Sara Bareilles. My home girl. Super talented, and while this song may seem super random in regards to what I am about to talk about, don't worry, I'm going to tie it in at the end.
It's been awhile since I've posted. That's because, one, I'm working full-time right now, and all of my free time is spent either sleeping or actually being social. And two, I'm working on another blog post, but it's taking a lot of time, effort, and thought.
The idea for this blog post has been rolling around in my head for a little while. I've been a little bit hesitant to actually do it for a couple of reasons. One, when I shared with you all about my same-sex attraction I never intended to then use my blog as a venue to continue to talk about it. Two, some of the things that I'm about to write get way real. It forces me to be real with myself, to lay bear my fears and my weaknesses.
The reason why I AM writing and sharing this is because someone recently asked me some advice pertaining to one of their loved ones who has the same struggle. After the short communication, I thought that it might be beneficial to share with people a little glimpse of what it is like to have this struggle.
Now, remember, my experience is not like everyone else's. But, this might help you understand a little bit of my life, as well as others with similar struggles.
As I said in my original post, I am also attracted to guys, but the attraction is different. The difference is that I'm attracted to girls physically. As in, their body. As in all the things the natural man in me wants, craves, and is tempted with are physical. When I am attracted to a guy, I have to put effort into it. Yes, I'll find a guy cute, but I have to take into consideration of his personality, his talents, his goals, and then he becomes legitimately attractive to me. As in, I want to spend time with him, know him better, be a part of his life, AND have that physical relationship with him.
So, that's kinda a brief explanation of my dealio.
Here's my life:
- I'm often afraid of physical contact with girls. One, because I'm not a touchy-feely person to begin with. Two, because I'm afraid of that contact giving me thoughts and feelings I don't want.
- Although I'm afraid of physical contact, I hate people having to change their own natural behaviors, and so I don't know what to do and I just feel awkward and uncomfortable.
- I'm afraid of forming friendships with girls. I'm afraid of what others who know of my struggle might think. I'm afraid of what that friend will think of my intentions. It becomes difficult for me to actually outreach.
- I get really discouraged when I try to put forth effort in showing interest in a boy that I'm attracted to and nothing seems to come of it, because, heck, I put forth a LOT of effort to like a boy!
- I'm afraid of what might happen if I start dating a boy who doesn't know of my struggle and then I have to tell him. What will he do?
- I'm afraid that I won't get married and have a family, when, freak, I want to be a mom so bad!
- I'm afraid of losing friends when they find out about my struggle, because they feel uncomfortable - even though I've never yet experienced that.
- I'm afraid that guys won't ask me on dates because they know of my struggle.
- I hate some of the dreams I get at night.
- I get frustrated by comments made at church or by church members that, though are said innocently, can be discouraging and hurtful to those with this struggle.
- I live my life normally and do all the things I would have done without this struggle, but it is always in the back of my mind because I'm afraid of letting my guard down.
- I'm afraid of getting to comfortable with a friend and not keeping my feelings/impulses in check.
- I constantly feel like I have to be careful how I act, or the pictures I post on Facebook because I don't want people to think I am acting on the temptation.
- Sometimes my stress and irritability is simply because I'm dealing with life and all of these fears in the back of my head.
- Sometimes I second guess my behavior with my friends, because I'm so worried about giving into temptation.
I have gained strength, though. I've learned about who I am. This struggle, it's rough sometimes. Sometimes the fears get the best of me. Some days are just rough. But, as Sara Bareilles sang about in the song at the beginning of the post, I have become an island.
That does not mean I stand alone. That is not what Sara intended to be taken away from her song. In an interview she said, "It's not about shutting people out, it's about figuring out who you are at your core." I am not my fear. I am not my struggle or temptation. I am Beth Ann Root. Awkward, yes. But, also a friend. Loyal. Determined (or stubborn). I don't wear make-up and I rock the short hair. I love fancy watches and button-up shirts. These are the things that make me up. Not my fears, and not my temptations.
At my very core, I am a daughter of God who is doing her best to reach her fullest potential. I'm living my life, loving my friends, my family, and my life. If I concentrate on that, many of the fears slip away. And, if people focus on my core and who I am, the rest of the fears slip away - and if people don't look at my core, then, well, I shouldn't waste the time caring what they think.
Real talk: done. Now, go watch some Studio C to lighten up the mood I just created.
