A little while ago, I had an experience that shook me up a little bit. I'm fairly open about my same-sex attraction, now. I have zero issues discussing it, and I welcome people asking me questions - I think if we all understood the struggle a little bit more, there would be a lot more compassion within the Church - and just within the world in general. We fear and we hate what we don't understand.
The experience that shook me up involved someone reaching out to me who disagreed with my lifestyle - which is the lifestyle of a girl who is attracted to girls, but does not act on that attraction. I go on occasional dates with boys - in fact, last semester, I went on three dates, and two of those dates, I had asked the boy. I'm not trying to hide what I am or try to pretend to be something that I'm not. One, I can be attracted to boys, but it's just not in the same way. Two, dating is just kind of part of this stage in life; is a social experience to have fun. So, I wanted to participate, and the dates that I went with were with boys that are tons of fun to be around. No big deal. Three, while I fully acknowledge I might not get married in this life, one of my greatest desires is to have an eternal family. So, I'm doing what I can to see that desire become a reality. That doesn't mean I'm denying who I really am; it means I am keeping an eternal perspective instead of acting on my immediate impulses. Kind of like, "Oh, I really want to eat 10 slices of pizza, but I know that when I work out the way that I want to, so I can be healthy, it will prevent me from working out the way I want to." Self-mastery. Temperance. Self-control. Whatever you want to call it.
This person did not shame me from choosing a differently lifestyle from her, but, essentially, her attitude was, "I am an experienced Mormon lesbian, so I understand this more than you." Valid. I'm not experienced in this. She then proceeded to say something like this, "One day, you will find yourself wanting to be with another woman, and you should not hesitate to pray and ask God if you should be with her." And then pretty much insinuated that He would say yes. She proceeded to say The Family: A Proclamation to the World is not canonized, so it does not need to be something we look to as we establish families.
I want to just point out, she was not mean or rude. She was legitimately trying to be helpful and give me encouragement. She wanted me to accept myself. She felt that I was wrong and would one day come to my senses. I could not get her words out of my head. They felt wrong, but, well, they seemed nice. Because, hey. Guess what. The desire to be with another woman is a real thing for me. It's not just some abstract thing. It's not fleeting. I don't just walk by a girl, think "Oh, she's hot," and that's the end of it. Just like people have feelings for the people they interact with in their day to day life, sometimes I am attracted to my friends. At the time of this experience, it was a pretty good friend I was attracted to. For fleeting moments, nothing sounded better than just being able to act on it, to roll with it. For brief instants, I agreed with that woman - of course God would endorse love! God is love, so, why not love between two women?
I did not ask God if I could be with this person. Rather, in those moments of uncertainty, I asked for clarification and for understanding. I asked for strength to do whatever is necessary for me to do in order to fulfill whatever purpose God has intended for me. And then I studied.
The Family: A Proclamation to the World isn't canonized. She is correct. To be canonized, the members. the church has to sustain it. But...it was presented at a General Conference. It was signed and endorsed by 15 prophets, seers, and revelators, who were called of God and given His power and authority. There is a whole religion class/institute class that was designed within the past few years, that is required to graduate from a CES school or from institute, a choice that was endorsed and initiated by the general authorities of the church. I feel pretty good about its validity, and I've received personal confirmation about it, so...yeah, I need to try to live by the standard set before it. Now, to clarify. The Proclamation sets up what the ideal family is. Not every family is going to be able to fit it perfectly, and it even says that circumstances will require individual adaptation. I can confidently say that one of those individual adaptations does not include a homosexual relationship or marriage, and here is why:
Literally every single ordinance you do and covenant you can do for yourself within the temple discusses you reaching your highest potential with your spouse of the opposite gender. The phrasing for those ordinances are not just for funsies. They are purposeful. They are eternal. And they are the covenants that I have made. So, guess what? I break my covenants if I decide to act on my homosexual desires. And, well, those covenants are important to me.
Also, the doctrine, in every book of scripture, emphasizes marriage between man and woman. Husbands are to cleave unto their wives. "Neither is the man without the woman, nor the woman without the man." (1 Corinthians 11:11). The Doctrine and Covenants talks about the importance of man being sealed to a woman, for the purposes of reaching the highest potential. We literally cannot become all that we can become without an eternal spouse, and the doctrine, written in the scriptures, teaches us that the eternal spouse must be someone of the opposite sex.
This is why I have chosen to live the way I live. And, despite what some people might think, it's not lonely (***going back and reading this several months after I initially posted. Imma clarify. It is lonely, emotionally, sometimes but, overall, I rarely feel lonely because of the fantastic support I have). I might be single for the rest of this earthly life - I don't know! - but I am not alone. I still have a family. I have brothers and sisters. I am the favorite aunt to several nieces and nephews. I also have friends. I am constantly surrounded by friends. Sure, it's hard. But so is not having sex before marriage, for some people. So is overcoming pornography. So is choosing not to drink alcohol. So is choosing to forgive. Since when has God asked us to do things that weren't hard? The difficulty of my trial is not unique, and it is no excuse to give in and choose to be with another woman.
So, to clarify: the doctrine does not support homosexuality. BUT!! It does not support hatred. It does not support condemnation. It does not support casting out. It does not support ignoring people, degrading people, or being rude to people. Guess what?? This is hard crap for people! To come to the realization that you are attracted to someone of the same sex, when literally everyone around is telling you that is wrong? Please tell me how that feels. Do you know? So don't judge. If someone chooses to act on that, well, they are just looking for love and acceptance. Youth who experience this are so conflicted! They are afraid of rejection. They are afraid of anger or hatred.
Just because you do not agree with someone or their lifestyle does not mean that you need to hate the person. You don't even have to understand their struggle! We all our sinners. We all have our favorite sins. (One of mine is eating way too much and not exercising at all. Clearly I'm not taking care of my temple the way I should.) So, we love. We try to support people - whether they choose to act on their homosexual desires or not - so that they will always have a family. The minute someone feels like they cannot be honest about themselves or how they feel, they will begin to be isolated. This can lead to depression, anxiety, and suicide. That is not okay.
It is not okay for members of the church to condemn people who choose to live a homosexual lifestyle. You do not need to agree with it, but you still need to love them. You do not need to support gay marriage, but you need to support the gays. They are humans. They are children of God. They need you, and well, you probably need them.
Can we all just be chill, please? Can we stop freaking out because someone thinks differently than you, or believes differently than you, or behaves differently than you? Let's just shake hands or hug it out. Peace, love, and happiness, my friends.
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