Wednesday, October 30, 2019

Sharpening

Don't worry, guys, I'm alive! I know it's been awhile, but I think it's because it's taken several months for the lesson the Lord's been teaching me to sink in. Since my last post, where I talked about going to my friend's sealing, I've been thinking a lot about the importance of friends and their place in my life. If anyone has heard me talk about the importance of friendship in my life, you've probably heard me use Proverbs 27:17:

Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.

For the past while, I have had a hard time not isolating myself. Part of it was because finding a social scene after graduating and then getting a new job with an inconvenient schedule was really hard. Part of it was because I started having a hard time with things. Part of it was personal insecurities, worries, and fears. As I started getting out of my funk, I recognized that I was isolating myself and would make occasional attempts to reach out to friends, as well as had friends reach out to me. But, I wasn't very consistent at it, and I became very comfortable sitting in my room, by myself, watching Netflix for hours on end.

It wasn't until a few months ago that the Spirit very strongly indicated to me that this was not good enough for the Lord. How in the world was I supposed to make a difference in the world if all I do outside of work is sit on my butt watching Netflix, by myself? I missed doing things for others - service in any form has always been incredibly important to me and has brought me a lot of happiness - but it was nearly impossible for people to recognize that I was available to help them or for me to know what I could do to help others if no one ever saw me. Essentially what the Spirit told me was, "You can't be a disciple of Jesus Christ if you sit in your room by yourself all day."

So, I told myself that I needed to start being social again and start reaching out to my friends again. The only issue was...I didn't really know how to go about that. I am really uncomfortable in settings where there are large groups of people and I don't know very many people, so going out to activities is really difficult for me without a person by my side. My work schedule usually means I'm home when everyone else is in school or at work, so trying to plan things with my friends can be difficult. I also have this weird complex where I'm insecure in my friendships, so I am constantly worrying if I'm being annoying by always wanting/asking to spend time with people and don't want to cross boundaries, and really I just overthink literally everything. So I just kinda tapped out and only put forth a half-hearted effort.

I was always thinking about it, though, and trying to figure out how the flip to act on that prompting. Then, I had a friend who had come home from her mission move back up to Rexburg. I was pretty stoked about this and I made plans to meet up with her. I met her roommates, who were super friendly and weirdly invested in me (to me, it was weird, because that's not how I react when I first meet someone because strangers make me nervous and if I appear otherwise, it is because I have gotten good at pretending like it's not a thing) and then, all of a sudden, I was friends with the whole apartment. And, all of a sudden, I was over there on my days off. And, all of a sudden, even when I wasn't at their apartment, I still wasn't in my room watching Netflix but doing somewhat productive things. I was going to the temple with more frequency. I was making plans with other friends. 

But, more than that, I felt like I was slowly remembering how to be myself again. The past year and a half caused a lot of change in me, and not all of it was in the right direction - though, not all of it was bad and some of it was necessary. My job requires me to be skeptical and cautious. I can't be ready to trust or be soft-hearted, or I'll be easily manipulated and unable to face the sometimes ugly realities and truths. This then permeated my every day interactions, and I became cynical, closed off, and a bit prickly (I mean, I've always been prickly, so, like, more so). My struggles led me to have some unhealthy habits and coping mechanisms which meant I was not as ready to smile as I used to be and I had some darkness to shed. I also became even more dedicated (and stubborn) in my faith, which obviously is good, but I also allowed the stubbornness to affect the way I shared some of my views and opinions - and that way being very loud and maybe more aggressive than assertive.

As I started spending time with friends, especially the apartment of sudden and new friends, I saw so clearly the rough, harder, and darker parts of me start to change to smoother, gentler, and lighter parts. I felt like a weight was lifted. I was happier. I laughed more. I was thinking outside of myself. I felt like me. And it happened so quickly! It was almost like the Lord became so exasperated by my awkward and rare attempts at being social that he handed me these individuals and was like, "Here you go! Now get back to being you and doing the good things you used to do and being with the people you love!" 

So, I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I have been blessed with people who sharpen my countenance - who bring me closer to my best self and to the person I want to be. I've always believed God has deliberately placed people in my path and He has always placed quality people. I'm incredibly grateful for those friends I've had the past 26 years, because I really wouldn't be the person I am today. The friends who have loved me, called me out on my crap, been patient with me, taught me, put up with me when I was not the easiest person to be with, who have brought light into myself, and who have helped me become who I am now. 

I also want to reiterate the importance of solid friends. They don't have to believe the same thing, like the same things, live in the same state, or be in the same position/stage in life as you to be a good friend. Without those special individuals, there is no way we can become all that we can or do all that is possible for us to accomplish. And there is no way we can be our happiest. And our friends cannot do the same without us. 

Thank you to all who have sharpened my countenance. Because of you, I am currently the happiest I have been in awhile. It feels good to no longer be in my room by myself.

Sunday, June 2, 2019

Weddings and stuff

Weddings are interesting for me to experience. I love celebrating people that I love making commitments  to another person, knowing that they have the capacity to make each other so happy. Getting to go to sealings is even better, because those commitments turn into covenants, and those covenants are essential for exaltation. I love getting to witness those moments. I love being able to support the people that I love as they make those commitments and covenants.

But, it also reminds me that, unless something drastic happens and the Lord sends me a miracle in the form of one special man (which, the realist in me will remind me and everyone else who tells me it's possible  that while of course it isn't impossible, it's highly unlikely. Like, probs not gonna happen), I don't get to experience that commitment, that relationship, that support.  Of course, there are downsides and upsides to being single, but that's not the point of this post.

The point is, marriage is pretty cool. Eternal marriage is even cooler. I totally support it. I had the opportunity to go to a good friend's wedding this weekend - and by wedding, I mean ALL THE THINGS. Wedding ceremony, luncheon, sealing, reception - even a bachelorette party the night before. It was exhausting, mostly because I was constantly surrounded by people I didn't know, except for, like 5 people, and we all know how much I hate situations like that. But it also was totally and completely worth it. For a couple of reasons.

One, because I love getting to go to sealings. Because the temple is the best. Also covenants. And getting to see my friend get sealed to a man who she has dated for a LONG time, and to someone I've had the chance to get to know a bit, so I know he will be a stellar husband, it made me so happy! Because THEY were happy! And their families were happy! Everyone was happy! People say Disneyland is the happiest place on earth, but I feel like the most correct statement is that sealing rooms are the happiest places on earth. And I got to be there, which made me happy.

Two, I don't get to go to every wedding I'd like to go to. Some are several states away. Some happened when I couldn't get away from my responsibilities. Some happened when I was in a selfish period, so it would have been a chore getting me to do anything that inconvenienced me. So, with the wedding being only 4 1/2 hours away, knowing about it like 10 months in advance, and having a job where I get vacation time and having plenty of time to arrange to have it off, nothing was going to stop me from being there. I've missed weddings that I now wish I hadn't, and I wasn't going to make that mistake again.

Three, I needed my friend to know how much I support her and care about her. Like, that's a big deal for me. The past few of years have involved people supporting me and helping me when, some of the time, I felt a bit like a crazy person. And, especially lately, I haven't  had much of the chance to give back. So, even if I didn't get to interact with her a whole lot this weekend, I was there, and she knew I was there because she is important to me.

Four, the eternal perspective. In my Sunday School lesson today, I talked a bit about the parable of the Ten Virgins. With the whole wedding thing, it happened to stick out to me while I was preparing the lesson. The idea of being like those 5 foolish virgins and having the bridegroom say "I know you not" (or, if you look in the JST footnote, it says "ye know me not." But only in the newer edition, not the old one. Which I discovered in the middle of my lesson, while I was looking at my set which I got when I graduated high school, whereas I typically do my personal study with just a New Testament, which I recently got, so guess what, footnotes are different. Almost started hardcore panicking in my lesson because I thought I had a weird dream where I dreamed reading the JST and that it never happened in reality. Anyway, I digress...), the idea of hearing those words from my friend's mouth ripped my heart apart. The idea of someone whose friendship I cherish, who I look up to and who has been a strength to me in difficult times just being like, "You don't know me." Imagining it sounds like a literal nightmare. Thinking about it in that literal context was eye opening. If I do not properly prepare, there will come the time when I will come face to face with my Savior, and I will beg to be let in, to celebrate, to share in everyone's joy, and He will say, "You do not know me." The man who has carried me. The man who forgives me when I'm a dingus and can't seem to keep it together. The man who I love so much. I NEVER want that experience. And this weekend, getting to see my friend in the temple just reminded me of the eternal perspective. If I was willing to do what it takes to make it to her wedding, the Bridegroom's celebrations are infinitely more important for me to prepare for.

Life is hard. Like, really hard, sometimes. But if we make the hard decisions now, prepare now, choose the right now, that nightmare will never come true. Yeah, weddings remind me that I'm alone. But they also remind me of eternity and of God's plan. God doesn't intend for me to be alone. Besides, a big of singledom and a little loneliness is TOTALLY worth it, if it means I get to be welcomed by the Bridegroom. As long as I know Him and He knows me, I think everything will be worth it.

So, moral of the story is, I'm actually a giant sap who is a hopeless romantic and I love weddings. But just don't expect me to admit it in public. Or to ever truly enjoy the majority of chick flicks.

Also, the Gospel, in my opinion, is always worth it.

Tuesday, January 8, 2019

Peace

This is a blog post I have been thinking a lot about, and I still haven't decided exactly how I want it written. Partially because it's so vastly different from my last blog post. But, I think what I'm going to do is tell two different stories. Beth Ann Root was two very different people in both of these stories, but despite those differences, she came to the same conclusion.

One of the most pivotal moments on my mission happened when I was out knocking doors. My companion and I came across a man who was very kind, but very stubborn in his insistence that he would never read the Book of Mormon. His reason why was because he said that Joseph Smith was a false prophet. He went on to say that Joseph had made prophecies that didn't come to pass, so he was a false prophet. He explained that he tried to seek answers, and he never was able to find any. He wasn't able to give us any specifics, so my companion and I couldn't answer his questions, either. He was genuinely concerned for us, because of our commitment to the Gospel. He was very kind about it all.

I remember at one moment, very clearly thinking that I had a choice: to rely on the witnesses I had received from the Holy Ghost and hold fast in my testimony or to let his statements bother me and to allow them to cause me to start doubting in my testimony. So, what I did was take out my Book of Mormon and talk about faith. I explained to him that I had experiences where the Spirit told me that the Book of Mormon was true. I explained that I had received answers to questions and found peace and happiness in difficult times through the Book of Mormon, so I believed it to be true. I then explained that if the Book of Mormon is true, then Joseph Smith, who was the one who brought forth the Book of Mormon, translating it by the power of God, had to be a true prophet. A false prophet could not bring about a book that was so good and that was completely and totally from God. And, if the book was true and if Joseph Smith was a true prophet, then the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was the true church, organized by God. And that was it for me. I wasn't shaken by a little opposition. I was able to recognize that I wasn't going to have all the answers, that I didn't know every little thing about Joseph Smith or the history of the church, or even about the church in general. But, I knew my testimony. I knew the experiences that I had had, and I couldn't deny those experiences. So, I simply held fast, and found confidence and solidity in my testimony.

Fast forward a few years to this past General Conference. I wasn't exactly in a super stellar place. I had a lot of darkness and bitterness in my heart, because, you know what, being gay and an active member of the church is hard crap. I was getting more angry at people and less understanding. I was being overcome with so much negativity and darkness, and I knew it was impacting me. I was trying to have good and regular scripture studies and attend the temple regularly, but, for some reason, it just wasn't cutting it. I was getting desperate for relief, so I went to Heavenly Father for what felt like the umpteenth and asked for answers during General Conference. I needed something. When President Nelson spoke to the women of the church, I knew Heavenly Father was giving me my answer. Among the things I needed to do was read the entire Book of Mormon before the year ended. I had just gotten past the Isaiah chapters, but I started over and started my earnest and desperate study. This was it for me. This was my test before the Lord. If He did not deliver me from the darkness and bitterness by me doing this, I was unsure if I was ever going to be able to get rid of it. I was about halfway through the Book of Mormon, when I noticed that a lot of the anger and bitterness I had been feeling had disappeared. I was less enraged about things, I was more pleasant to be around, and I didn't go around raging quite as much about stupid things people say/do or the false doctrine that I heard being taught. But...the bitterness and darkness was instead replaced with something else: confusion.

Why were people who, after seeking God's counsel and who were trying to do all that they were supposed to say that they felt like leaving the church was they should do? Was God telling some to leave, while He was telling some to go? Even gays! Some were forsaking their partners, even spouses, to be baptized  - or rebaptized - in the church, but then some were deciding to leave their heterosexual marriages and pursue a partner, in order to have that complete satisfaction and happiness. I was shook. I was confused. I didn't get it. I felt like no matter what option I took, I was going to have some sort of misery in my life. I honestly didn't see a way out. I thought about what it would mean to be with a woman and the impact that would have on my life. I thought about staying active in the church, single and celibate for the rest of my life. I thought about staying active in the church and trying to find a husband (I actually downloaded Mutual - for the second time - and then less than 24 hours later deleted it, because out of all of the options that one felt like the most nope-ish. Liking someone's personality doesn't mean compatible for marital happiness). I literally didn't know what to do, and nothing made sense. I talked to people, seeking their understanding, their testimonies, their experiences.

And, I kept reading the Book of Mormon. As I got closer and closer to the end, I don't think any of my questions were ever resolved. But, peace started entering my heart, and the conflict and the wrestle that I was having dissipated. When I finished the Book of Mormon, I made a decision: I was choosing to stay. Why? Because the Book of Mormon brought me peace when literally nothing else out in the world could. By following the guidance of a prophet, My burden was not taken away, but it became possible for me to carry without feeling like I couldn't move. I felt relief. So, I chose to rely on the experiences I have had, and instead of letting the doubts and the confusion fester, I'm choosing to trust, just like I did when I spoke to that man while I was on my mission.

Faith does not mean you do not have questions. Faith does not mean you don't have doubts. Faith does not mean you understand everything. Faith simply means you decide to trust what you belief, and act accordingly. As you do so, you gain more understanding. I've decided to nourish what I believe, rather than what I'm confused about. That doesn't mean I'm not seeking answers - because I am. But, not as frantically or with as much panic.

Why do some people feel that God is telling them to walk away from something that I believe to be God's church, His work and glory? I don't know. But that's probably between them and God. I mean, it is His work, not mine. I don't want people privy to every single wrestle and conversation I have with Him, so why should I feel privileged to the same thing with others. Do I believe those people are wrong to say God has led them away from the church? I don't think I have a right to have an opinion on whether that is right or wrong. My journey is not their journey. God is understanding of all things and all circumstances, and He will work things out in the way that He feels is best. Do I believe that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is God's Kingdom, complete with necessary doctrines, covenants, and ordinances? Absolutely.

Would it be easier for me to walk away from all of this and just live my gay, happy life (see what I did there?). Possibly. But, God, through His undeniable peace, had told me I am where I need to be for the most about of happiness. And, as I have made the decision to stay, and made the choice without bitterness or frustration or without the hope that it could be a different way, I have found what I've been searching months for: peace.

And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship...and they awake him and say unto him, "Master, carest thou not that we perish? And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, there was a great calm."  Mark 4:37-39