I was able to spend the weekend in Sedona at a resort with some friends. It was so much fun and I loved being able to take a weekend off with some spectacular people.
But, I gotta tell you, things didn't go down the way I expected. In my brain, anyway.
My brain decided to try to sabotage my vacation, which, I gotta tell ya, is super frustrating when I'm trying to take a break from the things that stress me out because the break becomes stressful, but I was able to keep myself in check and still have a great time and - hopefully - not be a mood killer for my friends.
Despite being exhausted, I couldn't sleep tonight, and after about an hour of laying in bed with the anxiety thoughts racing around, I decided to write a poem that's been sitting in my brain for a while.
I haven't written a poem in a hot second, so it's definitely rough. But, in its imperfect and unpolished words, it explains what my anxiety has been for me recently.
I'm only sharing because it's mental health awareness month and I believe in transparency and striving for authenticity. Also probably because I'm very tired and can't sleep, which means I do impulsive things that I might regret in the morning, like sharing my poetry.
My anxiety makes me question my
humanity.
Am I a person capable of rational
thought
Or an animal driven by fears and
perceived dangers?
The dangers of
Failure
Rejection
Incompetence
Inadequacy
Loneliness.
When the animal consumes me
With the possibility of danger
The fear becomes reality.
Rejection and Loneliness
Realized by pushing people away
Or snapping in irritation –
Not irritated by them but by
myself;
Failure, Incompetence, and Inadequacy
Because never trying and running away
Means never succeeding.
Friends become enemies,
Whispered words become pointed
attacks,
While I wonder
What I did wrong.
But what is real?
Opportunities for growth
Become weapons against me.
I cannot let myself be anything less
than perfect
So I cannot take the risk.
What is the animal’s voice?
All the while,
So focused on myself
Consumed by the dangers
I miss the beauties and
Goodness around me.
The friends who reach out,
Full of love and kindness,
Eager to share and laugh.
The chances to learn and to
struggle,
Expanding compassion
And chances to serve.
These are all lost
In my world of fears and dangers.
Will the animal ever give me back
My humanity?
