“It’s ok to be completely alone if you are standing with
Christ.”
The other day at the temple, I was pondering an impression I
had received. It was an impression to do something that would be incredibly
difficult for me and scared me more than I care to admit. I began praying
fervently and desperately for a confirmation, so I could be certain that it was
the right thing to do. I received that confirmation, and then I prayed for
another one – and then another one. Heavenly Father patiently responded to each
plea, until He finally was like, “Beth. You’re
fine!”
He did this through my roommate, who, when I asked her a
question, told me, “It’s ok to be completely alone if you are standing with
Christ.”
Those words pierced my heart as I realized that this was the
reason why I was so hesitant and fearful to act upon this prompting: because I
was scared of losing people in my life and being alone.
You see, I have a secret. I don’t have very many of them,
because I don’t like secrets. I’m pretty open about my life. But there’s this
one that very few people in my life already know about. And the Spirit
whispered to me to no longer keep my secret.
So…here it is. My secret? I struggle with same-sex
attraction.
Whew.
It actually is relieving to say it. The few times I’ve
shared it with people, it’s been like this weight was lifted off my shoulders.
It’s always terrifying as I’m doing it and as I’m waiting for people’s
reactions, but once it’s said and done, and I look into the faces of my friends
and loved ones, I’m just like, “Wait, what was the big deal? They love me. They
support me.” And I feel like I can conquer the world.
When I first admitted to myself that this was, indeed, a
real struggle of mine, I couldn’t imagine that being the case at all. I
couldn’t imagine feeling relief. All I felt was confusion, dread, anxiety, and
frustration. I was in a bad place – not because I faced a moral dilemma, but
because, here I was, experiencing feelings, impulses, thoughts, and desires
that were completely contrary to what I firmly believed in. It didn’t shake my
faith in the Gospel; it shook my faith in me.
I knew that I wasn’t going to abandon what I knew to be true about the Plan of
Salvation and the purpose of life. But, I didn’t know what I was going to do.
Now, I suppose I should clarify, here, that although I deal
with same-sex attraction, I do still also like guys. The attraction is
different though. Maybe I’ll explain the difference at a later date.
Thus, my situation is not like others who are attracted to only their own gender, or those who
might actually associate themselves as gay or lesbian. That’s something I feel
like I can’t label myself as, because I don’t act upon those feelings or
impulses. Instead, I choose to be defined by my actual choices.
As I came to terms with this weakness – temptation,
struggle, I still don’t know what to call it – I came to the conclusion that if
I kept up my spirituality, with scripture study, regular prayers, temple
attendance, etc. then those feelings would be kept at bay. I felt like it
worked for a while; in reality, I wasn’t social at all, so I didn’t really
associate with anyone outside of my family. Those feelings wouldn’t have been a
problem in those circumstances.
Then, my social scene changed; I moved up to Rexburg to
attend school at BYU-Idaho. This meant that I was rooming with 5 girls. Many of
the friends that I was making were girls. And the attraction began to be
something that I had to deal with again. I really struggled with this, because
I was diligently reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, attending the
temple, and fulfilling my new calling. Shouldn’t that have meant that I wasn’t
feeling this way? I felt like the Lord abandoned me,
because He wasn’t
preventing this. He wasn’t protecting me from it.
News flash: The Lord doesn’t work that way! He wasn’t going
to take away this challenge from me. Yes, He was definitely going to bless me
for my diligence and efforts to upkeep my spirituality. He strengthened me, He
uplifted me, and He enabled me to continue living the principles of the Gospel
as I know and believe them.
This help that He gives me doesn’t mean that I understand my
situation completely. I don’t. I don’t know if I ever will. I also can’t
pretend to understand the exact situations that others who experience same-sex
attraction are in. Each is slightly different. All I know is that my purpose
here on Earth is to become like my Heavenly Father. That’s why we were sent
here; that is our greatest potential. And who is Heavenly Father? In the words
of a wise man I know, God is a family man. The Gospel teaches that we each are
destined to have an eternal family, that exaltation with the Father is
impossible without Celestial marriage and a celestial family. Does this mean
that every righteous, Gospel-living individual is going to get married in this
life? No. But, if eternal life is your goal, family should be your goal. If you
are fairly certain marriage is not in the cards for you in this life because of
same-sex attraction or whatnot, family should still be something you yearn for
and hope for in the eternities. Parenthood is our divine nature; we know we are
not complete without someone of the opposite gender. Family is an eternal
principle and should be treated as such. Everyone should look towards it,
whether in this life or the next.
Along with a strengthened testimony of the family, this
challenge in my life has taught me many things.
I’ve learned a lot about friendship. Did you know that the
scriptures actually teach about friendships? About brotherly love? I may not
have much experience in romantic love, but I have learned a lot about brotherly
love. I’ve learned the value and importance of friendships. I’ve learned that
they’re absolutely necessary for me to progress in this life. I’ve learned how
to be a better friend, and how to let people be good friends to me, as I’ve
trusted them and opened up to them – and not just about my same-sex attraction.
My fear of being alone is slowly diminishing.
I have also learned that when the burden gets to a point
where it seems too heavy to bear, that’s when it’s time to lift someone else’s
burden. Somehow, in doing so, yours gets lighter. Through my struggles, I’ve
learned to look at other people’s needs. I strive to help people. I now find
incredible joy in being able to help people in any aspect of their lives.
Lifting up another person lifts me, as well.
Most of all, I have learned about my Savior, Jesus Christ.
There have been dark times when I have felt utterly alone, lost, and confused.
In those times, He was there. I have learned that it is ok to be completely
alone if I am standing with Christ. He will always stand with me.
I’m trying my best to make sense of this crazy, confusing
life of mine. All I know is that I’m not going to let this weakness of mine
define me. Instead, I’m going to make sure it becomes a strength. A strength in
the sense that I’m learning and growing from it; in the sense that other people
who are going through similar struggles can be strengthened and persevere
through their own trials; in the sense that those who don’t understand what
it’s like to have same-sex attraction can learn to be sympathetic,
understanding, and non-judgmental about something that’s just…a thing.
My name is Beth Root. I’m attracted to girls. I also like
boys. My life can be pretty confusing at times, but…I’m betting yours is too.
We’re not that different, you and me. We’re just on this road to life. I’m writing
my story to help others through their confusing times. Your story can probably
help others, too.
Do me a couple of favors, will you? Share my story with
your friends - through Facebook or whatever. I’m doing my best to be bold so I can help others. Help me with
my goal? Also, write your own story. We each a have a story - some have more than one - to
tell. Tell one that can change the world! You have one, waiting for you to
share it.
