Amidst the Chaos

"We did not give up on love today." - Sara Bareilles

Last year - back when live concerts were still a thing - I went to a Sara Bareilles concert. It was an AMAZING experience. While there, I bought a hoodie, because I felt like it called out to me. One the sleeve is that quote from her song Orpheus. "We did not give up on love today." It resonated within me, but I couldn't really articulate why. Due to my circumstances, romantic love isn't really something I'm focusing on or searching for, so a line this normally wouldn't jive with me. Today, I realized why: because I want to fight for love. 

Last month, those of us who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints had the opportunity to listen to several men and women of God declare that we needed to strive for unity, compassion, and understanding with everyone. President Oaks, in particular, reminded us that Christ mandated that we need to love everyone. Guess what? That includes our enemies. In fact, Christ specifically said that. 

"Don't stop trying to find me here amidst the chaos. Though I know it's blinding there's a way out. Say out loud we will not give up on love now."

There's a lot of chaos going on in the world today. I feel torn apart. Voices from all sides calling out. And the loudest and most frequent ones are terrible. They are hateful, disparaging, intolerant, accusatory. They refuse to listen to others. You can't disagree with them without being called a tyrant, a bigot, uneducated, or worse. There is such a lack of love. In fact, I usually see, "Block them. Unfriend them." But...where is the love? Where is the compassion? Where is the understanding?

I have friends that voted for Trump. I don't believe in unfriending them or getting mad at them, because they voted for him. I don't believe it automatically makes them racist, homophobic, or transphobic. And...honestly? Even if they were...I probably would still be friends with them.

Let me explain: I used to be homophobic and transphobic. Because I didn't understand. But, I changed. Why? Because of my experiences, exposure, and just, you know, life in general changing me. (Realizing I'm gay certainly helped move things along, but I think I would have gotten there eventually.) I'm grateful that my friends didn't leave me, because my lack of knowledge and understanding caused me to have ignorant attitudes. I used to be a bit insensitive and, honestly, I probably was a bit racist. Even now, I actively work to not say insensitive things and try to correct any racist attitudes I might have. Ibram K. Kendi discusses that the opposite of racist is anti-racist rather than simply "not being racist." In fact, "not being racist" isn't really a thing. As he explains it, you can either be one or the other. You're either racist or you're actively fighting against racism. That means even if you are not actively saying things or actively practicing racist attitudes, if you're not speaking out when you witness racism or striving to help make positive changes, you are, by sins of omission, being racist. This means that there have been times - probably many times - where I have been racist. Like I said, it is something I try to be very conscious of. I'm very grateful for the friends that I still have, despite the fact that I am not perfectly anti-racist. 

The moral of the story is, people are not completely good or completely bad. You probably have racist friends who are actually incredible people. They just need to have their eyes opened, they need a little bit more experience, a little bit more understanding. You probably have some amazing friends who are a little homophobic or transphobic. Again, they just need to have their eyes opened, have a little more experience, and a little bit more understanding. 

Now, obviously, you need to set appropriate boundaries for yourself. If you feel unsafe - physically, mentally, or emotionally - definitely remove yourself from those people making you feel that way. But, remember...people are not black and white (in the metaphorical sense). Give room for people to be gray.

I have friends that voted for Biden. They are not all uneducated, duped by the media, baby killing socialists. 

My whole point is...we all deserve way more love. Even your enemies, and I really feel like we are treating the different political parties as enemies. Which I hate. I don't agree with it. It's so divisive. BUT. If that is how you see things...how about you love them anyway? We are supposed to love our enemies.

While this song is intended to be a romantic love song, I feel this is very appropriate for right now. Please, try to find one another amidst this terrible chaos. Don't give up on love. Don't let elections, politics, different ideologies, get in the way of your love. 

"We'll say we did not give up on love today."

To every thing there is a season

When I was approaching graduation, I was trying to figure out what I was going to do. I knew I didn't want to move back to Arizona, even though that was the most logical decision. I hate the heat. I was afraid of losing all of the progression I've made in discovering who I am and learning about to assert myself, by going straight back to my family, where I often feel like I'm treated like a kid sister who is 15, rather than someone who has lived on their own for the majority of her life since graduating high school. Also, I hate the heat.

So, I started looking at options for staying in Rexburg. I discovered a job at the Juvenile Corrections Center in St. Anthony, a small town just 20 minutes from Rexburg. It sounded perfect for what I wanted to do. I wanted to work with at-risk youth, and juvenile delinquents are pretty much as at-risk as you can get. The pay was way better than anything I had made as a student, it offered benefits - which, like, I understand most full-time jobs offer, but your homegirl just went 7 years without health insurance, so literally any health benefits sounded like a million dollars - and it didn't sound like a place where kids were just locked up in a cell all day.

So, I started making plans. I quickly found a place to live. I started applying for jobs like crazy - obviously the one in St. Anthony being the first one I applied for - and, went to the Lord. I prayed so flipping hard. I wanted to do what He needed me to do. I wanted to be where He needed me to be. But...I also wanted to stay in Idaho and work at the JCC. So, I asked if this would fit into His plans.

Sometimes, the Lord is patient with us. Sometimes, He gives us what we ask for, simply because we want it. I got the job. I felt God's love for me profoundly during that time. I felt, so strongly, that the only reason why I was hired was because I wanted it.

I've worked there for two years. It definitely isn't an easy job. Some nights, I would cry on the drive home, just because it was such a rough time. Some nights, I would drive home with my heart bursting, because I felt so much love for those kids. Some nights, I would drive home, angry at parents for not protecting their kids.

Tonight, I cried on my drive home, because I said goodbye to it. I cried over saying goodbye to kids who have sworn at me and disrespected me. But I also cried over saying goodbye to those same kids who have come to trust me and see me as someone who was always in their corner. I cried over saying goodbye to coworkers who have helped me, listened to me, shared their food with me, shown me compassion, supported me, and cared about me. I cried because the last time I felt this way about a group of people I had my missionary nametag on. The feeling I had walking to my car was very similar to the feeling I had getting on that plane to leave Washington. I was so excited to see my family again, but if God had asked me to, I would have run off that plane in an instant to continue the work. Ever since making the decision to move back to Arizona, I have been looking for ANY sign to keep me here. I'm still looking for some reason to call my boss and tell him I was going to come into work tomorrow.

In all honesty, I had been fighting the prompting to move back to Arizona for a long time. I was talking to one of my coworkers about some stuff going on in my family. I mentioned that I hated not being there for all of it. She asked me if I ever thought about moving back. I just kind of scoffed and was like, "ABSOLUTELY NOT." I've become a very different person than the Beth Root that used to live in Arizona. Especially in the past two years. The Beth Root that lived in Arizona would honestly be appalled at who I am now. I was afraid of losing who I've become, because even though I have some scars and I'm definitely way more rough around the edges, I also am much more compassionate, confident, understanding, and much less judgemental. I love who I have become. Who I am seemed incompatible with Arizona.

But, ever since that conversation, the thought of moving back to Arizona wouldn't leave me. It was constantly in the back of my mind. (I don't know if you read my blogs, but if you do, I'm definitely blaming you, Kjerstin, for being the one to put the thought in my head. You only have yourself to blame for me leaving.)

A few months ago, I finally couldn't ignore it. So I went to the Lord. And...He said Arizona.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 (a cursed verse for many a missionary) says:

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.

The thought that I keep having is that God gave me these two years because I asked for them and because there was no reason to tell me no. I was going to be doing good work, and the work that was going to be done on me was going to be way more refining than anything else I had experienced. But, He always intended for me to end up back in Arizona, at least for a time.

My time in Idaho is up. Even though I have begged Him to tell me to stay. He gave me two extra years - which have been the best two years of my time in Idaho. Ugly, hard, heart-wrenching, lonely, and eye-opening. But, by far, the best.

It makes me sad that my JCC St. Anthony season is over, but it was, in all reality, a gift from God. We'll see what my Arizona season brings me (other than sunburns and heat stroke).

Pride

As I've gotten older, I have definitely changed some of my ideas and perspectives - which, I think, is as it should be. We should always be changing, growing, evolving. That should include our beliefs and how we view the world. I will admit, one of the things that has helped me the most to make some of these changes was coming to terms with the fact that I am gay. The journey I have gone on has caused some major shifts in me. It hasn't changed my testimony or my faith, but it has changed the way I view and interact with people who are different than me.

June is Pride month. A month where the LGBTQ+ community celebrates and is celebrated. This year has produced an interesting Pride month. With protests against racism and police brutality and advocacy for a change in the police force, Pride month has become about defending everyone's rights, not just the rights of one community.

I've been thinking a lot about humanity. As you probably know, I work at a juvenile corrections center. I work with kids who could be given the label of criminals. Something that gets me fired up is when these kids talk about how they're treated in other facilities. Are they likely to be exaggerating? I mean, yeah, probably. But, the fact that many of them express appreciation for how we treat them, the food we give them, the fact that their blankets aren't super thin and that they are allowed more than one of them indicates to me that, sometimes, these kids aren't treated as they should. And that just doesn't seem right to me.

Who are we, as humans, to treat anyone without human decency? I mean, you're allowed to be angry with someone, set boundaries, be firm, even decide to not interact with someone. But, all of that is different than treating someone as if they are not human. Unfortunately, humans have a tendency to dehumanize anyone who is different from them - looks different, believes differently, or acts differently. I mean, I understand, in the case of those who commit crimes, sometimes it is necessary for justice to be met. But that can be done without dehumanizing someone.

Four years ago today, there was a mass shooting at Pulse, a gay nightclub. Today, on the anniversary of this tragedy, a regulation was finalized that removes the protection previously given to transgenders to ensure they could not be discriminated against by doctors, hospitals, and insurance companies. By limiting the definition of sex discrimination, transgender people can now be refused care.

At the beginning of the month, a brief was submitted to the Supreme Court that suggested that adoption agencies could, on the basis of religion, refuse to let gay couples adopt.

Within the past couple of days, two black transgender women were murdered. According to the information presently had, they make the 13th and 14th transgender - or non gender conforming - individuals murdered this year. And it's possible more have happened but are just unreported. These murders have happened with more frequency in recent years, and people of color are disproportionately targeted.

Now, I've always tried to stay out of politics as much as possible. I know that I am woefully uninformed. But, something that I am not uninformed on is respecting someone, as a human. You don't have to like them. You don't have to agree with them. Heck, you can hate them, for all I care. But, dehumanizing someone is never appropriate.

I am honestly baffled by the things I've written - allowing discrimination because of differences and murdering simply because someone has decided that they are not who society told them they were. Like, if somebody decided to change their gender, does that make them less human? Bruh, the fact that I even have to pose that question is just so dumbfounding to me.

It also enrages me. It enrages me to know that people are willing to deny people their rights - even at the corrections facility, the juveniles have the right to be treated by a nurse or doctor if they need it! And their rights are limited! It enrages me that people think that discrimination is ok. It enrages me that people just passively let it happen. It enrages me that I wasn't always enraged.

Are you enraged? If you aren't, why not?

There is a lot going on in the world. Protests, riots, a flipping pandemic, people fighting for change - both good and bad. There is a lot of conflict and a lot of disagreements. Honestly, that doesn't bother me. What bothers me is when that conflict and those disagreements turn into something ugly. When it turns into something where both sides have stopped listening.

Honestly, I'm overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed by all the feelings. I'm overwhelmed that there was so much I was unaware of. I'm overwhelmed by how badly I want to do something, but I don't know what to do or how to be informed - accurately.

I'm tired, too. I'm tired of this fight against hate, racism, cruelty, and aggression.

But, I'm also proud. I'm proud of the people who are stepping up and speaking up. I'm proud of the fact that they are pushing for change and not backing down. And, I'm proud of myself - of who I am, who I've become, and what I'm trying to accomplish. It's a great time to celebrate Pride.




And because the student inside of me was SCREAMING, here are the websites I got a lot of my information on. (I know that there is so much more to be read on these topics.)
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/dominique-fells-riah-milton-transphobia-new-calls/

https://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/adoption-agency-should-be-able-reject-gay-couples-trump-administration-n1224911

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/12/us/politics/trump-transgender-rights.html

Real Talk 2.0

"Just because needs are righteous, that doesn't mean they're being met in righteous ways." - Laurie Campbell in Reborn that Way

Everyone has the same basic needs (cue discussion on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs). We also have needs specific to us. For example, some people need social interaction more than others. Some people need to be touched more than others. Some people need validation. Some people need time to themselves. The list goes on and on. Sometimes, when we feel like our needs aren't being met, we try to fulfill them in unhealthy ways.

I have some needs that aren't met. And, today, when I read the above quote, I realized I was trying to meet them in unhealthy, unfulfilling ways. One of the biggest ways: I try to escape. Books, movies, shows, games, social media, etc. If I'm not doing school and I'm not at work, I'm doing SOMETHING to avoid any space that gives room for that unmet need.

Tonight, I realized that, unfortunately, as I make these efforts to escape and to numb, I have stopped giving myself room to think and to ponder. I've stopped giving myself time with the Lord. Because quiet moments mean I have to face uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. But, by escaping, I've taken away opportunities for growth, vulnerability, and learning.

That exchange kind of sucks.

So, tonight, I decided to be a little bit honest and vulnerable, in an effort to give myself space to think. To allow myself to feel uncomfortable without reaching for something to escape. So, here is some of my uncomfortable thoughts:

• I'm afraid I'll fall in love with a woman and that she also will fall in love with me. I'm afraid because, although I can deal with my feelings if I like a woman and it's not reciprocated, I don't know if I can stick with my commitment to keep my temple covenants if she also likes me. 
• I sometimes feel like a bit of a loner at church. And I worry that once I age out of a YSA ward and go to a family ward that I won't be able to form close bonds with anyone, because I'll just be that single lady. I worry I won't be able to make any close friends in a family ward, because married people tend to hang out with married people. Also, I'm socially inept! My future at church worries me.
• I don't get touched very often. Like, I have a huge bubble. I generally don't like people in my bubble. But I also need physical touch. But, I'm not comfortable with a lot men touching me - I mean, there's a lot that I am comfortable touching me, but I honestly couldn't tell you why I'm comfortable with some and not comfortable with others - and, although I'm typically more comfortable with women touching me (still, not all. and I couldn't tell you why some and not others. I have found no consistency) I'm scared of women touching me because what if I catch FEELINGS. I get how irrational that is, but I never claimed to be rational. So, despite the fact that I actually need to be touched, like hugs and simple touches on the shoulder and even just someone sitting next to me, even if they're not touching but just, like, close to me, it's just easier to say that I have a big bubble and don't like being touched. Because how am I going to explain that I need physical interaction, but maybe not from everyone. Like, that person is allowed in my bubble, but not you, even though we're friends? Also, I'm afraid of you touching me, because you're pretty and I don't to suddenly be attracted to you, but you're one of the people I'm comfortable with being in my bubble? How do you explain that? So, my loneliness is enhanced because I'm a confusing - and confused - human being. 
• I may have made the decision to stay active in the church and I may be totally at peace and mostly happy with that choice, but I still have demons I wrestle with.
• I get overwhelmed at the idea of being single for forever (and, don't worry, when I say forever, I mean for this life, but it FEELS like forever). I want companionship. I want someone to be with for the rest of my life, to make decisions with, to argue with, to learn with, to have a family with, to be intimate with, to share my burdens with. I want that so bad. I don't know if I can do that with a man. I'm not saying I can't, but I don't know if it would work or if it would be healthy for me. So, I just look forward as if I'm going to be single. And that overwhelms me. It fills me with a profound loneliness.
• Sometimes, when I get home from work after a hard day, or even if it's just a day where I'm filled with feelings, I just want someone to hold me. Or even someone to go home to and talk to. Those nights, I'm lucky if someone is up late enough to text me back, so I usually just lay in bed and distract myself - I escape.
• I still sometimes wonder if I am just confused about being gay. But then I think about when I dated boys and when I tried to date boys. Ick.
• A recent uncomfortable thought is my worry that, currently, I'm doing a bad job at being a good friend. I used to judge my ability at being a good friend on how much I did for that person - buying them food, giving them rides, being their confidant. I haven't had as many opportunities to do things like that, lately, and it really makes me feel inadequate, but I don't know how else to be a good friend because that's what I always did.
• I want to be a mom. Like so freaking bad. And I want to adopt - particularly older kids. But I'm afraid I can't be nurturing enough. Or, for some reason, they won't let me adopt or even be a foster mom because I'll be a single mom. And that is a devastating thought.

There. Those are some of my uncomfortable thoughts that I spend a lot of time and effort avoiding. I share, not to get sympathy or because I'm seeking validation. I'm sharing because I need to face them. I need to stop escaping. I need to lean into them. I need to turn to God - and my friends - and give room for Him to do something with them.

Maybe you do too. I don't know. But, I know that I want to give space for the uncomfortable, so that I have more space fo the Lord.

Deliberate Indifference

When I first started working at the juvenile corrections center, the phrase "deliberate indifference" was taught to me. It is when you actively choose to do nothing or to not care. At my job, that is very dangerous. By being deliberately indifferent, I may be putting the juveniles, my coworkers, or myself in danger, simply because I am choosing to do nothing.

I'm a very committed person. When I'm committed to something, I go all in. I give it everything I've got. But, there's a dichotomy. I also am very lazy. If I don't like a thing or I'm not invested in it, there is no way I'm putting much energy into it. I'm pretty much an all or nothing - or an all or very minimal - type of person. So, I tend to be very particular about the things I get involved in, because I only have so much energy to spend. This also applies to things I do not know much about or when I don't know how to get involved or how to move forward. Because I am a committed person, I don't want to get involved in something that I don't know how to do, because I'm afraid I won't do it well so I don't want to expend energy on it.

So, often times, I choose to be deliberately indifferent.

On May 25, George Floyd was killed when being arrested. George Floyd is not the first this year - or even this month - to have been wrongly killed. George Floyd was the straw that broke the camel's back. And if feels like the world exploded.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to get involved. I feel helpless. I'm confused. My mind has been racing. I feel sick. Last night, I had to put on a movie in order to fall asleep, even though I was exhausted - which I only do when my mind can't handle the silence because of thoughts. I haven't exactly been silent, but I've only spoken up if I've felt safe.

But I don't want to be deliberately indifferent. I don't want to do nothing or put forth minimal effort. I want my voice to be heard. I want people of color - and every other minority - to know my voice is going to support them.

But, I don't know what to say. Because I don't know what's real. Because the media is only portraying half-truths.

But, here's what I do know:

• People have been peacefully protesting for years. And has there been change? Yes. Has there been enough change? NO. And whose fault is that? Ours.
• Children who are abused, neglected, abandoned, and who experience other trauma will act out in order to get any form of attention because being positive has not gotten them what they needed in the past. So, what will a community who has been abused, neglected, abandoned, and who experienced trauma do? Act out, because their peaceful protests did not get them what they needed.
• Often times, peaceful protests are violently and cruelly broken up, without provocation. 
• Some riots are not actually done by people advocating for change, but by extremists on the other side, trying to cause panic and pandemonium.
• Both sides have some form of fault - not the fault of discrimination, but when it comes to the finger pointing of violence and such.
• We should be angry at those who have killed, those who defended those who killed, and those who are responding with violence. But, we should be angry at ourselves that we let society stay the way it is.

There's a lot I still don't know, but what I do know fills me with indignation that humans are hurting humans for...being human. It fills me with compassion, because even though there are some people who are responding inappropriately, I understand. It fills me with frustration, because people are focusing on the wrong thing. It fills me with fear, because what if we're raising another generation in abuse, neglect, abandonment, and trauma? 

Like I said, I don't know what to do. I don't have a lot of answers. But, a Sara Bareilles song has been going through my head the past few days (go figure). But, it's because I believe that when we look at people as individuals, with feelings, desires, goals, and families of their own, we become more compassionate. And there is nothing I want more than for us to become more compassionate. I'm sure there is much I can do, and I'm going to try to figure that out. But, for now, I'm gonna keep my eyes on the world. I want you to know I've got my eyes on you. I care. I'm invested. And I will act. I will not be deliberately indifferent.

Perspective

It's been around 5 years now since I came to the realization that I was gay. I was 21 years old, a recently returned missionary, and as confused as a human being could be. Honestly, a lot of that confusion still creeps up on me.

It's been quite the journey. I went from whispering anxiously that I struggled with same sex attraction, to saying with a little bit more confidence that I experienced same sex attraction, to just calling myself a lesbian (non-practicing lesbian is usually what I say, just to quickly help whoever I'm talking to understand my dealio).

I went from trying my darnedest to still date boys, convinced I was still going to get married, to just occasionally going on dates, committed to saying yes to at least a first date because I still wanted to get married, to outright accepting that I think boys are gross and that it will be a freaking miracle from God if I end up getting married to a boy. A year and a half ago, I almost decided to dip out on the church, because I was lonely, angry, confused, and just tired of being alone and daunted at the prospect of being alone for my time here on earth. Ick. I still don't like thinking about that. But, ultimately, I decided that I believed that the covenants I made with God in the temple were 100% valid and that, because of those covenants, God expected me to stay an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Unfortunately, as I received that revelation from God and the peace I had been seeking for, I didn't have all of my questions answered. I currently still have a lot of questions and a lot of uncertainty, although none of the uncertainty is towards my decision to keep my covenants and choose celibacy/loneliness/always standing apart from the Church AND the LGBT community.

What I've learned the past 5 years is the importance of not expecting or trying to force others to make the same decisions I've made. I've learned the importance of not judging other people's choices, just because they are different from what I believe. I've learned the importance of not enforcing my personal revelation on others. For example: I believe that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true. I believe, through my own efforts to seek answers and revelation from the Lord, that God expects me to not pursue anything romantic with another woman. Let me emphasize one word from that last sentence: me. I received an answer that pertains to me, and me only. God expects me. 

Now, you may ask, "But, Beth, wouldn't God expect the same thing from all of His children??" Well, yes and no. God expects us to love Him. He expects us to keep His commandments. But, He also expects us to keep the commandments according to our ability. And that looks different for each person.

God expects us to keep the Sabbath day holy, right? Some people, after turning to the Lord for revelation, feel like that means it is important for them to not work on Sunday. Thus, due to the revelation given to them, they should do their best to uphold that expectation. Me? I work most Sundays. About 50% of the time, that means I don't get to go to church. Do I feel like that means I am not keeping the Sabbath day holy? No, based on my interactions with the Lord. Now, the person who received their personal revelation that they shouldn't work on the Sabbath may try to enforce that onto me, but they would be wrong in doing so. They my judge me, look down on me, scoff at me for being so unrighteous. but ultimately, my decisions are between me and God.

Now, obviously, this does translate into something a little bit differently when we consider the law of chastity and homosexuality. But, let me tell you what my journey has taught me: God expects me to love everyone and accept everyone as they are. "Hate the sin, love the sinner." Ick. I hate the quote. I love the intention behind it, but I hate what we've turned it into. Because, here's the thing: we all are sinners. And a sin is a sin is a sin. We have no right to look at somebody's sin and look down on them for it, when we, ourselves, are sinning. We've turned that phrase into an excuse to separating sins into minor and major. But, buddy, sin is sin! We have no right to do that! So, really what we should be saying is, "Hate sin. Love people." "Hate wickedness, love people." Or just, you know, "Love God and love everyone" because, you know, those are the two greatest commandments, according to the Savior, so they should be the basis of our decisions.

If someone behaves different that you - whether they're gay, drink alcohol, gamble, swear, whatever - just love them. Sometimes we do have to be particular about who we let into our lives, but that decision shouldn't be based on whether they're gay, drink alcohol, or any of that: it's based on if they bring light into your life. I know plenty of people who drink who bring light into my life. I know gay people who bring light into my life. I know people who have left the church who bring light into my life.

The whole reason for writing about this is the Honor Code fiasco with BYU. Because you know the vibe that I'm getting from BYU? They're scared of offending people, so they just made everyone mad. With their deliberate word change, how could they not assume that students would assume that they would be free to date people of the same gender, as long as they didn't have sex? I actually was thrilled at the change, excited that BYU was being inclusive, because, yes, it is a church school, but, seriously, what's the harm in holding hands and kissing? "But then they MIGHT HAVE SEX!!" Well...yeah...the same risk is there for straight couples. I guarantee plenty of them aren't keeping the law of chastity/the honor code. "But we can't show that we condone homosexuality!" Bruh. Everyone gets it, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints doesn't condone homosexuality and teaches that God defines marriage as a union between a man and a women.

Allowing gays to freaking hold hands isn't changing doctrine. You know what it DOES do? It allows people to not be afraid. It allows people to not go 4+ years with crushing loneliness because you literally CAN'T be with anybody you are attracted to. Imagine not being able to be held when you're upset, not having a person to go to, and watching everyone around get into relationships and just slowly leave you behind. Sure, just date someone of the opposite gender, there's people who do it and seem happy - but, honestly, not everyone is gonna be happy with that. To me, that sounds not ideal. I'd say repulsive but will dudes find that offensive?

By changing the words of the Honor Code, to simply say that sexual relations were not ok, the LGBT community found hope. They were excited at being included and accepted. They understood it was not a change in doctrine of a church, but in policy of a freaking university. Like, do people understand BYU is NOT the church? Because sometimes I think people forget.

And now, BYU is backpedaling hardcore, because all of a sudden the gays were out, and members of the church were furious. But...why? Why do people need to get so angry at people just...living? Me personally, I'd like to think that, if BYU is the Lord's university (a phrase I actually hate a lot, but, you know, whatever) I think He'd be thrilled that people of any identity were happy, felt accepted, and not judged.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is...I believe God expects us to love His children and to accept them as they are. Obviously, we make invitations to come closer to Christ, but that is going to look different for each person. I'm really saddened by people's reactions to the policy change, and I'm disappointed that BYU administrators have chosen fear and protecting an image over acceptance and love. But, my job is simply to keep loving. I will continue to keep living the way I feel God wants me to live, while not holding others to my personal standards. Beth Root's standards are not everyone's standards, and that honestly is perfectly ok. I actually think that's the way it's supposed to be. God's path for me looks very different than God's path for everyone else. So, I just love.