My Thoughts and Feelings: An Anthology

I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about this week. These thoughts and feelings are a stark contrast to how I felt last week, where, despite feeling stressed and worried about meeting new people and having to role-play as a therapist for a grade, I found immense joy in being with people who may not have been like-minded but understood empathy and compassion. Very few of these people share the same faith as me; this is an irony I can't ignore.

Words have been said this week that have caused pain - regardless of if those words were rooted in truth and doctrine, people were hurt. I am not here to discuss what was said - though I am willing to have a conversation with you about it, if you want - but I am here to express what this has been like for me and for others.

In the past two days, I have written three poems. I honestly don't think I've ever written that much poetry in a short amount of time. I'm not really a poet. I'm not really great at expressing my emotions, because I can't control my emotions, therefore I don't want them. But I've felt a lot of things this week. And while it's not great poetry, I feel like I need to share it. Because I need people to understand. Not just what this is like for me, but for so many other people. 

Seeking

 

I’m not looking for justifications.

I’m not looking for fluff.

I’m not looking for an upheaval of doctrine.

 

I’m seeking love.

I’m knocking, hoping on the other side of the door

Is compassion.

I’m asking to be accepted and supported

No matter what.

 

It’s not about what is

Sin

And what is

Righteousness.

 

It’s about me.

A human.

A Daughter of God.

 

Instead of tolerance and understanding

I feel fingers being pointed at me.

At my people,

My community

And tribe.

 

Am I being sensitive

When the words used to tell me

To “Be better!”

Are words used to justify

Actions of hate?

 

Create Zion!

Fight for Unity!

Stop being divisive!

 

Yet these same words used to tell me to

Sit down and buck up

Feed the fire of hatred and bigotry in others.

 

And the hard words

Still pointed at us for crying for

Acceptance.

You may shed tears,

But what about mine?

 

You may not know how to proceed,

So then what do I do?

 

Keep your chin up!

Have faith!

 

What about my

Hurt?

Anguish?

Confusion?

Anger?

 

I’m seeking, knocking, and asking

And while I feel God’s love in return

What about the love of those

Who speak for Him?

Tired

I’m tired.

 

I talk and I talk and I talk.

The same conversation with

A dozen people.

 

Why are you mad?

Why do you hurt?

What do you want?

 

So I repeat myself.

Again.

And again.

And again.

 

I’m tired.

 

People are loud.

They’re furious on both sides.

I just want to be heard.

I don’t want to yell,

Talk over others,

Or repeat myself.

 

But people don’t hear the first time.

So I talk and I talk and I talk.

And people ask questions,

But they’re the same ones

Over and over and over.

 

So I repeat myself.

Again.

And again.

And again.

 

I’m tired.

 

I don’t want to change the message.

I want to change the words.

I want less fuel for the fire,

No salt on already festering wounds.

 

 Why do we need muskets

When Paul and Alma* taught

The Word of God is mightier than the sword?

 

Teach me.

Love me.

Include me.

Understand me.

Accept me.

 

I’m so tired.

*Yes I added a footnote because I'm a nerd. What of it? Hebrews 4:12; Alma 31:5

Silence

 

What is worse?

The silence or the noise?

 

A cacophony of voices

Fighting to be heard.

 

Do you really want the silence

Of the ones who are in pain?

 

The struggle, hurt, and confusion

Can be hard to vocalize

And when the words finally are found,

Sometimes they come out

Like a waterfall.

 

Sometimes the words come out loud,

Pain turned into anger and bitterness.

 

Sometimes the noise is confusing,

The cries for help

Lost in the Sea of Doctrine and Law.

 

Sometimes the words don’t make sense

And other words counter them,

Saying they’re being too loud.

That truth is truth

And doctrine is doctrine.

There is no room for

Doubts, confusion, or questions.

No room for the noise.

 

But I wonder,

Which do you prefer:

The noise of pain and confusion?

Or the deafening sound of silence?