Everyone has the same basic needs (cue discussion on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs). We also have needs specific to us. For example, some people need social interaction more than others. Some people need to be touched more than others. Some people need validation. Some people need time to themselves. The list goes on and on. Sometimes, when we feel like our needs aren't being met, we try to fulfill them in unhealthy ways.
I have some needs that aren't met. And, today, when I read the above quote, I realized I was trying to meet them in unhealthy, unfulfilling ways. One of the biggest ways: I try to escape. Books, movies, shows, games, social media, etc. If I'm not doing school and I'm not at work, I'm doing SOMETHING to avoid any space that gives room for that unmet need.
Tonight, I realized that, unfortunately, as I make these efforts to escape and to numb, I have stopped giving myself room to think and to ponder. I've stopped giving myself time with the Lord. Because quiet moments mean I have to face uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. But, by escaping, I've taken away opportunities for growth, vulnerability, and learning.
That exchange kind of sucks.
So, tonight, I decided to be a little bit honest and vulnerable, in an effort to give myself space to think. To allow myself to feel uncomfortable without reaching for something to escape. So, here is some of my uncomfortable thoughts:
- I'm afraid I'll fall in love with a woman and that she also will fall in love with me. I'm afraid because, although I can deal with my feelings if I like a woman and it's not reciprocated, I don't know if I can stick with my commitment to keep my temple covenants if she also likes me.
- I sometimes feel like a bit of a loner at church. And I worry that once I age out of a YSA ward and go to a family ward that I won't be able to form close bonds with anyone, because I'll just be that single lady. I worry I won't be able to make any close friends in a family ward, because married people tend to hang out with married people. Also, I'm socially inept! My future at church worries me.
- I don't get touched very often. Like, I have a huge bubble. I generally don't like people in my bubble. But I also need physical touch. But, I'm not comfortable with a lot men touching me - I mean, there's a lot that I am comfortable touching me, but I honestly couldn't tell you why I'm comfortable with some and not comfortable with others - and, although I'm typically more comfortable with women touching me (still, not all. and I couldn't tell you why some and not others. I have found no consistency) I'm scared of women touching me because what if I catch FEELINGS. I get how irrational that is, but I never claimed to be rational. So, despite the fact that I actually need to be touched, like hugs and simple touches on the shoulder and even just someone sitting next to me, even if they're not touching but just, like, close to me, it's just easier to say that I have a big bubble and don't like being touched. Because how am I going to explain that I need physical interaction, but maybe not from everyone. Like, that person is allowed in my bubble, but not you, even though we're friends? Also, I'm afraid of you touching me, because you're pretty and I don't to suddenly be attracted to you, but you're one of the people I'm comfortable with being in my bubble? How do you explain that? So, my loneliness is enhanced because I'm a confusing - and confused - human being.
- I may have made the decision to stay active in the church and I may be totally at peace and mostly happy with that choice, but I still have demons I wrestle with.
- I get overwhelmed at the idea of being single for forever (and, don't worry, when I say forever, I mean for this life, but it FEELS like forever). I want companionship. I want someone to be with for the rest of my life, to make decisions with, to argue with, to learn with, to have a family with, to be intimate with, to share my burdens with. I want that so bad. I don't know if I can do that with a man. I'm not saying I can't, but I don't know if it would work or if it would be healthy for me. So, I just look forward as if I'm going to be single. And that overwhelms me. It fills me with a profound loneliness.
- Sometimes, when I get home from work after a hard day, or even if it's just a day where I'm filled with feelings, I just want someone to hold me. Or even someone to go home to and talk to. Those nights, I'm lucky if someone is up late enough to text me back, so I usually just lay in bed and distract myself - I escape.
- I still sometimes wonder if I am just confused about being gay. But then I think about when I dated boys and when I tried to date boys. Ick.
- A recent uncomfortable thought is my worry that, currently, I'm doing a bad job at being a good friend. I used to judge my ability at being a good friend on how much I did for that person - buying them food, giving them rides, being their confidant. I haven't had as many opportunities to do things like that, lately, and it really makes me feel inadequate, but I don't know how else to be a good friend because that's what I always did.
- I want to be a mom. Like so freaking bad. And I want to adopt - particularly older kids. But I'm afraid I can't be nurturing enough. Or, for some reason, they won't let me adopt or even be a foster mom because I'll be a single mom. And that is a devastating thought.
There. Those are some of my uncomfortable thoughts that I spend a lot of time and effort avoiding. I share, not to get sympathy or because I'm seeking validation. I'm sharing because I need to face them. I need to stop escaping. I need to lean into them. I need to turn to God - and my friends - and give room for Him to do something with them.
Maybe you do too. I don't know. But, I know that I want to give space for the uncomfortable, so that I have more space fo the Lord.
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