Peace

This is a blog post I have been thinking a lot about, and I still haven't decided exactly how I want it written. Partially because it's so vastly different from my last blog post. But, I think what I'm going to do is tell two different stories. Beth Ann Root was two very different people in both of these stories, but despite those differences, she came to the same conclusion.

One of the most pivotal moments on my mission happened when I was out knocking doors. My companion and I came across a man who was very kind, but very stubborn in his insistence that he would never read the Book of Mormon. His reason why was because he said that Joseph Smith was a false prophet. He went on to say that Joseph had made prophecies that didn't come to pass, so he was a false prophet. He explained that he tried to seek answers, and he never was able to find any. He wasn't able to give us any specifics, so my companion and I couldn't answer his questions, either. He was genuinely concerned for us, because of our commitment to the Gospel. He was very kind about it all.

I remember at one moment, very clearly thinking that I had a choice: to rely on the witnesses I had received from the Holy Ghost and hold fast in my testimony or to let his statements bother me and to allow them to cause me to start doubting in my testimony. So, what I did was take out my Book of Mormon and talk about faith. I explained to him that I had experiences where the Spirit told me that the Book of Mormon was true. I explained that I had received answers to questions and found peace and happiness in difficult times through the Book of Mormon, so I believed it to be true. I then explained that if the Book of Mormon is true, then Joseph Smith, who was the one who brought forth the Book of Mormon, translating it by the power of God, had to be a true prophet. A false prophet could not bring about a book that was so good and that was completely and totally from God. And, if the book was true and if Joseph Smith was a true prophet, then the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was the true church, organized by God. And that was it for me. I wasn't shaken by a little opposition. I was able to recognize that I wasn't going to have all the answers, that I didn't know every little thing about Joseph Smith or the history of the church, or even about the church in general. But, I knew my testimony. I knew the experiences that I had had, and I couldn't deny those experiences. So, I simply held fast, and found confidence and solidity in my testimony.

Fast forward a few years to this past General Conference. I wasn't exactly in a super stellar place. I had a lot of darkness and bitterness in my heart, because, you know what, being gay and an active member of the church is hard crap. I was getting more angry at people and less understanding. I was being overcome with so much negativity and darkness, and I knew it was impacting me. I was trying to have good and regular scripture studies and attend the temple regularly, but, for some reason, it just wasn't cutting it. I was getting desperate for relief, so I went to Heavenly Father for what felt like the umpteenth and asked for answers during General Conference. I needed something. When President Nelson spoke to the women of the church, I knew Heavenly Father was giving me my answer. Among the things I needed to do was read the entire Book of Mormon before the year ended. I had just gotten past the Isaiah chapters, but I started over and started my earnest and desperate study. This was it for me. This was my test before the Lord. If He did not deliver me from the darkness and bitterness by me doing this, I was unsure if I was ever going to be able to get rid of it. I was about halfway through the Book of Mormon, when I noticed that a lot of the anger and bitterness I had been feeling had disappeared. I was less enraged about things, I was more pleasant to be around, and I didn't go around raging quite as much about stupid things people say/do or the false doctrine that I heard being taught. But...the bitterness and darkness was instead replaced with something else: confusion.

Why were people who, after seeking God's counsel and who were trying to do all that they were supposed to say that they felt like leaving the church was they should do? Was God telling some to leave, while He was telling some to go? Even gays! Some were forsaking their partners, even spouses, to be baptized  - or rebaptized - in the church, but then some were deciding to leave their heterosexual marriages and pursue a partner, in order to have that complete satisfaction and happiness. I was shook. I was confused. I didn't get it. I felt like no matter what option I took, I was going to have some sort of misery in my life. I honestly didn't see a way out. I thought about what it would mean to be with a woman and the impact that would have on my life. I thought about staying active in the church, single and celibate for the rest of my life. I thought about staying active in the church and trying to find a husband (I actually downloaded Mutual - for the second time - and then less than 24 hours later deleted it, because out of all of the options that one felt like the most nope-ish. Liking someone's personality doesn't mean compatible for marital happiness). I literally didn't know what to do, and nothing made sense. I talked to people, seeking their understanding, their testimonies, their experiences.

And, I kept reading the Book of Mormon. As I got closer and closer to the end, I don't think any of my questions were ever resolved. But, peace started entering my heart, and the conflict and the wrestle that I was having dissipated. When I finished the Book of Mormon, I made a decision: I was choosing to stay. Why? Because the Book of Mormon brought me peace when literally nothing else out in the world could. By following the guidance of a prophet, My burden was not taken away, but it became possible for me to carry without feeling like I couldn't move. I felt relief. So, I chose to rely on the experiences I have had, and instead of letting the doubts and the confusion fester, I'm choosing to trust, just like I did when I spoke to that man while I was on my mission.

Faith does not mean you do not have questions. Faith does not mean you don't have doubts. Faith does not mean you understand everything. Faith simply means you decide to trust what you belief, and act accordingly. As you do so, you gain more understanding. I've decided to nourish what I believe, rather than what I'm confused about. That doesn't mean I'm not seeking answers - because I am. But, not as frantically or with as much panic.

Why do some people feel that God is telling them to walk away from something that I believe to be God's church, His work and glory? I don't know. But that's probably between them and God. I mean, it is His work, not mine. I don't want people privy to every single wrestle and conversation I have with Him, so why should I feel privileged to the same thing with others. Do I believe those people are wrong to say God has led them away from the church? I don't think I have a right to have an opinion on whether that is right or wrong. My journey is not their journey. God is understanding of all things and all circumstances, and He will work things out in the way that He feels is best. Do I believe that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is God's Kingdom, complete with necessary doctrines, covenants, and ordinances? Absolutely.

Would it be easier for me to walk away from all of this and just live my gay, happy life (see what I did there?). Possibly. But, God, through His undeniable peace, had told me I am where I need to be for the most about of happiness. And, as I have made the decision to stay, and made the choice without bitterness or frustration or without the hope that it could be a different way, I have found what I've been searching months for: peace.

And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship...and they awake him and say unto him, "Master, carest thou not that we perish? And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, there was a great calm."  Mark 4:37-39