Kitchen Sink

About a year ago, I started developing a deep and abiding love for Twenty One Pilots. Not just the trendy, popular songs, like Stressed Out and Heathens, but their more obscure songs - and their popular ones. Pretty much every one that I hear I grow to love.



The reason for my newfound love for their music has to do with the reality of their songs. Yeah, their style is very different than, say, Sara Bareilles, who pretty much any one who even glances at this blog would be able to figure out, but their lyrics are clever, clean, and speak to my soul. When I was dealing with my episode with seasonal depression last year, I could relate to many of their songs and, in fact, found strength and good reminders within the lyrics.



The end of this past semester was pretty brutal on me. I'm a high-strung person who is naturally very stressed. I'm anxious, but not unbearably so - at least, until a few weeks ago. I started dealing with anxiety and panic attacks, and the constant anxiety was on a completely different level than what I was used to. It wasn't my favorite experience. And it wasn't anything I had ever experienced. Yes, I've had bouts of depression, but never bouts to true, exhausting and nearly debilitating anxiety.



As I've dealt with these experiences of depression and, now, anxiety, I've learned a couple of things. One, depression and anxiety will never define me. It's just another thing. It's not going to be a permanent thing in my life - thank goodness. I know not everyone does not have that experience - and even if it was, while it would drive some of my behavior, it would not be who I was. Now, I think a lot of people might get a little confused by that.



I believe there is a danger in identifying as the diagnosis. "I am depressed" can be dangerous, as opposed to "I have depression," or even "I am deal with," "struggling with" or "experiencing depression." One becomes your identity and the other just becomes a thing in your life. This idea actually gave me strength the past few weeks, as I was having my anxiety attacks. It was something I was battling, rather than something I was - which meant, I could conquer it. Anyone who knows me well knows I am a fighter. I fight in everything that I do. I am not a passive observer in my life; I work hard and do not back down. Dealing with anxiety was no different.



Now, I want to point out that I do not believe in masking things like anxiety or depression. In fact, I think denying or hiding them intensifies the experience. Rather, you need to admit that it's something you are dealing with, something you are feeling and experience, and then do something. You're having a bout of depression? Instead of lying in bed all day, get up and brush your teeth. You don't have to go run a marathon, or even interact with humans, if that seems impossible. But do something. Even if that something is just putting on a change of clothes. Don't hide the thing, but also don't wallow in the thing. If you're having an anxiety attack, find what grounds you - the cold winter air. The sound of water in nature. Being able to see the stars. Having a friend with you - and then make sure you do something, whether it's going outside in the cold or, if that is too hard, texting a friend who knows what grounds you, and the only effort you have to put forth is sending the text, "Help," or whatever would help them understand what you need.



I totally get that, for some, I am oversimplifying things. Sometimes the battles that we face are really difficult, much more difficult that I have experienced or what others can even fathom. I'm not trying to trivialize what those experiences are like. What I'm trying to say, Tyler says best in the song shared above:



Are you searching for purpose? 

Then write something, yeah it might be worthless, 

Then paint something then, it might be wordless,

Pointless curses, nonsense verses.

No one else is dealing with your demons,

Meaning, maybe, defeating them could be the beginning of your meaning, friend.



These experiences that we have can be crippling, in those moments. But don't let them cripple your for forever. Make something of them. Battle them. A lot of times, when we are facing these things, we struggle to find meaning in our lives; we lose sight, because we are so bogged down. It can become impossible to see why our existence is even significant, because all we feel is darkness, sorrow, fear, pain, panic, worry.



You know what I say to that - in the kindest and most loving manner - fight it. Make something of yourself! Create your purpose. Once you do, you become powerful. I promise you that even in your weakest and darkest of times, you can do something incredible with whatever you are feeling. I've seen beautiful pieces of writing and artwork come from those experiences. I've seen incredible compassion, because someone understands struggle. I've seen barriers broken, because people fought for others, after experiencing such pain.



Don't let your demons take away your feeling of significance; rather use those demons to give your life meaning. Because the meaning is there.



Most important, you are not alone. While others may not know what it is like to struggle in the exact way that you are struggling, you are not alone in your struggle. That is one of the most valuable lessons I learned this past semester.



Anyway, at this point, I'm just rambling, but the moral of the story is: Don't back down and don't give up. Please.