To every thing there is a season

When I was approaching graduation, I was trying to figure out what I was going to do. I knew I didn't want to move back to Arizona, even though that was the most logical decision. I hate the heat. I was afraid of losing all of the progression I've made in discovering who I am and learning about to assert myself, by going straight back to my family, where I often feel like I'm treated like a kid sister who is 15, rather than someone who has lived on their own for the majority of her life since graduating high school. Also, I hate the heat.

So, I started looking at options for staying in Rexburg. I discovered a job at the Juvenile Corrections Center in St. Anthony, a small town just 20 minutes from Rexburg. It sounded perfect for what I wanted to do. I wanted to work with at-risk youth, and juvenile delinquents are pretty much as at-risk as you can get. The pay was way better than anything I had made as a student, it offered benefits - which, like, I understand most full-time jobs offer, but your homegirl just went 7 years without health insurance, so literally any health benefits sounded like a million dollars - and it didn't sound like a place where kids were just locked up in a cell all day.

So, I started making plans. I quickly found a place to live. I started applying for jobs like crazy - obviously the one in St. Anthony being the first one I applied for - and, went to the Lord. I prayed so flipping hard. I wanted to do what He needed me to do. I wanted to be where He needed me to be. But...I also wanted to stay in Idaho and work at the JCC. So, I asked if this would fit into His plans.

Sometimes, the Lord is patient with us. Sometimes, He gives us what we ask for, simply because we want it. I got the job. I felt God's love for me profoundly during that time. I felt, so strongly, that the only reason why I was hired was because I wanted it.

I've worked there for two years. It definitely isn't an easy job. Some nights, I would cry on the drive home, just because it was such a rough time. Some nights, I would drive home with my heart bursting, because I felt so much love for those kids. Some nights, I would drive home, angry at parents for not protecting their kids.

Tonight, I cried on my drive home, because I said goodbye to it. I cried over saying goodbye to kids who have sworn at me and disrespected me. But I also cried over saying goodbye to those same kids who have come to trust me and see me as someone who was always in their corner. I cried over saying goodbye to coworkers who have helped me, listened to me, shared their food with me, shown me compassion, supported me, and cared about me. I cried because the last time I felt this way about a group of people I had my missionary nametag on. The feeling I had walking to my car was very similar to the feeling I had getting on that plane to leave Washington. I was so excited to see my family again, but if God had asked me to, I would have run off that plane in an instant to continue the work. Ever since making the decision to move back to Arizona, I have been looking for ANY sign to keep me here. I'm still looking for some reason to call my boss and tell him I was going to come into work tomorrow.

In all honesty, I had been fighting the prompting to move back to Arizona for a long time. I was talking to one of my coworkers about some stuff going on in my family. I mentioned that I hated not being there for all of it. She asked me if I ever thought about moving back. I just kind of scoffed and was like, "ABSOLUTELY NOT." I've become a very different person than the Beth Root that used to live in Arizona. Especially in the past two years. The Beth Root that lived in Arizona would honestly be appalled at who I am now. I was afraid of losing who I've become, because even though I have some scars and I'm definitely way more rough around the edges, I also am much more compassionate, confident, understanding, and much less judgemental. I love who I have become. Who I am seemed incompatible with Arizona.

But, ever since that conversation, the thought of moving back to Arizona wouldn't leave me. It was constantly in the back of my mind. (I don't know if you read my blogs, but if you do, I'm definitely blaming you, Kjerstin, for being the one to put the thought in my head. You only have yourself to blame for me leaving.)

A few months ago, I finally couldn't ignore it. So I went to the Lord. And...He said Arizona.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 (a cursed verse for many a missionary) says:

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.

The thought that I keep having is that God gave me these two years because I asked for them and because there was no reason to tell me no. I was going to be doing good work, and the work that was going to be done on me was going to be way more refining than anything else I had experienced. But, He always intended for me to end up back in Arizona, at least for a time.

My time in Idaho is up. Even though I have begged Him to tell me to stay. He gave me two extra years - which have been the best two years of my time in Idaho. Ugly, hard, heart-wrenching, lonely, and eye-opening. But, by far, the best.

It makes me sad that my JCC St. Anthony season is over, but it was, in all reality, a gift from God. We'll see what my Arizona season brings me (other than sunburns and heat stroke).

Pride

As I've gotten older, I have definitely changed some of my ideas and perspectives - which, I think, is as it should be. We should always be changing, growing, evolving. That should include our beliefs and how we view the world. I will admit, one of the things that has helped me the most to make some of these changes was coming to terms with the fact that I am gay. The journey I have gone on has caused some major shifts in me. It hasn't changed my testimony or my faith, but it has changed the way I view and interact with people who are different than me.

June is Pride month. A month where the LGBTQ+ community celebrates and is celebrated. This year has produced an interesting Pride month. With protests against racism and police brutality and advocacy for a change in the police force, Pride month has become about defending everyone's rights, not just the rights of one community.

I've been thinking a lot about humanity. As you probably know, I work at a juvenile corrections center. I work with kids who could be given the label of criminals. Something that gets me fired up is when these kids talk about how they're treated in other facilities. Are they likely to be exaggerating? I mean, yeah, probably. But, the fact that many of them express appreciation for how we treat them, the food we give them, the fact that their blankets aren't super thin and that they are allowed more than one of them indicates to me that, sometimes, these kids aren't treated as they should. And that just doesn't seem right to me.

Who are we, as humans, to treat anyone without human decency? I mean, you're allowed to be angry with someone, set boundaries, be firm, even decide to not interact with someone. But, all of that is different than treating someone as if they are not human. Unfortunately, humans have a tendency to dehumanize anyone who is different from them - looks different, believes differently, or acts differently. I mean, I understand, in the case of those who commit crimes, sometimes it is necessary for justice to be met. But that can be done without dehumanizing someone.

Four years ago today, there was a mass shooting at Pulse, a gay nightclub. Today, on the anniversary of this tragedy, a regulation was finalized that removes the protection previously given to transgenders to ensure they could not be discriminated against by doctors, hospitals, and insurance companies. By limiting the definition of sex discrimination, transgender people can now be refused care.

At the beginning of the month, a brief was submitted to the Supreme Court that suggested that adoption agencies could, on the basis of religion, refuse to let gay couples adopt.

Within the past couple of days, two black transgender women were murdered. According to the information presently had, they make the 13th and 14th transgender - or non gender conforming - individuals murdered this year. And it's possible more have happened but are just unreported. These murders have happened with more frequency in recent years, and people of color are disproportionately targeted.

Now, I've always tried to stay out of politics as much as possible. I know that I am woefully uninformed. But, something that I am not uninformed on is respecting someone, as a human. You don't have to like them. You don't have to agree with them. Heck, you can hate them, for all I care. But, dehumanizing someone is never appropriate.

I am honestly baffled by the things I've written - allowing discrimination because of differences and murdering simply because someone has decided that they are not who society told them they were. Like, if somebody decided to change their gender, does that make them less human? Bruh, the fact that I even have to pose that question is just so dumbfounding to me.

It also enrages me. It enrages me to know that people are willing to deny people their rights - even at the corrections facility, the juveniles have the right to be treated by a nurse or doctor if they need it! And their rights are limited! It enrages me that people think that discrimination is ok. It enrages me that people just passively let it happen. It enrages me that I wasn't always enraged.

Are you enraged? If you aren't, why not?

There is a lot going on in the world. Protests, riots, a flipping pandemic, people fighting for change - both good and bad. There is a lot of conflict and a lot of disagreements. Honestly, that doesn't bother me. What bothers me is when that conflict and those disagreements turn into something ugly. When it turns into something where both sides have stopped listening.

Honestly, I'm overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed by all the feelings. I'm overwhelmed that there was so much I was unaware of. I'm overwhelmed by how badly I want to do something, but I don't know what to do or how to be informed - accurately.

I'm tired, too. I'm tired of this fight against hate, racism, cruelty, and aggression.

But, I'm also proud. I'm proud of the people who are stepping up and speaking up. I'm proud of the fact that they are pushing for change and not backing down. And, I'm proud of myself - of who I am, who I've become, and what I'm trying to accomplish. It's a great time to celebrate Pride.




And because the student inside of me was SCREAMING, here are the websites I got a lot of my information on. (I know that there is so much more to be read on these topics.)
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/dominique-fells-riah-milton-transphobia-new-calls/

https://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/adoption-agency-should-be-able-reject-gay-couples-trump-administration-n1224911

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/12/us/politics/trump-transgender-rights.html

Real Talk 2.0

"Just because needs are righteous, that doesn't mean they're being met in righteous ways." - Laurie Campbell in Reborn that Way

Everyone has the same basic needs (cue discussion on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs). We also have needs specific to us. For example, some people need social interaction more than others. Some people need to be touched more than others. Some people need validation. Some people need time to themselves. The list goes on and on. Sometimes, when we feel like our needs aren't being met, we try to fulfill them in unhealthy ways.

I have some needs that aren't met. And, today, when I read the above quote, I realized I was trying to meet them in unhealthy, unfulfilling ways. One of the biggest ways: I try to escape. Books, movies, shows, games, social media, etc. If I'm not doing school and I'm not at work, I'm doing SOMETHING to avoid any space that gives room for that unmet need.

Tonight, I realized that, unfortunately, as I make these efforts to escape and to numb, I have stopped giving myself room to think and to ponder. I've stopped giving myself time with the Lord. Because quiet moments mean I have to face uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. But, by escaping, I've taken away opportunities for growth, vulnerability, and learning.

That exchange kind of sucks.

So, tonight, I decided to be a little bit honest and vulnerable, in an effort to give myself space to think. To allow myself to feel uncomfortable without reaching for something to escape. So, here is some of my uncomfortable thoughts:

• I'm afraid I'll fall in love with a woman and that she also will fall in love with me. I'm afraid because, although I can deal with my feelings if I like a woman and it's not reciprocated, I don't know if I can stick with my commitment to keep my temple covenants if she also likes me. 
• I sometimes feel like a bit of a loner at church. And I worry that once I age out of a YSA ward and go to a family ward that I won't be able to form close bonds with anyone, because I'll just be that single lady. I worry I won't be able to make any close friends in a family ward, because married people tend to hang out with married people. Also, I'm socially inept! My future at church worries me.
• I don't get touched very often. Like, I have a huge bubble. I generally don't like people in my bubble. But I also need physical touch. But, I'm not comfortable with a lot men touching me - I mean, there's a lot that I am comfortable touching me, but I honestly couldn't tell you why I'm comfortable with some and not comfortable with others - and, although I'm typically more comfortable with women touching me (still, not all. and I couldn't tell you why some and not others. I have found no consistency) I'm scared of women touching me because what if I catch FEELINGS. I get how irrational that is, but I never claimed to be rational. So, despite the fact that I actually need to be touched, like hugs and simple touches on the shoulder and even just someone sitting next to me, even if they're not touching but just, like, close to me, it's just easier to say that I have a big bubble and don't like being touched. Because how am I going to explain that I need physical interaction, but maybe not from everyone. Like, that person is allowed in my bubble, but not you, even though we're friends? Also, I'm afraid of you touching me, because you're pretty and I don't to suddenly be attracted to you, but you're one of the people I'm comfortable with being in my bubble? How do you explain that? So, my loneliness is enhanced because I'm a confusing - and confused - human being. 
• I may have made the decision to stay active in the church and I may be totally at peace and mostly happy with that choice, but I still have demons I wrestle with.
• I get overwhelmed at the idea of being single for forever (and, don't worry, when I say forever, I mean for this life, but it FEELS like forever). I want companionship. I want someone to be with for the rest of my life, to make decisions with, to argue with, to learn with, to have a family with, to be intimate with, to share my burdens with. I want that so bad. I don't know if I can do that with a man. I'm not saying I can't, but I don't know if it would work or if it would be healthy for me. So, I just look forward as if I'm going to be single. And that overwhelms me. It fills me with a profound loneliness.
• Sometimes, when I get home from work after a hard day, or even if it's just a day where I'm filled with feelings, I just want someone to hold me. Or even someone to go home to and talk to. Those nights, I'm lucky if someone is up late enough to text me back, so I usually just lay in bed and distract myself - I escape.
• I still sometimes wonder if I am just confused about being gay. But then I think about when I dated boys and when I tried to date boys. Ick.
• A recent uncomfortable thought is my worry that, currently, I'm doing a bad job at being a good friend. I used to judge my ability at being a good friend on how much I did for that person - buying them food, giving them rides, being their confidant. I haven't had as many opportunities to do things like that, lately, and it really makes me feel inadequate, but I don't know how else to be a good friend because that's what I always did.
• I want to be a mom. Like so freaking bad. And I want to adopt - particularly older kids. But I'm afraid I can't be nurturing enough. Or, for some reason, they won't let me adopt or even be a foster mom because I'll be a single mom. And that is a devastating thought.

There. Those are some of my uncomfortable thoughts that I spend a lot of time and effort avoiding. I share, not to get sympathy or because I'm seeking validation. I'm sharing because I need to face them. I need to stop escaping. I need to lean into them. I need to turn to God - and my friends - and give room for Him to do something with them.

Maybe you do too. I don't know. But, I know that I want to give space for the uncomfortable, so that I have more space fo the Lord.