Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.
For the past while, I have had a hard time not isolating myself. Part of it was because finding a social scene after graduating and then getting a new job with an inconvenient schedule was really hard. Part of it was because I started having a hard time with things. Part of it was personal insecurities, worries, and fears. As I started getting out of my funk, I recognized that I was isolating myself and would make occasional attempts to reach out to friends, as well as had friends reach out to me. But, I wasn't very consistent at it, and I became very comfortable sitting in my room, by myself, watching Netflix for hours on end.
It wasn't until a few months ago that the Spirit very strongly indicated to me that this was not good enough for the Lord. How in the world was I supposed to make a difference in the world if all I do outside of work is sit on my butt watching Netflix, by myself? I missed doing things for others - service in any form has always been incredibly important to me and has brought me a lot of happiness - but it was nearly impossible for people to recognize that I was available to help them or for me to know what I could do to help others if no one ever saw me. Essentially what the Spirit told me was, "You can't be a disciple of Jesus Christ if you sit in your room by yourself all day."
So, I told myself that I needed to start being social again and start reaching out to my friends again. The only issue was...I didn't really know how to go about that. I am really uncomfortable in settings where there are large groups of people and I don't know very many people, so going out to activities is really difficult for me without a person by my side. My work schedule usually means I'm home when everyone else is in school or at work, so trying to plan things with my friends can be difficult. I also have this weird complex where I'm insecure in my friendships, so I am constantly worrying if I'm being annoying by always wanting/asking to spend time with people and don't want to cross boundaries, and really I just overthink literally everything. So I just kinda tapped out and only put forth a half-hearted effort.
I was always thinking about it, though, and trying to figure out how the flip to act on that prompting. Then, I had a friend who had come home from her mission move back up to Rexburg. I was pretty stoked about this and I made plans to meet up with her. I met her roommates, who were super friendly and weirdly invested in me (to me, it was weird, because that's not how I react when I first meet someone because strangers make me nervous and if I appear otherwise, it is because I have gotten good at pretending like it's not a thing) and then, all of a sudden, I was friends with the whole apartment. And, all of a sudden, I was over there on my days off. And, all of a sudden, even when I wasn't at their apartment, I still wasn't in my room watching Netflix but doing somewhat productive things. I was going to the temple with more frequency. I was making plans with other friends.
But, more than that, I felt like I was slowly remembering how to be myself again. The past year and a half caused a lot of change in me, and not all of it was in the right direction - though, not all of it was bad and some of it was necessary. My job requires me to be skeptical and cautious. I can't be ready to trust or be soft-hearted, or I'll be easily manipulated and unable to face the sometimes ugly realities and truths. This then permeated my every day interactions, and I became cynical, closed off, and a bit prickly (I mean, I've always been prickly, so, like, more so). My struggles led me to have some unhealthy habits and coping mechanisms which meant I was not as ready to smile as I used to be and I had some darkness to shed. I also became even more dedicated (and stubborn) in my faith, which obviously is good, but I also allowed the stubbornness to affect the way I shared some of my views and opinions - and that way being very loud and maybe more aggressive than assertive.
As I started spending time with friends, especially the apartment of sudden and new friends, I saw so clearly the rough, harder, and darker parts of me start to change to smoother, gentler, and lighter parts. I felt like a weight was lifted. I was happier. I laughed more. I was thinking outside of myself. I felt like me. And it happened so quickly! It was almost like the Lord became so exasperated by my awkward and rare attempts at being social that he handed me these individuals and was like, "Here you go! Now get back to being you and doing the good things you used to do and being with the people you love!"
So, I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I have been blessed with people who sharpen my countenance - who bring me closer to my best self and to the person I want to be. I've always believed God has deliberately placed people in my path and He has always placed quality people. I'm incredibly grateful for those friends I've had the past 26 years, because I really wouldn't be the person I am today. The friends who have loved me, called me out on my crap, been patient with me, taught me, put up with me when I was not the easiest person to be with, who have brought light into myself, and who have helped me become who I am now.
I also want to reiterate the importance of solid friends. They don't have to believe the same thing, like the same things, live in the same state, or be in the same position/stage in life as you to be a good friend. Without those special individuals, there is no way we can become all that we can or do all that is possible for us to accomplish. And there is no way we can be our happiest. And our friends cannot do the same without us.
Thank you to all who have sharpened my countenance. Because of you, I am currently the happiest I have been in awhile. It feels good to no longer be in my room by myself.
