to a dark apartment. My roommates were in bed, which was to be expected, and I'm not super close to them, so I don't know if I'd vent to them about my day anyway. When I climbed into bed, all I wanted was someone to be there with me, to hold me, to comfort me, and to support me. All that week, I felt a profound emptiness inside of me, because the companionship that I was craving was so much more than just friendship. I wanted a person to be with me. I wanted to be intimate with someone - emotionally and physically. And I wanted that person to be a woman.

In these moments, I become so frustrated. And, I become weak. Sometimes I do things I'm not proud of, because of my vulnerability. I try to justify things. Lines become blurry. I feel like my burden to bear isn't fair. Isn't God perfectly just and merciful? Where is the justice and the mercy in being alone for the rest of my life?

Of course, there will be the people who's gut reaction will be to say, "Well, you can always have a boyfriend. You can still have a husband." Yes. You're right. That is always a possibility. And, granted, it is more appealing than being alone for the rest of my mortal probation. But, it also is really hard. What man is going to want to be with a woman who isn't physically attracted to him? Those rare occasions when I go on a date, I usually come home with the thought, "Yep, definitely don't like dudes." Dating and marriage is hard to begin with. Add the complications of different sexualities? It gets so much more complicated and messy. It is rare to find an individual who can work with all of that. I know to some of you it may sound like a cop out. To you, I'm sure it seems more like a toddler stomping her foot on the ground and yelling, "It's not how I want it, so NO!" But it's so much more complex than that.

So, some days (most days, every day, depending on the week/month) I hate the fact that I'm so committed. I hate the fact that I care so much about my temple recommend. I hate the fact that I have this burning testimony. I hate that I know the truth. Because I want to give it up. It'd be so much easier. And, while I know it wouldn't be an eternal commitment, I would be happy. I would be able to keep living a lifestyle that is still similar to my current lifestyle. It would just add a relationship that would make me happy. I get angry. I get desperate. I feel so many things inside of me that I don't know what to do.

But, then, there are other days. Days where I feel God's love being poured down upon me. I know He doesn't like that this is so hard for me. I know He would provide an easier way, if that were the best thing for me. I know He yearns for my lasting happiness, and that He provides things, people, events in my life to help me be happy. And I AM happy. But I'm also often miserable. And I know that, despite my frustrations and misery, there is an eternal perspective, and that eternal happiness is waiting for me.

But, goodness, do I hate that eternal perspective, sometimes!

So, I'm writing and sharing this, not because I want people to feel sorry for me or to praise me for sticking to my faith. I don't want either of those things. This is just me. This is how I am. This is my lot in life. It is what it is. But, this perspective has made some things clear to me.

One: No matter how confident I am feeling, I cannot say if I will remain faithful at all times. I am mortal. I am committed, but I may also hit a breaking point. If I hit that point, I know ultimately, I will feel guilty. But I sure as hell won't need anyone to point out my mistake or make me feel even more guilty. Because it will be my decision to make. No one else's. If I choose to walk away from the Church and its teachings - or even just some of its teachings - what I would hope from people is the Christlike response: love. To be accepted, regardless the choices that I'm making. Not to be the gossip of the group, because I would still be me. One of the most touching moments I had when I was visiting some friends in Utah was when my friend told me that if I decided to pursue a relationship with another woman, I would be welcome in her home, and she would want to meet her, that nothing would change in our friendship. That is what I would hope from everyone.

Two: I cannot judge another person for walking away from the church, or for willingly breaking a commandment. I don't understand what they are experiencing and what drove them to that decision. I have no place to judge them. My place is only to love. We are all sinners. We all willfully rebel, at some point in our lives. The role of a disciple of Christ is to live the Gospel to the best of their ability, love others, teach, accept, and invite. This does not include browbeating, pushing, forsaking, and turning your back. This does not include gossiping, fake friendships, or avoidance.

Three: Everyone you see at church is a sinner. Your bishop. Your relief society president. Your Sunday school teacher. They sin. So, if someone shows up, and you know they were at the bar every weekend for the past month, love them and just be happy that they are there. If you know someone is smoking regularly, but they still are at church regularly, be happy that they are there. Now, obviously, that doesn't mean you don't teach the Gospel. You teach true principles, but don't point fingers and don't hold anyone to the standard of perfection - because you can't uphold that standard, either. The only one who could was Christ, and when He met sinners, He didn't point out their many flaws. He just loved them, spent time with them, and taught them when He could.

So, I guess my message is that I am vulnerable. We all are. I have no intentions of walking away from something that I know to be true. But I also can't say that I never will. But, it also is why I've started going to the temple every week, why I do my very best to read my scriptures every day, why I will go to a ward that isn't my own, because I can't go to my own ward because of work, and why I seek people who fill me with the light of God's love. Because, despite how much I sometimes hate the fact that I'm so committed to Christ and His Gospel...I am committed. I've made covenants, so I'm doing what I can to ensure that I keep them. In the end, I know it will be worth it. But I know that I am weak, so I may end up making mistakes - I have ended up making mistakes. And that's okay. That literally is what Christ's Atonement is for. We have access to grace - to help us repent of those mistakes and to help us withstand our weaknesses. Grace is the only way to keep it together through vulnerability.

 It's okay to be vulnerable, it's okay to be weak, and it's okay to be confused and uncertain. What would this mortality be without a some strife and angst - and the ability to choose despite everything we know and feel?

I Feel My Savior's Love

This weekend I had the chance to go to Utah. I planned a quick trip so I could visit some friends that I hadn't seen in years (and within those years, most of them got married and had kids, or are currently pregnant. Apparently I need to visit people more often...) During this trip, I was completely overwhelmed by the amount of love I felt. Not only from my friends, but also from the Savior.

Life is hard. I think everyone can agree with that. I often find myself focusing on the more difficult pieces, rather than the blessings. As I drove about this weekend, traveling to visit my friends and then driving back to Idaho, I couldn't stop thinking about how blessed I am. I had been feeling really bogged down. I love my job, but it's definitely tough, and I've had a few rough days recently. I've been feeling confused, frustrated, bitter, angry, lonely - like, all the feelings. So, briefly, I couldn't stop myself from thinking that my life wasn't fair, that it was stupid that I had to endure the trials given to me, and I felt like I was hanging on just by the tips of my fingers.

I slowly started getting my crap together, but I definitely could tell that I damaged myself a little bit, by letting those feelings overwhelm me. I let too much darkness in, and I felt a little bit hollowed out. But, I am here to tell you that, this weekend, I have been filled. I have been filled with light and with love. And the whole reason is because God sent His angels in the form of my wonderful friends.

I didn't get to see everyone that I wanted to see while I was in Utah, but God made sure that the people I saw could soothe my soul and heal some of the broken pieces of my heart. This weekend, my friends were standing in the stead of my Savior.

I felt Christlike love as one expressed to me that no matter what choices I made, she wanted to be a part of my life, and she would always support me. I felt Christlike as I confessed insecurities, mistakes, frustrations, and the desperation of my feelings, and the response was to point out Gospel principles and to tell me that they loved me. I felt Christlike love as one gently rebuked me for my frustrations towards other people, who are only as imperfect as I am. I felt Christlike love as hours of time were given up to be with me. I felt Christlike love emanate from those wonderful people, as they ached for the things I said I was going through, trying to understand, so they could support me in the way that the Savior would. I felt Christlike love through their words, making me feel strong, despite how frail and broken I am. I felt Christlike love, because they are what disciples of Christ look like, because they carry His light and live His teachings.

My Savior ministered to me this weekend, through my friends. It was such a sacred experience. And I'm not saying that my friends are, like, these impossibly perfect people. I am a strong advocate for acknowledging that everyone sins - it kinda keeps us from getting to judgey, ya know? So, no, my friends are not perfect. But that's the glory of life, is that we do not have to be perfect to minister and to be disciples. My friends may not be perfect, but my friends love the Savior. They try to do what is right. And that is what really matters. That is why I love being around them, because they are examples to me.

So, really, I just wanted to remind y'all of the power you have to bring light into people's lives. YOU have the power to help those around you feel of Christ's love. I have been brought closer to my Savior this weekend, and I am so grateful for it. Never underestimate your ability to do good, simply by loving others.

Choosing to Suffer

Viktor Frankl was an incredible man. He was a psychiatrist whose theory is unique - even calling it "logotherapy," showing it's uniqueness, as there was nothing like it ever before. One of the things that makes him so important, to me, is what he did before he became so world renowned. He lived in Austria during World War II. Due to his profession, he had connections that would have allowed him to escape Austria and move to the United States, safe from the action of the Nazis and the condemnation of the concentration camps. But, he would have to leave his parents behind. This left him with a very difficult choice. Escape the hardship that he knew would come his way, but leave his parents, or stay with his parents, knowing he could be a strength and support to them in hard times.

Frankl chose to stay. He chose to suffer, and even with everything he went through, he didn't regret that decision. Through his suffering, he learned a great many things - many things pertaining to his theory and his practice. He learned about himself, about others, and about God. He learned there is beauty to be found, even in the most profound suffering.

Sometimes we have decisions in life that are hard. Sometimes we are faced with challenges that will cause us to suffer - and, honestly, sometimes making correct choice, the one that will benefit us as well as the people around us, will cause incredible suffering. In those instances, never choose the path of less suffering, just because it is easier. Only choose it if it is right.

I chose to go on a mission: that brought suffering of a sort into my life that I didn't have before. I chose to go to college: there was suffering alright, there! I choose to remain active in the church: there is an element of suffering in that. I choose to no act on my same sex desires and attractions: Bruh, suffering. I choose to work at a job that makes it hard to have a social life, to go to church regularly, that messes up my sleep schedule and eating habits, and that puts me in regular stressful situations where I am in charge of people's safety and security: suffering.

These are choices that have brought beauty into my life. They have brought meaning into my life. I have learned lessons. I have been brought closer to people. I have grown in strength and in perseverance. I have become more because of my suffering. Suffering makes me compassionate. Suffering makes me understanding. Suffering makes me appreciate people in my life. Suffering makes me self-reflect. Suffering turns me to my Savior Jesus Christ, whose grace I can rely on. Suffering has taught me the importance of never giving up on myself - and on other people.

To switch gears just a little bit, I want to address those who suffer immensely in life, so much so that they feel it is better to remove themselves from this life. My plea to you: chose to stay. Choose to suffer. It's going to suck for a little bit - maybe even for a long while. But, I promise there is beauty to be found, as you choose to stay. There are people to be loved, as you choose to stay. If you can find meaning in your suffering, some purpose to it - compassion, the ability to understand someone else who is suffering just like you, so you can care for them and show them that they are important.



To wrap it all up, sometimes life is going to suck. That does not mean you are doing something wrong. That does not mean you are worthless. That does not mean you should stop and give up - at whatever it is! If you are suffering, you're suffering right there with the best of them: Jesus Christ. He suffered more than any of us ever could. And He CHOSE that suffering. For you. Next time you find yourself going through a hard time, and you feel like you are suffering, just remember: there can be meaning and purpose found as we suffer.

Lessons from Work

So I love my job. I mean, working with juvenile delinquents has it's ups and downs. I'm still learning a lot and have a lot to improve on. I'm still trying to find a balance of responsible staff and the staff who will laugh easily and not fly off the handle or hold a grudge when a stupid choice was made. I'm trying to figure out when to let the group make a mistake and when to step in and tell them to do something else; when to empower their agency and when to take care of things and manage a situation myself. Luckily, it's only been 2 1/2 months, so there is a lot of understanding with the staff I work with.

More than just learning about how to improve in my job, I'm learning important principles in life. While I was driving home from work tonight, I was thinking about what happened during the final checks of the night, before I left. I couldn't stop thinking about it, and the Spirit started whispering some things to me, and I knew I wouldn't be able to go to sleep tonight without writing some of those thoughts. Nothing was new, grand revelation, but just a reiteration of things I have learned before, a reconfirmation and an expansion on those things.

I work with a group of juveniles who have been given the label of sex offenders. When I tell people this, I get a number of reactions. Most of them are a little uneasy for me. When I first was assigned to my cottage, I felt a little bit uneasy. That unease disappeared after about a half hour of being told I would be working with them. This is because of one simple principle:

Yeah, they have made some pretty terrible, and, for some, disgusting, decisions. But everyone - everyone - has the capacity to change. **Let me hold you up right here: some of you are thinking "But,  what about - " No. EVERYONE has the capacity to change. Especially the kids at this facility. They just need help. So they're sex offenders? So what?? All the kids at the JCC are criminals, so why make a big deal about it!! Honestly one of my favorite parts of my job is just getting to know the kids. I honestly enjoy being with them. I love seeing them help others. I feel proud of them when I see them managing their emotions, trying to improve - even if they slip up sometimes - and seeing them have a successful day. I genuinely love the kids at the JCC. They're obnoxious, manipulative, disgusting criminals. But I love them. You know why? Because God loves them. I truly feel His love for them. I can't help but love them, after that.

Tonight, my experience simply reminded me of all of this. A juvenile was struggling with something, and I wanted nothing more than to just hug him and remind him that he is not his past. He does not need to be held back by what he has done or what his group thinks of him, because of who his was before. Maybe it was the fact that he was crying, and when I see genuine tears I turn soft and want to take on the world for that person, to take away all the bad feelings. (Usually, though, I just look away, otherwise I start crying sympathy tears, and because I don't know what to do besides offer food and awkwardly pat their shoulder.) But, maybe it was because in that moment, I saw, just a glimpse, of how our Heavenly Father sees him: a child who is trying to do the right thing and who needs love and support.

We all make mistakes. Maybe we haven't committed a crime and been incarcerated, but we are far from perfect. We need the turn away from our sins just as badly as any criminal does. We all need to rely on God's grace. Who am I to say that I am more deserving of love, kindness, consideration, and help, when I am struggling on the path, same as that criminal? God loves all of His children, no matter what - literally. Sometimes I think we forget that it is also our responsibility to make sure everyone understands that love, and, when we have the opportunity to share it, to feel that love. No matter what a person has done, they will always have the capacity to change, so who am I to hold them back by assuming they will always be defined by what they once did.

So, my message to that young man tonight who cried desperate tears, and to anyone who is reading this: You are not your past. you get to decide, right now, which direction to fact. And, if you are facing your Savior, or, if you are not religious, if you are facing the path of reconciliation, caring and concern, empathy, and productivity, then you don't need to feel discouraged or unworthy. Because you are not your past.

Your Core Truths

Today, I was inspired by this song. I know...for any of you long-time readers, I tend to reuse Sara Bareilles songs, but, I mean, if a song is good, you can't deny it! But, I was thinking of this blog post, which I actually had no intention of adding a song to, and then I listened to "Brave" and it just felt right.

What I love about "Brave" is that it is all about being true to yourself and letting the whole world see it. You don't reserve your core truth for yourself when you're all alone; rather, it should be something you share with everyone who can see you. This can be hard to do, though. I think that sometimes, we ourselves, forget or lose sight of what our core truth is. We get distracted by a whole lot of other things.

I've been thinking about this because I've had people express to me that they feel like I am not being my true self, that I'm denying myself and who I am by choosing to recognize my attraction to girls, yet refusing to act on that attraction.  I understand their concern and I understand why they might feel that way. I mean, I'm all about being true to yourself! I want to be true to myself! But, I guess I see my identity as being so much more than my sexuality. It's one facet of who I am, and it by no means defines me. In fact, let's take a look at exactly what my attraction to women is: feelings. 

I like feelings. Feelings give us depth, can teach us, and connect us to people. But, feelings are not always meant to be acted upon. In fact, there's a scripture in the Book of Mormon that discusses this. Alma, when talking to one of his sons - and not his son who went about gallivanting with a harlot, which I think is pretty significant - says, "see that ye bridle all your passions," (Alma 37:12). Alma was teaching his son about feelings.

We all have feelings that we need to direct and control. That does not mean we have to get rid of our feelings. But, if we feel so angry that we want to ram our car into another individual, punch someone in the face, or yell uncontrollably, we should probably resist that temptation. If we are attracted to someone who is married, we probs shouldn't pursue that individual. If we become so hopeless or depressed, and our coping mechanism is to go to a bar and binge drink, we should probably not do that. Just because we have feelings or tendencies does not mean that we are meant to act on them. Instead, we are meant to bridle them. I feel so strongly about a lot of things, but that does not mean that I am going to go about passionately acting or expressing all of things. In fact, that is something that the kids I work with at the JCC are having to learn - they are feeling things, and those feelings aren't necessarily bad, but when they act on them, then it can be a bad thing.

In the heat of the moment, we can get caught up in what we are feeling and act in a way that actually is not in accordance to our core truth. If I were to act upon the homosexual feelings or impulses, I would be going against my core truths and identity. You see, I made covenants with my Heavenly Father, and so my core truths, which involve integrity, diligence, and faith, mean that rather than act upon those feelings, I choose to keep the covenants that I have made. Just like when I get angry while driving, I may want to say all the swear words towards the other drivers who try to change lanes into me, drive slowly in the left lane of the highway, or don't use their blinkers, but I don't, because I try to uphold my core truth of kindness and goodness.

I will never be offended when someone comes to me, questioning if my life choices actually are an expression who I am. I understand wanting to help someone let their brave out. We all need to be a little bit better at letting our brave out. But, just remember that our brave goes deeper than what you feel, but who you are. And who you are is so much more than just what you feel. It's your values, your identity, your visions.

So, my message to you is to let your brave out, whatever it is. If it's expressed in who you choose to be with, what you choose to study or what career you choose to pursue, what hobbies you pick up, or how you treat people, just do it. And just be true to who you are and to your core. Only you will know what that is, and if you actually are being true to you. No one else can determine that for you.  You will have distractions along the way, That's okay. Just learn to bridle in those distractions. Direct them to actually building you up.

And...just...be you. Unashamedly, unabashedly, apologetically, you.

Chasing the Sun (Part 3)

I've used this song multiple times on my blog, but it's probably one of the most meaningful nonreligious songs I've ever come across. I discovered it a little while after I got home from my mission (after I decided to go discover what Sara Bareilles music I had been missing out on from the previous 18 months of my life) and the lyrics just really struck me.

When I came home from my mission, I was really lost. I knew what I wanted to do, but it all felt so far away. I knew I had a purpose to fulfill, but the steps seemed so far distant. .I wasn't even going to be able to get back into school until the next fall - and I got home from my mission in October. I ended up starting school on September, almost 11 months, to the day, from the time I got home from my mission. That was incredibly discouraging for me, and those 11 months, although there was plenty of good times and plenty of light, were still incredibly dark. So, Chasing the Sun served as a reminder to me, to always be running after my dreams. I have so much to be grateful for, down to the very breath that I breathe, so I shouldn't do anything less than just go out and try. Since then, I've been trying to run full blast towards my dreams. Obviously, I'm not perfect in that. Sometimes my run turns into a meandering stroll, or I feel so exhausted or overwhelmed that it takes all of my power to not just flop down on the ground, and simply stop moving forward. But, I never did.

In April, I graduated with my Bachelor's of Science in Psychology. It was thrilling to have accomplished something that brought me one step closer to reaching my dream, but I knew I still had a long ways to go. I aim to get my PhD, but that requires both money and experience (also, the GRE, but, you  know, that's a completely different beast to tackle). So, I started applying for jobs. I started getting really frustrated, because very few job openings provided very much money or experience that would actually be helpful for grad school or what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. But, there was one: to be a rehabilitation technician for the Juvenile Correction Center. The pay was stellar, the experience was literally perfect, not only for grad school but for helping me figure specifics out in regards to what I actually want to do for the rest of my life, plus, I would actually be helping people. I applied and a month went by, and I didn't hear anything. I ended up getting a job for another company as a fraud specialist, and was told I would start Monday, May 21st. A week before I was supposed to start with that job, I get a call from the JCC, saying they wanted me to come in for an interview. I was stoked, so I, of course, said yes, with high hopes.

After the interview, I was told that I would find out if I would get the job in about 2 weeks. So, I started my other job, each day anticipating a phone call. That never came. The 2nd week ended, and I resigned myself to being a fraud specialist for the next 2 or so years, while I saved up for grad school. So, that Tuesday, of the third week, I check my phone while I was on break, and I had a voicemail from the JCC asking me to call them back - it turns out, for the purpose of offering me a job. So, I quit that day and then started work at the JCC the very next day.

The fact that I have a job at the JCC thrills me, every day. It's not a convenient or easy job. It's not comfortable and I can't be lazy. And I love it! I feel like I'm running full blast towards my dream. I feel like I'm accomplishing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I feel confident that I am where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to do, surrounded by the people who need me and who I need. I am chasing the sun, and it is a beautiful experience.

Probably the most significant thing, though, through all of this, is that I have felt my Heavenly Father's love. He is invested in my life. I wanted specific things, to reach my ultimate goal. I went to Him with every single one, with every single concern, with every single desire, and with every single question. And He gave me literally everything that I needed and everything that I wanted. It could not be more perfect. He was invested enough in my life to respond to every single detail, because it mattered so much to me, and because they all pointed me in the right direction. I know it doesn't always happen that way. Sometimes He points us in a different direction. But I am so grateful for this experience, because it has shown me that when the Lord gives us the option to choose - because each time I would ask Him for direction, He told me to make a decision - He will respond, trusting us to make the right choice.

So, here I am chasing my dream. And, though my life is not perfect, I couldn't be happier.

The Race

This weekend I had the opportunity to support one of my best friends as she ran a marathon. This experience was completely inspiring to me. Part way through her race, she started feeling incredible pain in her legs, particularly her left one. Now, my friend is a runner. She's been running for years, and is no stranger to hard races, but this was worse than what she experienced in other races. Yet, she did not stop. She did not give up. Instead, she kept going until she reached the finish line. The last couple of miles, she couldn't run anymore, so she walked - until the very end, when she was within sight of the finish line and she started running again. I was - and still am - in complete awe of her, for doing what she did. It is nothing less than amazing, and as I have reflected back on watching her race, there have been two thoughts that have been repeating themselves.

The first was inspired from Angela Duckworth's book Grit. I finished reading it on Friday, and one of the last things I wrote in it - I was jotting down notes as I read it - was "Failure does not define you. You define failure."

The second is something that was said at a session of stake conference I attended as a missionary. It was a member of the Seventy, and he said something to the effect of, "Goals are not necessarily meant to be reached. They are meant for us to work towards something," explaining that just because you didn't reach a goal does not mean that you did not fulfill the purpose of the goal.

My friend didn't accomplish one of her goals, within the race. To me, that is completely irrelevant. Why? Because she did literally everything within her power to accomplish her goal and to do her best. Often, we will not be able to control everything we encounter as we work towards out goals. We cannot anticipate every bump in the road. Just like my friend who started feeling excruciating pain, which inhibited her ability to run how she normally could. Her capacities were decreased, but that did not mean she put forth any less effort. For me, to say that she failed would be an utter falsehood. To some, maybe to the world looking from the outside, she failed. Luckily for us, we do not have to abide by the world's standard of failure, Rather, we can look at what we accomplished, not at what we lacked. We will always be lacking. We will always be missing something. So, instead, we should focus on what we have accomplished. Did you do your best? Did you do everything within your power? Did you learn something and grow? Then, you did not fail.

Sometimes not reaching your goal allows you to understand your limits. Sometimes not finishing something the way that you wanted to or were hoping to is an opportunity for growth. You can see what you did well and what you need to improve on. The only failure that is true failure is not putting forth the effort. It's not choosing to act. It's not using the agency that you have been given, the power and gifts that you have to accomplish something.

You're not going to reach every goal that you set for yourself. But, that's not the point of a goal. The point of a goal is to do. If you are acting, growing, working towards the goal, then who cares if you didn't actually accomplish it?? If your goal is a 4.0 GPA, but you only get a 3.95, but you worked diligently for that 3.95, you shouldn't beat yourself up or think your degree is any less valid.

So, the moral of the story? Failure is not when you do not reach your goals. Failure is choosing to not act in full force. You do not have to accomplish your goals to accomplish what you need to. I mean, God intends for us to be perfect, but no matter how hard I try to do that, I'm not going to accomplish perfection within the year. And that's okay.

So, go do a thing. Try to do something incredible. Chase your dreams. And if you don't reach it? Celebrate where it took you - and then do it again.

Nevertheless, We Persist

On Thursday, there was a Relief Society activity that I went to. It was just kind of a get-to-know-you activity, so there were a bunch of creative questions that each of us asked and answered. One of the questions that was asked was, "What is your life slogan?" I've actually thought about this a lot, and I have a handful of philosophies or slogans that I try to define my life by. One of the main ones is, "Get your head out of your butt!" or, it perhaps a less crude way, "It's not about you!" (with some clapping for emphasis) or, in an even more polite way, "See a need, fill a need" (Courtesy of the movie Robots). Essentially, I try to make sure that I am not living a life that revolves around me. I try to be aware of people around me and be sensitive to their needs. If I see something I can do to be helpful, I try to act without hesitating. Obviously, I'm not perfect at this, but I try to lead a life defined by that philosophy.

Another slogan or philosophy that I have been trying to take to heart is "Nevertheless, she persisted." This phrase was coined last year, because of Senator Elizabeth Warren refusing to back down in Senate when she felt her opinion was important to be shared, on moral grounds. Ironically, when she finally was obligated to sit down in silence, another senator stood up to say and read the same thing she was attempting to, without any opposition. While this was happening, to describe was Senator Warren was doing and why she silenced, it was said, "Senator Warren was giving a lengthy speech. She had appeared to violate the rule. She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted." Many people took that phrase "Nevertheless, she persisted," and used it as a rallying cry. Some, for the purpose of their political battle, some for the purpose of fighting in the face of inequality, and some, like me, for the purpose of remembering that it is important to never back down in the face of opposition.

Despite the political entanglements of this phrase, it has come to mean something significant to me. This is because we can find in the scriptures where similar things are said. One of the most impactful, and the one that is the reason why this has become significant to me comes from a very prominent story. One that many of us know well.

Christ was in a garden, praying on behalf of all of mankind. He was suffering, so much that he bled, the agony so great that he was brought low to the earth. And, yet, He said, "Father, if those be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine be done," (Luke 22:42).

Nevertheless, He persisted. He never backed down, even when the opposition was at its most fierce. Can we say the same?

Sometimes crap hits the fan. Sometimes we get depressed, have anxiety, lose loved ones, have bad days, are faced with incredible temptation, get yelled at, are given too much to accomplish in the time that we are given, feel overwhelmed, or just feel like it is unfair what we are given to deal with. What is our reaction in these times? Do we, despite everything, keep going? Or do we give up and walk away? Now, sometimes it is important to reevaluate, to take a break, to give yourself respite, or even decide that something is not worth the pain. But, sometimes the pain is worth it - necessary, even. In those moments, do we choose to, nevertheless, persist?

Persisting in the face of obstacles does not mean that we do so miserably. It means that we look beyond the problem, we understand why we are doing it, and tie it back to something we love. We find the passion behind our choices and move forward.

It is easy to get sidetracked and distracted from the things that we ultimately care about. When we do so, we will lose that passion, and it will become incredibly difficult to persist.

So, refocus on your passion. Why do you do what you do? What is the love behind the choice? In doing so, I promise you that you no matter what comes your way, no matter the trial, the discouragement, or the gloom, you will be able to, nevertheless, persist.

As Paul was facing death, he penned the words, "I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith:" (Timothy 4:7). I hope that, in a similar manner, I can pen the words, "Nevertheless, I persisted."

Build your ship

I've been thinking a lot about Mosiah 18:8-9, lately. It likely has to do, in part, with the fact that I was asked to give a talk in sacrament meeting this Sunday about ministering. I think it's the perfect scripture to explain how we are supposed to minister as Christ ministered.

"...and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another's burdens, that they may be light;

"Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in..."

If we truly desire to become disciples of Christ, these are the things that we will do; if we truly want to come closer to God and do His work, this is what we will be doing. This is how we become closer to Christ. This is how we repent. This is how we become better. We cannot create Zion by thinking only of what we need and what we want. We cannot make it back to live with God if we are only concerned about ourselves and our own salvation. Sure, we may do a lot of good, but we will miss the whole purpose of, well, everything.

Ok, so I'm going to shift topics really quick, and it may seem really random, but I promise everything will come together.

In the beginning of the Book of Mormon, Nephi was commanded to build a boat. Nephi was not a carpenter, but he did not hesitate to do as the Lord commanded, and he built a successful boat. What intrigues me with this story is what is mentioned in 1 Nephi 18:1-2.

"...we did work timbers of curious workmanship. And the Lord did show me from time to time after what manner I should work the timbers of the ship.

"Now I, Nephi, did not work the timbers after the manner which was learned by men, neither did I build the ship after the manner of men; but I did build it after the manner which the Lord had shown unto me; wherefore, it was not after the manner of men."

Nephi built a boat unlike any other boat, and that boat - built by a man who was not a carpenter and not well versed in the ways of boat building or probably even wood working - carried his family across the ocean. He acted according to the directions of the Lord, specific and inspired directions. Each one was meaningful and purposeful.

I once had a bishop mention this story and then mention that we all have ships in our lives: relationships, friendships, discipleship. And the question I want to pose to you is: Do you want your ships to be after the manner of men or to be of a curious workmanship?

Me? I want mine to be of a curious workmanship, because I want my ships to be inspired. I want them to carry people. This is probably going to require me to do things that are unusual to the rest of the world, things that may make me feel awkward or uncomfortable because they go against the grain (and because I tend to always feel awkward and uncomfortable...). But, it's something that is worth doing, because when we build ships after the manner that God directs us, our ships carry other people, not just ourselves.

Which brings us back full circle, to Mosiah 18:8-9. If we are going to call ourselves followers of Christ and His disciples, we need to be thinking of others, carrying others. And, honestly, it's not that hard. Like, it is, because it's a total shift in thinking for a lot of us. We have to learn to think outside of ourselves and be willing to act on any prompting we get to help another person, no matter how bizarre that prompting may be. I want to show you, though, how easy and simple it can be to build these ships and to live by the covenants we make, as discussed in Mosiah 18:8-9.


"willing to bear one another's burdens that they may be light"

The first instance I think of with this concept dealt with me coming to terms with the fact that I was attracted to women. I don't even think I have words to express the burden that felt like. It was so heavy, and I literally didn't know what to do with it. I was terrified by it and that just made it all the heavier. So, after prayer and trying to figure out what to do, I decided I needed to tell someone, but it needed to be someone non-threatening - someone I didn't interact with a whole lot, but still knew me. Someone who, if they freaked out, I wouldn't be required to speak to them again. So, I turned to a sister on my mission. I never served with her, but we knew of each other, had a few conversations, and were at the same Mission Leadership Councils. I wrote her a letter, pouring out my soul, just seeking for relief. Her simple response literally changed my life, because the weight I was bearing all alone suddenly was being shared. She kept my secret, she comforted me, and she told me I was not alone. When she responded to my letter, again, I cannot express in words the relief I felt. My burden became lighter, and I will forever be grateful to that sister missionary and friend for being my confidant and my secret-keeper at that time.

"mourn with those that mourn."

Being a part of a large family just invited family drama. It makes things more exciting that way. So, one day, while family drama was going on, I decided to step in and try to do something helpful. Well, it wasn't helpful, and it ended up in me and a few other people being even more hurt, and it felt like my heart was shattering. My sister came in, and in her wonderful way, didn't say any words, but just held me as I sobbed. There are two reasons why this is significant: we rarely touch each other in my family, but back then, it was even less so. Also, I don't know if I can think of any other instance where someone witnessed me just outright sobbing. In that moment, though, I felt my sister mourn with me. She was mourning the fact that my innocent intentions caused pain and that I felt so helpless. There probably wasn't anything else that I needed in that moment than to just have someone hold me and mourn with me.

"comfort those that stand in need of comfort"

School is always rough. Last semester, which was THE last semester of my undergraduate degree, had a few extra rough moments. There was one day where it all just kind of hit a peak, and I was done. I was stressed about my calling, several final papers and projects, social life drama, and then on top of it all, my dad ended up in the emergency room and because it was insanely busy, it was taking forever to get results. The moment my friend found out I was pretty much at my emotional limit, she came to my apartment, with a balloon, hot chocolate, fruit snacks, and a hug. She listened to me, distracted me, had her fiance come over to give me a blessing, and, essentially, gave me the comfort that I needed to make it through that evening and the next few days.

"stand as witnesses of God"

From my very first semester of college, I have been incredibly fortunate with the roommates I ended up with. Some of them have ended up becoming life long friends. My freshman year, I became roommates with someone who exemplified, to me, what it means to stand as a witness of God in any circumstance. She had family drama and boy drama throughout the almost 2 years we lived together, and whenever anything happened, she always turned towards God. She would try to figure out what God wanted her to do, what He intended for her to learn. Even now, when I visit her and her husband when I'm in Arizona, our conversations often turn towards God, faith, and following His plan for us - and keep in mind, we were roommates before I attended BYU-Idaho, so it wasn't a Church institution. It simply is the way she leads her life: never cursing God, but rather always turning towards Him and trying to help others do the same.

These four people are excellent examples to me of what it means to build ships, not after the manner of men, but after the workmanship of God. They upkeep their covenants by building up others, and I think there is nothing more beautiful than that.

My invitation for you reading this blog is to find out how you can build the ships in your life, more after the manner of God. You have friendships and relationships, and you should strive to make those special and sacred, rather than selfish and isolated. Following God's instructions and the pattern He has laid down before you, your ships will be stronger than those of the natural man.

Be ye therefore perfect

I had a completely different blogpost in mind, but I was reading Elder David A. Bednar's book, Power to Become and he clarified something that I have been thinking a lot about: perfection. He quotes President Russell M. Nelson, who discussed Christ's mandate to be perfect, in Matthew 5:48. He says, "the term perfect was translated from the Greek telios, which means 'complete.'" This is something I think that is mentioned a lot in the Mormon church, but I think how President Nelson further explains is key. "The infinitive form of the verb is teleiono, which means 'to reach a distant end, to be fully developed, to consummate, or to finish.' Please note that the word does not imply 'freedom from error'; it implies achieving a distant objective.'" He goes on to explain that the Greeks could have used a completely different word, if they wanted to mean "freedom from error."

So, let me reiterate the point that President Nelson and Elder Bednar were making: To be perfect does not mean to be without mistakes. Guys, do you know how freeing that knowledge can be? Because, literally, none of us are going to make it through this life without mistakes. I mean, that is literally the whole point of the Atonement: because we would not make it through this life without making mistakes. Recently, as I've been going to the temple and listening to the words of the ordinances and covenants, I've noticed certain words and phrases. Like "clean," or "sins are washed away." The promises are not predicated on being sinless, but on striving for obedience, turning to the Lord, and enduring to the end - finishing our journey. Or, maybe in the words of Paul, fighting the good fight.

So, what I'm trying to say to you all is, stop putting so much pressure on you, on your friends, on the church, because you are not expected to be sinless. Instead, you are expected to be clean. You are expected to turn to the Lord for forgiveness. Now, obviously, this is not permission to go out and sin; it's just reminding you that sin is, essentially, inevitable. You are going to make mistakes. And that is okay. Because we have a Savior that we can turn to. We have help along the way. When we make a mistake, we can repent and be purified and made clean. And the cool thing is, as we continue down the path and become closer and closer to finishing, it becomes easier to make less and less mistakes. AND the Atonement that Christ provided actually gives us strength to withstand and overcome, so when temptations and weakness beset us, we can turn to the Atonement, not only to become clean, but to prevent ourselves from making mistakes.

So, the point of my short and sweet blogpost today is to remind you that it is okay that you sometimes make mistakes. God did not command us to be sinless. He commanded us to repent, become clean, and make it to the end. We should strive to be as obedient as possible, but that does not mean we need to beat ourselves up, degrade ourselves, become hopeless, or believe that we are a lost cause when we do make mistakes.

Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool. - Isaiah 1:18

Unpack Your Heart

My favorite types of love songs are songs that don't have to be love songs. "Unpack Your Heart" by Phillip Phillips is one of those songs. There is no indication that he is singing to a significant other, though it is pretty much anyone who listens to it will assume that it is meant to be a love song. The reason why I enjoy this song so much is because I believe the attitude of the lyrics apply to any one that you love - friend, family, significant other. The brilliance of Phillip Phillips' lyrics is in the idea that when you love someone, you accept all of them. You want that person to trust you enough to lay down everything in front of you: strengths, flaws, insecurities, confidences, talents, fears, everything. Because when we truly love someone, we simply accept them for who they are. That's not to say we do not enable them to sit in their fears and weaknesses, but, rather, that we do not judge them for them.

The very last part of the song is my absolute favorite:

Bring your honor, bring your shame
All your madness I will tame.
Won't you lay down, down your guard?
Share your silence
And unpack your heart.

Not only should we love someone enough to accept someone wholly, but we should love someone enough to be completely vulnerable with them, to lay down our guard. We should be willing to let go of the silence that we carry - we all have things that we keep to ourselves, burdens that we don't share with anyone else, trials we hold in. When we love, we should be trustworthy enough to receive those things, and we should be willing to share those things.

That's not to say we just share those things willy-nilly to everyone. We are allowed discretion, but when you love someone, you should be able to bear your whole soul before them. If you cannot do that, eventually, there are two things you should consider: Do you love them and trust them as much as you should/claim? Or are they someone you can and should trust with your inner most self. If you can't, you should still love them?

I've talked a lot about how my friendships are incredibly important to me. This is because when I came into full realization of my attraction to women, I became scared of my friendships. I became scared to love. Most of my closest friends were girls, and I was so scared of what that meant. I didn't actually trust myself. What if I feel in love with one of them? What if my actions towards them were unconsciously because I was attracted to them? What if I had ulterior motives to wanting to spend time with them? Hanging out, gift giving, buying food for, all the things that I normally did, what if the were perceived to mean something different that what I intended? What if I unconsciously was doing those things because I was attracted to them?

I was really confused, and, ultimately, pretty miserable. The conclusion that I came to: It doesn't matter.

"Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love." 1 John 4: 7-8

Brotherly love is just as important as any other kind of love, and so I came to the conclusion that I needed to be able to move past my fears and worries, and just open up my heart to love. Ever since then, I just try to love fully, completely, and unabashedly. I'll buy meals for my friends. I'll get random little gifts for my friends. I'll do whatever I can to hang out with them. I will bend over backwards to help a friend, if I am able to. Drive a few hours just to spend a little bit of time with someone. It's all worth it.

So, moral of the story? Unpack your heart, my friends. Find friends that you are willing to do so with, and be someone your friends can do the same with you.

This is Me

I have been wanting to write a blog post for awhile, now. I even started one a few weeks ago, but wasn't satisfied with it, so it was put on hold. Right now, though, I have so many thoughts rushing through my head, and I have a massive drive to write, so I'm hoping at least one idea comes out in the way that I want.

I was just talking to my mom about having a voice. We all have so much to say; we have our thoughts and opinions, the things that drive us, and the things that we are most passionate about. How often, though, do we let our voices get drowned out or smothered by the people around us? Do we decide to become complacent, or let people's assumptions about us drive our actions?

I try really hard to have a voice, whenever I can. I speak up, probably more often than I should, and I work really hard to act in accordance to who I am, rather than how someone perceives me. You see, I've learned that it only matters what one individual thinks of me: my Heavenly Father. I understand who I am. My identity is secure. I am a daughter of God. Yes, I have other things that make up my identity: daughter, sister, aunt, friend. Most other labels, though, I don't care about. That's because most other labels are not eternal in nature - so they hold no real power or importance in my life. At least, they shouldn't.

Our voices can be found as we come to understand who we are and why we are important. A scripture story that has become significant to me for the past several months is when God appears to Moses. After He gives His introduction, one of the first things He says to Moses is, "Behold, thou art my son," (Moses 1:4). BAM. The first two things God says to Moses is to explain who God is, and then to explain who Moses is.

Once God leaves, Moses makes the statement, "Now for this cause I know that man is nothing, which thing I never had supposed," (Moses 1:10). Just a little while later, Satan comes to him and tries to tempt him, attempting to get him to worship Satan. Moses' response is, "I am a son of God," (Moses 1:13) and it is this statement and this knowledge that gives Moses the power to withstand all of Satan's temptations. The two things that Moses states can seem a little bit contradictory. But, let me elaborate a little bit.

Compared to God, man is nothing. Yet, the very fact that we are children of God gives us greatness and power. Think of a toddler compared to his dad. The son is watching his dad fix something in the house, maybe something wrong with the kitchen sink. He tries to imitate his dad, but he is clumsy, unsteady, and unfamiliar with the tools. Compared to his dad, he does not have much skill and, obviously, would be seen as a rather terrible plumber. That's how we are, compared to God. We're just fumbling along through life. We are nothing, compared to God's flawless skill and knowledge.

Good thing our worth does not come from who we are compared to God. Instead, it comes from who we are TO God. We are His children. Therefore, we are of infinite worth. Nothing else matters - no, really. Let me repeat that. Nothing else matters. I don't care where you come from, what you have done in your past - heck, what you have done a half hour ago - or how you feel about yourself, YOU are a child of GOD. Therefore, you are significant. You are important. You have worth. You are enough. Those things will always be constant, because of who you are. Whether or not you see that? Well, that depends on you. When you compare yourself to the people around you, when you put meaningless labels on yourself, when you look towards God as an obstacle, because you're falling short of His expectations for you, rather than the one who helps you when you fall short of those expectations, you may have a hard time having a voice. But, when you realize that you are a child of God, significant to Him, no matter what mistakes you make or characteristics you have, then, then you will have great power.

I've mentioned a few times that knowing who I am has given me strength to overcome my temptations and handle my weakness. I will repeat it over, and over, and over again. I will be your strongest advocate when the world tries to tear you down - even if you try to tear yourself down. YOU ARE IMPORTANT. You have worth. Own you. Own your flaws. Own what makes you you.

Me? I love music. I love sarcasm. I'm a nerd. I'm a book worm. I'm awkward. I love pizza and hate peas. I'm a loyal friend, but I can also be clingy and annoying. I love to work hard and be busy, but I also am really lazy when I don't have specific things to do. I complain a lot. I am attracted to girls. I play racquetball. I'm terrible at arts, though I love appreciating art. I'm really bad at drawing, but I am pro at coloring in coloring books. So many things. And they are part of what makes me me. I'm not ashamed of any part, though I do try to improve, smooth the rough edges, and become better. I am me. I can move forward with confidence because none of these things are actually important. What is important is that I know I am a daughter of God. He will put up with those things, because He loves me, and He will help me when I turn towards His embrace. I can't become confident in myself without Him and understand who I am to Him.

I encourage you to take some time to think about who you are to your Heavenly Father. I promise you that when you come to understand your identity, in the most eternal sense, you will be able to conquer the world. Also, if you need a little bit more help and encouragement, I'm sure Lettie, the Bearded Lady can help you out.



If you have a few extra minutes or if you would like to study this idea further, you can watch a video from a magnificent speaker who tells about overcoming his embarrassing label of "Loin Boy," watch or read Elder Uchtdorf's talk, "You Matter to Him," or read the entire account of Moses' experience.

Sabbath Gratitude

As I was studying my scriptures this morning, I started reflecting on this past week, I was filled with gratitude. It hasn't been an easy week - I doubt within the next 3 months I'll have an easy week, because that's just life right now - but that does not mean that it's been a miserable or terrible one. God has blessed me greatly, and I just feel like it's worth expressing.

This week I am grateful for:

• A presidency who is willing to work with me so we can do what is necessary for the sisters we are over.
• I got a crap ton of homework done each day, always more than I thought I was going to get done
• Racquetball games, so I have at least 2 workouts a week that I actually look forward to.
• Professors who are willing to accommodate assignments to fit my crazy schedule
• Friends who spontaneously bring me Taco Bell on a day where I probs wouldn't have ended up eating dinner, otherwise.
•  Mornings when Pandora plays only the songs that I want to listen to, and I don't have to skip a single one.
• Head scratches given by the Kendra, which allowed me to go to sleep after drinking caffeine
• Friends who run across campus just to say hi.
• My girl, Teonna, pretty much being my social life and not getting sick of me as we play racquetball, get frosties so I can have real talk about my life, and go watch The Greatest Showman because I rarely go to the movies just for funsies without someone convincing me that it's worth it.
• The Spirit who gives inspiration, comfort, and helps me to focus when I super need to get homework done.
• Coworkers who become your friends and make work fun to go to.
• Classes that are super interesting so that I enjoy what I am learning and the assignments that I work on.

There are a lot of things to be grateful for, if we are able to take a step back from all the negative we may be feeling and thinking. Life can be stressful and hard to deal with, but it will always be even harder and more stressful if we neglect the blessings that we are given.

What are you grateful for, today?